Growing up I watched a lot of nerdy gamer guys on YouTube and many got sucked into PUA and from there TRP. I've always been scared of being branded a feminist since it was unpopular with my peers, so I thought that TRP was automatically the harsh truth I didn't want to accept. I've read way to much of that stuff.

Now I’m in my twenties and I feel like I have this third person perceptive on myself. I have intrusive thoughts on how redpiller men would judge me that I argue with in my head.

For example,

Whenever I cry I feel like I’m only crying because I’m a woman and I’m too emotional. I’m in college I feel deeply ashamed of myself if I get anything lower then an 85 in any math quiz or test. I’m terrified that if a man sees me make a mistake at work or in school reflects on all female kind.

I feel happy if in public I can hand my boyfriend money for dinner or buy him something, because I’m always thinking there is a man who will see I’m paying for things and know I’m not using him for money. It’s like I want to prove I’m not one of the evil women they talk about dating in TRP.

My boyfriend and I have gotten into some femdom rope stuff in the past year and I really like it, but there is this voice in my head that says that I’m lying to myself and that women are meant to be submissive.Then I get into an argument with myself because I know my porn preference, and I know I like submale stuff.

I’ve spent hours trying to scrutinizing if my love for my boyfriend is based around hypergamy since he'll one day make more money then me if he finishes his degree. I keep thinking I would know if I loved him for what he materially offers me. I use to believe people usually preferred to have safety and money and before all this I would have said that was a universal yearning. But maybe I just assumed it was universal because I’m a woman?

In public I feel anxious that they are redpilled men around me and see me as subhuman and are judging my every action.

Part of me is worried they’re right and I’m not even human in the way men are human, and it makes me feel isolated and sad. Like this just overwhelming, existential sadness, as if I was just cut off from half or all of humanity forever.