Hi all. I'm really struggling to keep myself away from old thought patterns lately.

After 25 years, I had somehow managed to land a girlfriend for about a month, effectively changing my life and opinion about myself. That short-lived relationship meant to me that I was finally worthy as a man. I grew up very fast in all facets of life after that and gained a lot of confidence. As it would follow, I assumed that I had broken my curse forever. I wasn't worried about the future anymore. After a while, I really started to wonder whether or not that girl was a fluke. And then the thoughts got worse.

I've put more effort into my appearance and gone out more in the last two years than I ever have before but I haven't managed to get close to any girl since. I don't come off as desperate nor am I a pushover. I don't cold approach, I don't do special favors. I just try to talk to girls normally if they're around and see them as people, even though I still get very nervous. But recently I've been losing my patience with loneliness and becoming more prone to suicidal episodes when triggered by certain RP "truths" that still resound in my mind from back then. For instance, any woman talking about their involvement with men that aren't me automatically sends me spiraling down as I start to imagine them being plowed by a hot dude they just met off the street, etc. Years ago I used to act upon it and hurt myself, a few times very badly and sustaining permanent injuries that have crippled my physical health to this day. I don't do things like that anymore, but the intensity of the emotions are probably just as strong.

While my allegiance to the redpill/incel ideology was washed away for good with that relationship, I am being increasingly tormented in everyday life again. My mind can't help but crawl back to some of those ideas because they give an assured explanation as to why I have to endure this kind of pain. Doesn't help much with anything though, just gives me an excuse to victimize myself further. The truth is that I feel ugly, I feel emasculated, I feel like I am not seen as a real man, only the friend, the comic relief character, the supposed gay guy (?), the one who has to believe that there is some guarantee that they'll ever meet someone interested in them again (if that girl ever really was). I don't know if I can really be helped in this format. I admit that my life has a lot of other, non-girl problems because my brain seems to be screwed on backwards. I should probably go look for a therapist specializing in men's issues, I'm sure those are pretty popular these days. But I wanted to share regardless. Thanks for reading.