At almost 23, all I have to my name is a nearly completed engineering degree and a fuck of student loans.

No fun memories. No friends. No dating experience. So many missed out milestones. The cause for missing out on many milestones is simply due to not having friends. I was a fat social outcast in highschool, graduating with 0 friends, and I never got over my social anxiety in college. I always feel like people don't like me.

I never fully grew out of being one of those "kids who sat alone at lunch."

There are so many normal experiences people my age have had that I can't relate to at all. I don't know what it's like to just call a friend and go to the beach one day. Or go to a bar or club. I don't know what house parties are like besides the few appartment parties I went to in college.

I don't even understand the "Saturdays are for the boys" meme, because I've never had a group of guy friends to call "the boys".

I have no dating experience. I realize I'm and adult that can't even look a mildly attractive girl in the eye. I wouldn't even know what to say to a girl in person. I've tried dating apps without luck. I have hung out with a girl only twice in my life. There are so many things I want to do with a girl if I could actually get a date or a girlfriend, and learn what it feels like to be wanted.

I'm not confident that a girl would like me. I'm boring. I go to work, then the gym, then browse reddit, youtube, or tiktok in my free time. I don't really have hobbies. I don't play video games. I don't drink. I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone.

I've had a year of isolation in quarantine to learn how to love myself and be content in my own company. But it didn't work. I want friends, I need companionship. I'm lonely, sad, and unsure how to change. And I unfortunately feel like the damage done to my mental heath during the past year of isolation isn't fixable. Like even if I do get friends, I still won't feel happy and won't look foreward to anything. But I want to change.