Well it happened just like you guys said it would!

crowexplorer · 2021-11-06T03:04:13+00:00

After years of marriage, she decides she no longer likes you. Then convinces herself that you've been awful to her for years.

I've seen this many times on this subreddit and experienced it a few times myself.

Men who are considering getting married: accept the fact that all your time, love, money and hard work will likely go unappreciated in the end, and she will tell everyone you know that she was mistreated by you. Reality does not matter.

SpiritualEnema · 2021-11-06T04:01:29+00:00

Dude…. Do they all play off the same playbook? My ex pulled the abusive for years horseshit on me too. It’s the light switch effect. Pure delusion. My salary allowed her to be a SAHM for the first 8 years of our kids lives and she has the audacity to say shit like that. Lazy, spoiled, entitled, washed up, slob.

fatherofamazinggirls · 2021-11-06T01:54:44+00:00

Placate her and let her get an apartment. That will work well in your favor down the road.

WartimeDad · 2021-11-06T02:25:45+00:00

It really is super common. Don’t ever believe this shit. It’s the shitty tv shows or news or something. It tells women all men are these violent monsters and that they are princesses that cannot make any errors. She rewrote history, don’t for a second believe her version of it.

I heard this exact same shit. And ya know what? It worked for her. The lawyers and mediators and judge just eats it up. Her fear, no matter how baseless, no matter how ludicrous, is taken as truth. She’s got to live “her truth,” no matter how full of shit it is.

The marriage counselor will validate her. Then, they will show up at the trial to confirm for everyone that you were emotionally abusive and your wife is afraid of you. The marriage counselor is working for her, not for your marriage.

The whole goddamn thing makes me sick. It’s sickening that it happened to me. It’s sickening that it is now happening to you. And it’s appalling that it’s happening so frequently and men are just getting shafted left and right because of it.

You need an attorney yesterday. Never talk to her without recording. Stay absurdly calm. She is your enemy. She is nothing like whatever it is she was when you were married, at this point she is a legal adversary with an upper hand.

As for “space.” See if you can get her to go to wherever she wants to get it. Record her. Tell her you support her getting space but won’t leave your kids or your own bed while she gets it.

File for divorce and get the fuck away from this shitty person. She’s probably already filing. There is no hope for your marriage because you’re dealing with a fucktard. You deserve better than this. She’s a coward and she’s delusional.

Yeah I’m triggered! This same shit happened to me! Beware: her next step is false claims and a restraining order against you!!

Exercise. Heavy weights.

Good luck brother, you aren’t alone in this. A year from now you’ll be swimming in loving pussy and sweet freedom.

b757pilot · 2021-11-06T02:57:54+00:00

pull the ejection handle asap. the stbxw tried that same shit. would leave sessions holding my hand but the next week would say. nothing changed. fuck that shit.

learningABC123 · 2021-11-06T02:12:07+00:00

Same story over here. I'm wondering what kind of examples she used for the claim that she is being abused?

grcoates · 2021-11-06T04:22:12+00:00

They must all use the same playbook. It’s disgusting. If they want a divorce, fine, but why lie about “emotional abuse?!?” Pisses me off…

Basic_Advance7627 · 2021-11-06T05:15:18+00:00

Oh my goodness this is a carbon copy of my ex when I caught her affair. I’m a monster??? I only loved her unconditionally and she cheated then come to find out it wasn’t even her first affair over the course of our 27 year marriage.

AdministrativeJob521 · 2021-11-06T06:00:15+00:00

Honestly, I am not even angry or mad. I expected this all to happen since she asked me for the divorce 2 weeks ago. I was hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I'm going to try to talk to her on Sunday when she gets back from a "spa weekend by herself" to see if we can work this out like adults. I have no ill will towards her and just want this to end quickly and amicably. I'm gonna basically beg her to not screw me over and that I will make this as painless as possible for her so she can move on. Gonna record it per my lawyers instructions.

jalopkoala · 2021-11-06T02:51:05+00:00

Good luck. Don’t leave the marital home. Don’t establish any routine with parenting time that you wouldn’t want to become permanent. (E.g. moving to apartment and seeing the kids just on weekends “to give her space”)

Start interviewing attorneys. You can meet with attorneys, even file divorce, and ultimately turn the ship around.

Honestly just communicate in writing as much as possible about anything kids or divorce related.

