How do you go from casual hook ups to a relationship?

tomowudi · 2020-05-15T21:58:10+00:00

Because the redpill and pick up aren't how you develop and maintain a healthy relationship with a sexual partner.

They are about how you can manipulate women into giving you sex while AVOIDING a healthy relationship with a sexual partner. The Red Pill relies on the idea that relationships with women or men are inherently competitive, when they aren't.

You get what you put into a relationship.

You want intimacy and honesty - that is what you have to put into it. You want your partner to trust you, you have to act trustworthy. If you want to trust your partner, you have to not only give them opportunities to betray that trust, you also have to be willing to forgive them for decisions that FEEL like betrayal when they were really just accidents that you ALSO make - they just look different because the accidents are our assumptions about how someone else will feel about our decision.

Red Pill requires you to think about your relationships as inherently adversarial. A competition. You have to posture, you have to be witty, you have to grunt into some dude's crotch 4 times a week while lifting weights so that you can be manly... Because heaven forbid that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with see you as a vulnerable, limited human being that could use a hug and a good cry after a horrendously stressful day.

God forbid that you should trust that people that fuck you will actually care enough about your feelings to coddle you like a child when you are feeling sad, overwhelmed, or hurt.

The red pill is basically self help for dudes traumatized by women, built up around stereotypes of women that made sense in the 1400 hundreds and that's about it. Times have changed.

Did you know that only men would wear high heels? It was for horseback riding. And skirts are manly in Scotland.

The point being is that the reason why the red pill works is because it is about taking traumatized men with low self esteem, making them feel superior to the women they feel insecure around, and then teaches them how to identify manipulate the most vulnerable and wounded women they can find into being human sex toys until they either develop a self-esteem or mature out of being interested in wasting time with the fuckboys that redpillers have become.

Having lots of sex is awesome because orgasms are awesome. Having lots of partners can make you feel better about yourself because it signifies that you have SOME value - in that you are attractive.

But attractive women are just as attractive as the most alpha of fuckboys, right? Because the only measure for the value of attraction is how many people want to fuck you. That's it.

There is nothing more required, which is why attractive men and women are generally considered shallow, because you may have to do some work to be attractive, but it's mostly luck. You are either naturally attractive, or you have put a TON of effort into it...

But that doesn't make you interesting.

It doesn't make you kind.

It doesn't make you pleasant to be around.

It doesn't make you helpful in a crisis.

It doesn't make you smart.

It doesn't make you a good person.

And it's definitely not enough to make you like yourself.

Because being able to fuck some wounded or shallow person through manipulation isn't why you got into the Red Pill, is it?

You got into it for the reason that every man on this forum has looked into it at least once.

At some point, you felt lonely. At some point you wondered if you were worthless because no one seemed to want you.

Maybe you were bullied.

Maybe you had shitty parents.

Maybe you were cheated on by a girl.

Or maybe you just never had the courage to ask out a girl you liked in highschool because she was "out of your league".

That shit didn't happen by accident.

You don't start thinking that you are a loser until you feel like you have lost.

Until you feel like there IS a competition, and you are in LAST PLACE.

Because when you feel like a loser, you naturally start to wonder how you can change how you feel. How you can stop losing. What is "wrong" with you that others have that you don't.

Hell, you are still doing it after embracing the red pill and getting a "roster".

Which means you are still comparing yourself to everyone else and you aren't happy with what you see.

But what you are looking at is yourself my dude.

You aren't happy with yourself.

You aren't happy with WHO you are.

If you were, why would you compare yourself to anyone or anything? When you are happy eating pizza, do you spontaneously think about a hamburger?

Fuck no.

When you are happy with something, you try to keep it. You don't go looking for a better option.

And that's all the red pill is. It's a distraction from the thing that is at the root of your unhappiness.

Your relationship to yourself.

If you don't like who you are, of course you would try to be someone else. Why would you inflict the miserable loser you believe you are on someone you like or admire?

Which just causes you to feel fake and awkward when you are around someone you like.

And so when you pretend to be the "alpha" character described by the red pill script... It distracts you from who you are by letting you think of yourself as this character you are playing.

And either way - by being embarrassed with who you are or pretending to be someone you think is better - you are denying everyone a chance to admire you as you are when you are at your happiest and most content.

