Crosspost "Nearing the home stretch and it's starting to hit me" from /r/Divorce:

My stbx filed for divorce back in July. We have a 2 boys, 2 and 4. Originally she was trying to steamroll me and expected twice as much child support as she will actually be getting. I got 6/14 days, she got 8/14 days. In mediation they were trying to get me to agree to 3 or 4/14. I've managed to sway everything to terms that I can agree to, which feels good to me considering where she started out.

That being said she still lives here, we co parent well which is nice, but I am having such a hard time letting go of her and my feelings because we are always here together just like normal. I was very upset when she originally filed for divorce and then I was able to get it together and convinced myself I am moving on from her and just need to get through this next little bit until everything is final. We had a hearing a couple weeks ago and everyone agreed that we have an agreement. That was a relief because now I know what I'm getting, I know what she's getting, and there are no more unknowns. She was keeping a journal about my every move, has letters from her friends about how great of a mom she is (she thought she was going to get full custody) yet none of these letters say I'm a bad or unfit parent. None of that stuff was ever presented in court because I basically told her if we as parents can't decide what the best schedule for our kids is, then I will appoint a GAL and have a third party decide that for us. I knew she wouldn't dare have that happen due to her nature, so here we are with our agreement.

Now that things are wrapping up, just waiting on the child support order and then the judge signs off on everything. I feel like a mixed bag of emotions all over again. There will always be a part of me that loves her, is attracted to her, but I am forgetting what I told myself before that I love the idea of her, but not the reality of her. It's clear to me that she wants to be a mom, but not a wife. I just feel like having her live here has been emotional hell for me and not allowed me to move on. I think communication with her will be easier once she doesn't live here anymore, and I don't have to interact with her on a daily basis. And I believe that will also be better for my mental health as well.

There is also a whole separate curve ball to this too and that is that she has a rare medical condition, basically a benign (so far) tumor in her back. They attempted surgery on it last year and it has since grown in size. So as the mother of my children I worry about her health, but trying to find the boundaries in my love for her is so damn hard. She will most likely start chemotherapy for this next year and she still wants to go through with this divorce.

Posted by Small-University-875 | 29 November 2022 | Link