Wow, just wow… feels like my insides are on fire.

So I’m not quite sure if I posted this previously on this subreddit or divorced men or what… but I’ll start from the beginning because I need writing therapy right now.

Last November, my (30m) wife (30f) of 3 years and partner of 11 years comes home late from a night out with her “friends”.

Since the beginning of our relationship, she was absorbed into my friend group and never really made friends on her own accord. Her making new friends was a big deal and I was very happy to support her. During this time, she changed her hair style she had for 30 years, started wearing trendy hats and picked up a new job hosting trivia at a local dive. Kinda weird but hey, loving husbands support wives decisions.

Anyways, she comes home at like 3/4am and instead of crawling back to bed where I was sleeping, she passes out in the couch. I thought it was pretty strange and tried not overreact to the sketchy behavior. She does have a history of drunken issues. When I woke up and noticed her on the couch. She wakes up in a daze and the proceeds with the “we need to talk”. She explains she wants to separate due to not feeling loved, having to “take care of me” and not being able to keep up with the household chores. This was my first big divorce conversation and haven’t really dealt with the flood of emotion that came with it. My brain went into “simp” mode and pleaded to do whatever it took to get the relationship back in line. If I was the problem, I sure as hell am going to be the one to fix myself. We agreed to do our own thing for the remainder of the day and talk again the following. I go spend the night at a friends apartment to give her some space… you know. Cause space fixes everything. Come home the following day and she immediately confesses that she went to a bar alone, picked up by an acquaintance, and proceeds to spend the night at his place because she was too drunk to drive home. “He tried to kiss me and I pulled away, I slept with my clothes on in the same bed”.

I’m crushed. No more confidence, self respect, and my self image is out the window. Full on simp mode. She gives me some sense of remorse and we decided to find help through therapy. Things quickly get back on track imo. No serious fights, laughter, good memories. Hell, just a few months ago we do a couples trip to Nashville and a family trip to Ocean City.

So now it comes to the end of august/beginning of September. We’re in couples therapy and my gut has been telling me something is wrong. She explains she loves me and is committed to the relationship… verbatim. She starts up with the late nights and gas lights me to think I’m the one with the problem. My head is fucked up. Two weeks go by and once again… she comes home at 5am. I’m livid. I process this event in therapy and work on addressing the issue. “Do you love me and are you committed to the relationship”. I gain the balls to ask her. She avoids the question three separate occasions but finally responds with, “I want a divorce, I’m not attracted to you”. I’m crushed again. Depression immobilizes me and I can’t do much of anything for the following week. She is now out to the bar to 3am most nights so I avoid seeing her in person.

A week goes by since the “talk” she’s seeing multiple dudes, flaunting it on instagram, and appearing apathetic to the 12 year relationship. I move out and get a lawyer.

Today was the last day for me to take down some fixtures and grab the last boxes. Halfway through I notice a used “plan b” package on the counter. I grit my teeth and trudge on hoping she doesn’t come home. Well, she came home and I lost my shit. I’ve always been one to control my anger but I red out. I’m not physical with her and am just moving the last boxes out with intensity. She pleads she didn’t know she left it out and is more concerned about the stuff she wants back from me. I throw it into the woods and say some nasty shit. Before I get violent, I leave. This will be the last time I hope to see her again.

I don’t know if therapy can help me, any advice?

Also if you made it this far, thanks.