My stay at home mom nightmare

used2befast · 2021-12-16T22:11:11+00:00

First things first. She needs a job. Good luck brother / talk to a few attorneys.

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-12-17T00:20:11+00:00

Get out before 10yrs or run the risk of paying alimony for a long time. You are going to pay child support regardless.

Some people do not know how to be a functioning adult and grab onto the first person they can marry so they can shove all their responsibilities onto them. These people are dead weight and expect you to carry their ass through life for the next 40yrs until you drop dead yourself from the stress of having to pull the weight of two adults.

lostcanuck007 · 2021-12-16T23:50:26+00:00

Fake an injury. Go to Mexico and get a doctor to write you a long term disability note. Tell the wife that you're in for a bad ride and it's going to take every single cent from you (would help if the "medical treatment" was from Mexico too)

See what she does and then either she divorces you or you divorce her. And you move in with parents for 6 months. And then when the divorce is done and you're "miraculously" healed...you don't get child support issues and as long as you keep up the charade the longer you have to enjoy the freedom and the money.

I know this sounds like a fantasy but I read this on reddit around 2009.maybe it helps you

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-12-16T22:57:22+00:00

Please be careful. You are on the hook for a lot of child support and alimony in case of divorce. If you're considering it, plan accordingly. Tell her to get a full-time job or something as one of the few things you can do.

Jonger1150 · 2021-12-17T03:27:08+00:00

You're gonna get raped in alimony and child support now.

SAHMs are the hardest to divorce.

Creative-Drop1816 · 2021-12-16T22:59:03+00:00

Put your expectations out there. If she is unwilling to at least try harder and make some progress then by all means show her the door.

Watching kids and being granted the ability to spend every waking minute with her kids is a gift and it sounds like she is squandering it.

Good luck my guy

giraffe-zackeffron · 2021-12-17T12:44:15+00:00

I got married while I was still active duty military. What op had going was our plan; I would work. She would stay home and raise kids. For the first few months, it was glorious. She wasn’t working-and I was fine with that. But every night when I came home from work, the house was clean, she was making dinner, laundry was done, the fridge was stocked, etc. I couldn’t wait to have kids. I encouraged her to find a job and we would both do housework, cooking, etc. she said she wanted to have kids and be a mom but in the meantime she likes taking care of me and our home.

Then I came home one day to find my wife in her bathrobe and night shirt. She hadn’t showered. The house wasn’t dirty really but I could tell she hadn’t cleaned anything. “You’re on your own for dinner” she said without even looking at me, while she stared at the television. I turned around, walked right back out, hopped back in my car and went to the McD’s down the street. As I sat in McD’s eating my dinner, I knew things had changed and my wife had become what so many men face. I was thankful we didn’t yet have kids.

She didn’t do anything else for the rest of our marriage. Now I’m married to a woman who thinks going to work is all she has to contribute. She won’t do anything at home; like literally nothing. I have to do everything; dishes, laundry, cleaning, yard work…everything. At least she works, I guess. I can’t wait to be single again.

mkiujnbhytgv456 · 2021-12-17T01:40:45+00:00

I am in the same boat. My wife is in social media all day. Not even sure if she remembers the kids names. All of her divorce petitions say I should only get one weekend a month with the kids. We are heading to mediation in Feb. my attorney told me to expect pain. This sucks so bad— I work 50 hours a week and she does nothing at the house, and now I get to pay for it in perpetuity

dudefromyork · 2021-12-17T13:31:51+00:00

Right. So something similar happened in my marriage. It wasn’t what caused the split, but I believe that it was a significant contributing factor. I’ll give you my perspective on what happened to me in the hope that it will help.

So my ex also became a stay at home mom. We could just about afford it and we decided (together-ish) that it would be better for the kids to have her be around and doing mom stuff rather than having them in daycare. My ex is an intelligent and capable woman and had a reasonable career up until this point.

I think the reality wasn’t quite up to the ideal. Being a stay at home mom can get monotonous and at times unrewarding. Same old same old every day. Even pretty lonely at times. She’s effectively becoming a domestic servant and sacrificing her life goals to raise children and keep the house nice.

As with any “job” if you’re not really enjoying it and you find it unrewarding, you stop giving it 100% and your self esteem and mental health suffer. Unlike a normal job, she can’t just quit and find something else. Basically life hasn’t turned out how she thought it would, despite this being what she thought she wanted.

Then the resentment sets in. She sees you being all successful and having a career. Worse still if you enjoy your work!! Then it becomes about how unfair it all is and you’re getting to live life and she isn’t.

