~ archived since 2018 ~

Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best, and the result will be somewhere in between. Divorce is a zero sum game.

April 28, 2022

The most common mistake we make is holding out hope for some amicable resolution when the only way to keep it "amicable" is to surrender to each and every one of her demands. Then when it falls apart, we're left holding our unit in our hand wondering what happened. If you want peace, you need to demonstrate there is a cost for her not seeking peace. Challenge early and often. For every give, there must be a take.

Divorce is a zero sum game. Every minute you have with your kids is a minute she doesn't. Every dollar you get is one that she doesn't. The only way to work to create value together is to save on legal fees! And that's not creating value, that's destroying less value than you would otherwise.

Zero sum games are played differently than other games. Weakness, generosity, placating, appeasement, giving in, giving up, keeping the peace at all costs, and all the other tactics we have trained ourselves to use when there was a partnership worth salvaging DO NOT WORK. All you do is cede ground that can never be regained. And showing weakness only encourages more aggression. Be firm. Be civil. Be unshakeable. Start at unreasonable and make HER ASK YOU to be reasonable.

Know what she wants. Know what you want. Know your finances. Know your legal position. Gather bargaining chips. Get all of this done before you begin to negotiate.

Wear the amicable mask. But draw serious lines early and challenge over reaching to see her reaction.

If you try to be the person you were during the marriage during the divorce, you will lose more than you imagined.

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Post Information
Title Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best, and the result will be somewhere in between. Divorce is a zero sum game.
Author pegleg_legal
Upvotes 37
Comments 10
Date April 28, 2022 9:40 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit /r/Divorce_Men
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/prepare-for-the-worst-hope-for-the-best-and-the.1113077
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/udr7z4/prepare_for_the_worst_hope_for_the_best_and_the/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]toooldforthisnonsens 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I am treating divorce as if it were a business being dissolved. Nothing emotional about it. I was a business partner with 50% ownership.

[–]Ominous_Cookies 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the way.

[–]nomdeprune 10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Time with the kids is a zero sum game in a marriage too. I didn’t get anything like a fair share because she wouldn’t work enough to allow me not to. I had to get divorced to get a fair share of time with my children; how ridiculous is that.

[–]Shitpostradamus 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The relationship with my daughter has gotten so much better since the separation (now pending divorce) one year ago, meanwhile she doesn’t even want to go with her mom. I spent so much time working and honey-doing, my daughter forgot how fucking fun and awesome dad is. Now that I don’t have to appease some ungrateful bitch, all that energy goes into my daughter and it’s the best. Ex can’t figure it out lol

[–]import_help 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Amen. And somehow it was my fault that I had to work to keep things afloat and prepare for our future, and it still wasn’t enough. I would’ve loved to have spent that time with my daughter, but I couldn’t because I had to finance her plopping her in front of the TV, getting high, and poking around on her phone all day.

[–]SpacemanLost 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And somehow it was my fault that I had to work to keep things afloat and prepare for our future, and it still wasn’t enough.

"(It's) For the Kids!" became my ex's battle cry to bludgeon me over the head for my not working enough, my not doing enough work around the house, her spending being out of control, and so on.

[–]sicrm 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

the sad part is having one parent stay home is best for the kids but it puts the breadwinner in a position to get screwed at any time.

they get less money if they get a job or don’t have full custody.

and that’s why the marriage rates will continue to fall.

[–]Soggy_Nose_7173 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

and birth rates.

[–]RxRobb 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Treat divorce like comcast

[–]TrollCityBlunder 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

True. Prepare literally for the worst and pull out all stops. I had $304k tied in both of our names. Walked away with $264k and made a huge profit on that capital, a couple months later. Play smart, win and leave the garbage behind.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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