Let’s say some by some ungodly horror she takes half of $300k you still will make $150k. (Unless you are paying off medical or school loans, which the courts will take into account.) There are people going through this who make $30k a year. Take some solace in that.

This isn’t what you wanted for your life and I’m sorry.

BearsEatBooty · 2021-11-06T03:46:26+00:00

I posted my shit show earlier. It fucking sucked when I talked to her and she said well you provided financially but nothing else. Now my kids are lost in this. For sure you give someone all and you get shit in. Marriage is something peoples need to quadruple check it’s what they want.

playerknowmore · 2021-11-06T04:34:05+00:00

Look she's trying to live the lifestyle you can afford her; with someone she works with! She needs to get full custody to better afford that lifestyle through child support. I'm taking it that your marriage is not in the forever marriage stage, so I would remind her spousal support will eventually run out and her boyfriend still couldn't afford the lifestyle you afford her.

But I wouldn't tell her until you spoke to an attorney. By the way while you are on couples counseling she is stalling until her lawyer gets ducks in a row. The bad thing about divorce is she can afford the same level attorney as you; because you pay for it. Good luck sorry no good news!

daddylonglegs72 · 2021-11-06T05:27:04+00:00

I can't believe how much your situation sounded like mine.

Spare_Leave2322 · 2021-11-06T10:45:22+00:00

I was once told women are only as loyal as their emotions. The moment the relationship feels plain they either see someone else on the side or invent a way to leave you making sure you're the bad guy.

throwsadaccountxxx · 2021-11-06T11:24:32+00:00

You can count me as well.

You'd see me...no drugs, no alcohol, middle class tech guy, fully committed to support her through sadness and sickness, doing 90% house chores, cooking good and healthy, default parent to the daughter, doesn't go out, doing sport, giving her space.

But no, she had to leave because she didn't felt appreciate nor valued. Like the countless hours I've spent listen to her and tried to help her in every way (congratulate, giving perspectives, etc...). But no, I'm a "violent-toxic-pervert narcissist--manipulator-codependent". I was in therapy for 8 months before she left, convincing me I needed to work on this. But "it's not working, you're not moving forward, I loved you and you made it go away years after years".

Assaultcow · 2021-11-06T03:11:25+00:00

As a dad who went through something very similar, one of the best pieces of advice I read was:

"strike first, strike hard"

This doesn't relate to violence ( if I have to point out the obvious).

Don't wait for her to make the first move, which will be a restraining order, claim over your children, income, and assets.

Not sure what it's like in the US, but I would change all locks when she is out of the house, place a restraining order on her due to her aggressive, coercise, controlling, intimidating and behaviour that may very well be putting your children's long term future at risk.

Learn from those that have gone through this before. Humans aren't special and tend to act the same way time and time again. Aka, acting in fear, or greed.

Strike first. Strike hard.

rubix_fucked · 2021-11-06T09:21:02+00:00

she stopped having friends when she married me and now she is going out and making friends. FWB - friends with benefits are the kind of friends she is referring to not the stereotypical ones you had in mind.

Stop the marriage counselling as it will accomplish nothing for you.

By all means allow her to get an apartment and out of the house. Encourage her the sooner the better especially without any sort of separation agreement signed. The law may call it abandonment if she leaves before a separation agreement is made. Check with your lawyer.

Once she is out of the home communicate with her only through your lawyer otherwise go no contact. Talking with her will be a complete waste of your time.

jimsmythee · 2021-11-06T19:24:03+00:00

That's the 100% truth. She wants the free gravy train by having her own apartment.

Divorce is coming, she's just not going to tell you when. So what do you do? Do NOT under any circumstances cosign on that apartment lease. Put a lock on your credit profiles. Don't put any utilities in your name or anything like that. Why? Because as soon as she's in that apartment, she's going to party-hardy-with-bacardi and won't pay any of her bills.

So what to do about the marriage counselor? Stop going. It's a waste of your time and hers and your STBXW's time.

25_years · 2021-11-06T12:46:47+00:00

That there has been no joy in her life since marrying me.
I asked her, what about the past few months where you have
been lovey dovey, happy, smiling, etc. I got photo proof.
(emphasis mine)

Wow, it really is amazing how the same 'script' shows up over and over again. Here's something I noticed about my ex as the marriage started to fail: Her complaints and observations were not falsifiable. Fancy word, I know. I'm not necessarily insisting she made false statements. I'm saying her statements could not be proven or disproven. She was very clever that way. I even pointed it out to her.

