My husband is taking on his best friend's negative views of women. Is there anything I can reasonably do?

mammajess · 2022-01-07T17:08:35+00:00

"he sulks for hours, makes snide remarks, and trues to have what I would describe as degrading sexual contact with me."

This is very serious abuse. You cannot achieve anything without putting your foot down. I don't know why but even men who aren't innately terrible often slide towards abuse easily when they have a personal problem. Simply refuse to put up with all of this and be really serious about it and express that you cannot and will not tolerate it.

I wish I could tell you something else to make him change his behaviour but he needs to stop immediately, it's very urgent.

www366 · 2022-01-07T16:55:02+00:00

You may want to ask/cross post this with r/QanonCasualties.

They can also provide you insight as they deal with stuff like this all the time.

juliuspepperwoodchi · 2022-01-07T17:02:27+00:00

While coming clean about being addicted to (professional) sex may seem like a huge betrayal to most people, I viewed it as being authentic and trusting me enough to let me know.

I mean, that's the FIRST step in him rectifying the situation and hurt he caused. Is he seeing a therapist to work through his shit? Are you seeing one together?

He has always been somewhat isolated. He has serious anxiety about forming friendships since his prior best friend tried to drunkenly murder him in 2016.

Ummm, omg, seriously PLEASE tell me he is in therapy, that alone would SERIOUSLY fuck just about anyone up mentally.

That friend is deep into both MGTOW and Red Pill culture. My husband has told me that his friend repeatedly encouraged my husband to have affairs, and even framed it as a budgeting decision when he found out about my husband's pro-infidelities (which began before this friendship and were not caused by, but no doubt were fueled by, his friend's views.)

I'm usually not in favor of partners attempting to control who their partner associates with as friends...but this person is toxic to your husband, you, and your relationship. Hubby needs to decide NOW which is more important to him, his "friend" or you.

Is there something that would have gotten through to you, or something that might've convinced you to see a therapist? I miss feeling close to my husband.

Well fuck. There it is. Do whatever you can to not make it a blatant ultimatum; but he needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, what you expect from him moving forward in terms of this "friend" and his OBVIOUS need for therapy (and frankly, y'all need it too as a couple given the things he's saying and past transgressions)...and that you WILL NOT be waiting around for him if he can't commit to that and follow through on it now.

Again, don't make it an angry ultimatum, but he needs to understand this isn't a soft, chill, "in your own time" situation. He needs to act now, or you need to GTFO for your own sanity and safety.

That said, if a drunken friend almost murdering him didn't convince him to see a therapist, I'm not sure I know what will.

Curious, not that it much matters nor would it justify it: did his activities with professionals start AFTER the plotted/attempted murder? Again, his infidelity isn't justified, but it seems like maybe that trauma was a catalyst for change in him that he hasn't unpacked or dealt with.

ubuntuuuuu · 2022-01-07T17:55:36+00:00

If you want to fight for this marriage, I would suggest this:

Imagine your life 20 years from now with this man and ask yourself if you would be happy living with him if he stays the way he is now. Because if he decides not to change, it will only get worse, trust me. Plan save escape option for yourself, just in case.

And now, you can't tolerate this behavior. He is testing how far can he go, probably trying to train you, just like red pillers talk about training their partners. So show him now that this will not be tolerated before it gets worse.

And remember that your happiness is important and you don't have to waste your life on a man who doesn't respect you and doesn't treat you well. Again, imagine yourself with this man 20-30 years from now.

xvszero · 2022-01-07T16:45:00+00:00

Am I reading this right? While together he was visiting sex workers behind your back, he chooses to be friends with a trash dude who encourages this, and now he is trashing women in general? Don't blame his friend. Your husband sucks. He sucked long before this most recent decline and he probably won't get better. Yes ex red pill happens sometimes but he had serious issues before red pill and to be honest he probably always held these red pill views to some degree. If he is willing to try therapy see if you can get him in that, but he probably won't be.

lilycamilly · 2022-01-07T17:04:20+00:00

My only advice is just to nip that behavior in the bud. Let him know that that shit does NOT fly every time he displays those behaviors. Tell him exactly what you said here about missing feeling vulnerable and that he's not acting like the man you chose to marry.

Honestly, if I were in your boat, I would leave. Cheating is an absolute deal-breaker for me, and I would have been out of there in an instant if I found out my husband was banging prostitutes behind my back. You're a saint for staying when he was doing that. LET HIM KNOW THAT. Let him know all the bullshit he already put you through and you chose to stay because you love him, but you won't put up with everything. Stick up for yourself, set boundaries and STICK TO THEM.

vcreativ · 2022-01-07T18:12:21+00:00

First of all, I am sorry to hear this, it already sucks to read this. I can only imagine how you must feel. I am trying to be as honest as I can be.