To be fair. I can see that perspective. She’s not finding life rewarding and needs more than an endless cycle of kids/laundry/cooking/cleaning. And who the fuck can blame her?

It’s what she does next that’s important. And this is where I wish I’d have talked about things sooner. In my experience you need to have a talk about how she feels. Does she want to start working again? How does she get a bit more purpose/value herself again?

If you don’t work this out, she’s going to find something that makes her happy elsewhere. I don’t think I need to spell this out....

ctgjerts · 2021-12-17T03:11:03+00:00

Better speak to an attorney in your area first. Find out what it's going to cost, cause with two young kids and essentially a SAHM you're the bank. So, know what you're getting yourself into before pulling any triggers.

akihonj · 2021-12-17T13:54:29+00:00

Yeah, right now you are pissed right off and that's fair and understandable.

So she wants to be a stay at home mother who doesn't stay at home, doesn't actually do much mothering.

My tactics then would be to say fine, from now on you earn what money you get. You want money from me you'll earn it by doing the house work and being a good mother.

You'll either do that or you'll get a job and the kids go to daycare, you'll pay your half of the costs, not a perceived half but an actual 50% of the entire costs, if that leaves you without money then you'll get a better job.

Be prepared to go scorched earth on her with it and be firm, immovable and hard as a rock.

If she wants to play games fine, time to show her how it's played.

Gxl4 · 2021-12-17T17:51:20+00:00

“i 12 hours and come home to this”

After googling this ;

Fuck me..

lawyer the fuck up, you’re not a walking ATM, get the fuck out of there and enjoy life.

Grey_Bear_40 · 2021-12-16T22:14:53+00:00

Usually a disconnect like this is due to some form of depression from one partner, and an expectation from the other not being met. In this case, your wife most likely suffers from depression due to a lack of progress in her life.

If you've ever played video games, you know that early hours in the game you level up pretty rapidly. As the game progresses you level slower. The main reason for this is to hook you early as you get a big dopamine drop from gaining the level and getting stronger. Much like in real life, making progress in a game makes for a satisfied gamer. Unlike games though, progress in life is slow, and so the reward is slow. And if there is no progress, eventually we get depressed.

Now let's think about what your wife is going through. Every day you go out and live in the world! Have a meaningful job! Make progress in your career! Meanwhile, she is at home accomplishing very little. For me, at least, this would be horribly depressing. What makes it worse, when you get home, you're probably tired from work and just want to relax! But how can you in this mess? But place yourself in her shoes: what can she do that's meaningful? How can she contribute in a way that allows her to make progress in an area of her life that is important?

Or maybe she's just lazy. TLDR: there is progression and depression.

sicrm · 2021-12-16T22:59:22+00:00

you’re at a cross roads.

either get out now, or stay and try to set boundaries and hope this doesn’t happen down the road.

start by booking a consult with a lawyer. see how a divorce would look like today, and if it’s bearable.

if it’s not, ask what you can do to make it bearable in the future while working on things.

also, don’t willingly leave true house and don’t even think of mentioning the word divorce to her unless you’re ready to follow through and have a lawyer ready for a retainer.

pegleg_legal · 2021-12-17T02:08:38+00:00

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Castelino2021 · 2021-12-17T04:32:25+00:00

Not ur wife anymore man,

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2021-12-17T09:31:03+00:00

Tannhausergate2017 · 2021-12-17T13:30:26+00:00

That google image has a ghost of a boy in it.

postalmaner · 2021-12-17T18:13:26+00:00

Well, you have to 1) hurry to avoid timing into life long spousal 2) figure out how to force them back to work.

I can't advocate that you do anything unethical, but you're pretty much screwed because your SAHM is on the support gravy train.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2021-12-18T05:32:23+00:00

What state are you in? If you want to have 50/50 custody after divorce - you need to be able to show court that you take care of children as much as she does. Ensure that your work allows you to take sick day when kids are sick and ensure that STBX works. It is the only way.

bombsquad1111 · 2021-12-21T09:17:20+00:00

Yep. This is what happens. They secure a gravy train and then go find a chad and pray you dont find out. But dont reqlly care if you do, since they know you wont leave them anyways.

I left mine. Her life hasnt been so hot the last 1.6 years. She now says i am ruining her life. Go figure...

Title	My stay at home mom nightmare
Author	helpamonkpls
Upvotes	26
Comments	37
Date	December 16, 2021 9:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ri1d42/my_stay_at_home_mom_nightmare/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-stay-at-home-mom-nightmare.1092091 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092091