I tried to apply reason and logic (yeah, I know, I get it now). If you're arguing using facts and logic (which can analyzed and disputed and proven wrong), but you're arguing with someone who only uses statements that can neither be proven or disproven, then the argument just goes around in a circle.

It's like arguing with a child. Did you steal the cookie? (No.) But you're the only one here. (Someone must have broken into the house and stolen the cookie.) But there's no evidence that anyone broke into the house. (They must have been very careful.) etc, etc....

jnkboy64 · 2021-11-06T17:04:31+00:00

Get the best attorney you can afford. Protect youreslf.

rsmiley77 · 2021-11-06T22:31:09+00:00

A couple of things…. First off after the second or third session the therapist will start to zero in on your STBX…. Why do I say stbx? 2) Well because at this point could you even go back to that? I doubt it. 3) 90 percent chance she already has someone else in her life that’s she’s moving on with. If you have another session you should go for it all and ask ‘what’s their name?’ See if she comes clean. Even if she doesn’t it puts her on defense.

Ok-Cartographer3652 · 2021-11-08T09:50:12+00:00

It’s nice reading and to know I’m not alone in all this. I started to feel as if no one knows what I’m going through.

***THE SITUATION***

We have been seeing a therapist independently for about 6 months and saw a marriage counselor a couple times to work get better. After going twice she said she won’t go. Being in the military employment is based on contracts (2, 3, 4 years etc). I came down on orders to Hawaii. In order to go I had to sign another contract or get out.

In therapy she said she wants to work on things and would move there. We have a daughter who is still super young (not even in school).

Three days after I signed a 4 year contract she says “I’m not going and I want separation.” She took our daughter and left - drove across two states. My daughter is the most important thing to me.

It all makes no sense i busted my ass during the day and had a second job during the night to provide for them and she dips? Just doesn’t seem right. I never was verbally or physically abusive. Stuck with her and didn’t cheat even though we didn’t have any sort of intimacy for >2 years telling myself it’s just a phase.

I have a lawyer she has a lawyer. The military is working with me to give me stabilization to see this out, but it’s like I have to be here legally. She can work wherever. Just feel gutted because I believe in marriage and family as that is the foundation of our society.

I don’t have family like she has. She is running back to her family while taking all that I had away from me. How ***TF*** are people this fucked up. No debt, two cars of which I paid off one. Have savings of which I gave her half $50k and now she wants me to pay legal fees.

This is just the beginning and feel like if I don’t fight for my daughter I will regret it forever. We are at the point for getting the interrogatories and documents.

God help me!

AdministrativeJob521 · 2021-11-06T09:28:45+00:00

If she leaves and get's an apartment while we are still married...does she just use our joint account to pay for it? I don't want to offer it up but I also want her out of the house. Any implications of her using our joint account money for her rent?

WarChildMKIV · 2021-11-06T14:25:05+00:00

All they have is a no fault divorce excuse. Sad thing is it is a detriment for people being abused because the system gets used like this.

Ok-Improvement7543 · 2021-11-06T14:53:59+00:00

One advice tho brother. Don’t act up on emotions when you leave . Do it smartly and don’t let her get into your heard . To you she is dead .

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-11-07T12:43:54+00:00

> she wants to "continue to see the marriage counselor".

She wants her actions to be validated by an authority figure.

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desired only results in obligated compliance, which ends up as resentment for both parties.

pegleg_legal · 2021-11-08T01:22:03+00:00

From my perspective, great job holding the line on the abuse bullshit. Defend that and your role as a good father. The rest - fuck it, man. Just cut all that shit out because it doesn't bear on the legal case and doesn't fucking matter. She's shown she's willing to lie, cheat and steal to fuck you over so it is war. Just keep it cold, not hot.

Did she set forth any basis for fearing you?

Dear [wife],

This correspondence makes a record of the events before the counselor on [insert date] wherein you stated that I have never hurt you or the kids.

[OP]

Title	Well it happened just like you guys said it would!
Author	AdministrativeJob521
Upvotes	61
Comments	91
Date	November 6, 2021 1:48 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qnq2hh/well_it_happened_just_like_you_guys_said_it_would/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/well-it-happened-just-like-you-guys-said-it-would.1085672 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085672