~ archived since 2018 ~

What this world can do to autistic men.

October 21, 2022

I'm a 33 year old autistic with P.T.S.D., general anxiety disorder and massive depressive disorder who was raised but a toxic single mother, who from the time I was 7, tried drilling into my head that men are scum and can't be trusted. However everything I've seen in my life has taught me that it's the opposite. To be clear, I don't hate women, I'll hate individuals based on their personality or actions but I definitely don't trust women. As a result I don't hug women (even family), I don't help or approach women, I absolutely don't date, when out for a jog I'll cross to the other side of the street if a women is coming my way. I actively avoid female staff in stores if possible and I step out of the lift (elevator) as soon as possible if a women enters, I don't even interact with women on social media if i can avoid it. Being a white autistic male basically makes me public enemy No.1 in today's society and everything I do as soon as I walk out my door is run through a filter of self preservation against false accusations of sexual assault in a world where being polite and saying "good morning" can be responded to by the screeching of "I hAvE A bOyFrIeNd!!!" Or "GeT aWaY FrOM mE!!" As if I was some lovecraftian mutant that had emerged from the sewers to infect others with terrible diseases and steal small children from their homes. I wasn't always like this... however after a lifetime of being mistreated because of my gender and autism, being constantly refused even a return call for my dream job (mens suiting and styling) after 30+ attempts because they prefer female staff and being unable to make small talk while so much as trying on a new pair of shoes without the female staff bringing up some unrelated anecdote about their boyfriend or husband because they assume I'm interested in them I've become the broken, skittish and distrusting hermit that I am now, working a underpaid and understaffed warehousing job that makes me even more miserable than I already was.... something needs to change in the world but I can't see it happening any time soon.

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[–]mule_roany_mare 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck dude.

Some people are born into easy lives & some people are born into challenging, isolating & painful lives. I get how you feel & I get why you feel that way, it bums me out to think how people will treat you & think of you after reading this.

I can tell you are a good & sensitive person who can do good in this world despite being injured by it. There is sadly truth in what you say, but it's also important to remember every human & every woman is just a person shaped by their experience for better or worse. Some suck, & suck hard, some are amazing & testament to humanity.

Unfortunately you aren't likely to meet the latter often because they don't beat down your door to be nice to you the same way an asshole goes out of their way to be an asshole.

It might sound stupid, but the best way to help yourself is to help other people. You could spend some time volunteering & do your part to make the world what it should have been when you were seven years old.

DM me dude, if you live near NYC I could use aa friendly sewer dweller to offer some styling advice.

[–]BloomingBrains 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Even though I'm not autistic or have any of those mental health conditions you have, I do feel as if I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. The fear is less intense for me, of course, but there is always that little nagging voice in the back of my mind that reminds me: "she could get you sent to jail where you'd be the one that gets raped and murdered". So I mostly engage with women on a very superficial level. I'll make small talk, laugh, make jokes, etc. and can even be a little charming with them, but never to the point of flirting. I refuse to give them any ammo. It also makes sure that I don't get attached. Avoiding attachments is critical because if you don't form attachments, you can't be let down.

It also helps to remind myself that women who scream "I hAvE A bOyFrIeNd!!!" are mostly likely going to be living in a metaphorical hell of their own creation. By pushing away every good guy like us that does respect their boundaries, the only ones they'll remain approachable to a priori are the ones that don't respect boundaries. I'm sure that most of the women who have mistreated you will be asking "Where have all the good men gone?" eventually. But by that point they'll be more maladjusted to living life alone than you are.

We have a spark of warmth and light within us. People try to rip that away from us so we can become frozen husks like they are. They want our spark but don't realize it. So don't let them take it from you. Even if they should succeed, they are damned infinitely more than you could ever be, because at least you've known the spark's touch.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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