Which is how you feel when you like yourself. You don't want to be someone else. You just want to get better at being you. But you can't really know who you are until you develop a healthy RELATIONSHIP with YOURSELF.

You need to be a good friend.

You need to listen to yourself and recognize when you are judging yourself to harshly, or not protecting yourself by establishing boundaries, or when you are expecting that you should somehow be immune from making mistakes because you want to be something MORE than a fallible human.

You are a stranger to yourself, and if you can't be honest and vulnerable with yourself about that, then you won't be able to have that with anyone else.

But...

You could start. You could be honest about that with potential new partners, letting them know that this is what you are working on and that you are wanting a partner who is willing to help you work on that by being just as vulnerable in admitting what they want to be better at for themselves.

Because from there, as long as you are both honest, you don't have to be perfect. You just have to work together at helping each other be better versions of yourselves. And that's what your friends and exes have. Each other.

Because they were willing to forgive each other when they were at their worst, because mistakes and bad decisions are inevitable.

You will fuck up.

So will your future ex-girlfriend.

You won't be able to avoid that.

The only thing you can do is the only thing that defines your character/value.

When you fuck up - how do you take responsibility for it?

And in a relationship - there is no blame. There is just the fuckup, and both people have to live with the mess until it gets cleaned. So when she fucks up, it's your mess. And when you fuck up, it's her mess, and you don't take turns fucking up and cleaning up.

You have to work together to clean up each other's messes together. One day she will put in more work than you, and another day you will do the heavy lifting. But as long as you are working together, the books balance themselves, so there is no benefit into accounting.

It's not the mess, but the cleanup that matters.

2020-05-15T21:37:18+00:00

There are 2 school of thought in the matter:

the people that believe that something that started as hooking up/FB/FWB will always remain hooking up/FB/FWB
the people who believe that it's possible to start as hooking up/FB/FWB and then transform that arrangement into a relationship

If both parties belong to #2, it just progresses that way once they both catch feelings.

But if even 1 of them belong to #1, there's no way

Inareskai · 2020-05-15T23:41:18+00:00

Honestly, get 'friend zoned' (I hate that phrase, but it's the best advice I've got)Most lasting relationships are founded on some form of friendship to begin with - not going after them just because they're hot and you want to get laid, but because you get on with them and they get on with you. You want to hang out with them (and they with you) even if there's no sex involved in that hang out (not necessarily no sex at all, just like spending an evening together doesn't have to mean sex).

Some people do hook up and then find they click as people - generally that's how it works on dating sites/apps if people are looking for that. But other people don't even 'approach things differently' they just, have a friend who they get on with really well and then things progress.

To clarify - you don't make a friend in the hopes it will turn into something more, you make a friend and they're a cool friend and then sometimes it turns into more. Going in with expectations that it will be more or with that as your motive is much less likely to end well and will probably end up with you becoming bitter if it doesn't (which is super unattractive).

thecrazytexan · 2020-05-15T21:53:18+00:00

Here's my advice. I was never a red Piller but I was habitually womanizing in college. Just want to be in a relationship. When you go on dates, tell them you want to find a long term relationship, that you want to find someone to be with and not just sleep... Rep pillers tend to stay away from this because the capacity to be ley down is plentiful. People can be bad at knowing what they want and relationships are hard but if you look, youll eventually find. I don't mean like be an animal in your search, just be honest with yourself and others. Being honest with yourself is the more crutiial part

Yesm3can · 2020-05-16T00:21:19+00:00

Dude, are you for real? Why make things so complicated? If you have no problem telling your boss that you are interested in taking up a new project, you should not have a problem telling someone that you are interested in a serious, long term relationship with them. The ball is then in their court.

xvszero · 2020-08-04T09:58:01+00:00

Well, redpill is hogwash, so it isn’t surprising. You want a real relationship, you start from a position of respect. You get to know another human being. You don’t play silly games. You don’t set a bunch of dumb rules about when and how you can meet. You just enjoy being with each other and the rest follows naturally, more or less.

1987fallenstar · 2020-05-15T20:31:12+00:00

[deleted]

Title	How do you go from casual hook ups to a relationship?
Author	greenwaffulz
Upvotes	48
Comments	24
Date	May 15, 2020 8:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/gkgp49/how_do_you_go_from_casual_hook_ups_to_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/how-do-you-go-from-casual-hook-ups-to-a.664985 https://theredarchive.com/post/664985