Here's what you know, he did something over a long period of time of which he knew it would likely have a profoundly negative impact on your relationship and would hurt you. He was perfectly capable to lie about this to you for years (if I am reading this correctly).

The same guy says he has trauma for some reason. Unless you've seen a police report (which should exist for something as specific as a murder attempt) from an outside source this is just a story from someone who is happy to lie to you.

And his values are currently degrading. He's happy to leverage criticism, silent treatment, snide remarks, and attempts at "degrading sexual contact" with you as punishment and manipulation tactics because you're a woman or something.

I am having trouble to view him as anything other than a time bomb. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't see value in staying, only risks.

He has many wonderful traits.

Please talk to a therapist or someone of that ilk about this, based on the way you've been describing him that's a very surprising thing to write. This seems by no means an appropriate assessment of the situation.

I hope this helps. Sorry if it's too blunt. Best of luck.

bearfruit_ · 2022-01-07T18:36:47+00:00

There are a lot of great men in this world who aren't so insecure that they have to cultivate disrespect of women to feel better, or cheat on their partners. Your husband appears to be acting more and more like a spoiled toddler. These are very serious issues and as others have commented do add up to abuse and manipulation. You are being used by this man who is supposed to love you, but this isn't what love looks like.

It sounds based on the relationship and his inability to make friends that he has serious issues. If he's willing to find a therapist to work with there may be hope, but as an outsider he seems so far gone that I have to wonder if you have tendencies towards codependency if you've put up with this extreme behavior. His issues are beyond Reddit's ability to help. In case you need to hear this, you will be okay without him. You bring a lot to the table. You will find a loving man if you choose to seek that.

Kilagria · 2022-01-07T19:41:22+00:00

Time to take off those rose-colored glasses and look into sunk cost fallacy.

xvszero · 2022-01-07T19:45:25+00:00

I know this sounds extremely bad, but I am trying to focus on the problem areas so it's more readable and concise. He has many wonderful traits.

This is what every person in a fucked up relationship says though.

AquaChip · 2022-01-07T20:43:08+00:00

Wait wait wait….back it up. So he cheated on you longterm now he’s turning into a raging sexist? It sounds like he’s wants to paint women as the reason for his sex addiction and he has yet to take full accountability. Instead of controlling himself he rather paint women as evil slut temptresses than address his own failings. This guy is not a good person. I’m sorry.

brightflower3113 · 2022-01-07T17:22:52+00:00

“i know it sounds bad” yeah because it IS bad

HelenHavok · 2022-01-07T22:31:04+00:00

If you don’t want to leave him, you guys need couples therapy asap. This toxic passive aggressive nonsense and overt sexism is ruining your relationship. It sounds like you were at least able to have an open dialogue before. Go get some counseling. You need to be firm that not going with you is not an option if he’d like to continue to be with you and be serious about that. Think of it like preventative medical care. If you let the cancer fester for years, it will kill you. But if you zap it early on, while it’s small, you are more likely to survive.

beigs · 2022-01-07T20:41:30+00:00

Imagine your good friend or sister writing this

What would you say to them?

Write down your answer and read it. Read it out loud.

Think about it for a bit.

Go to a therapist.

Your husband needs serious help, but I think he was pushing boundaries by telling you his addiction to sex workers, slowly giving up chores, emotional and verbal abuse, and now has you basically wondering how to salvage a marriage and feeling that no longer exists.

It’s not your job to fix him. He has to want to change to do anything. The only thing you can change is yourself. Your perception. Your behavior. He’s showing no signs of wanting to change, and is digging in his heels.

Do you want to live like this?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with who he has become? Have kids with him? Grow old with him?

Imagine having a girl - how will he treat her? Because I know how my dad treated me, and believe me, it took therapy to get over those scars.

softnmushy · 2022-01-07T17:00:52+00:00

Well, your husband sounds awful. And it sounds like he will probably get worse because there were not serious consequences to his prior infidelity and because his best friend is teaching him to be even worse.

But, if you still want to salvage the relationship, I suggest you give him an ultimatum. You tell him you will divorce him if he does not treat you as an equal, cut all ties with his toxic friend, and stop looking at mgtow and redpill websites.

absolutebeginners · 2022-01-07T17:20:28+00:00

Is this a joke?

WestAtmosphere · 2022-01-07T17:48:18+00:00

No offense I can't imagine your husband having any wonderful traits, and if he does it's going to be heavily out shadowed by the fact he is straight-up abusive. He sounds narcissistic, and you sound like an empath (perfect victim for a narc). Narc's are abusive, but also can be charming at times to reel you back in. Reconsider leaving, the abuse is going to get worse ... I mean he's already being degrading to you in a sexual way .... like ????

AbbreviationsDue7794 · 2022-01-07T23:18:07+00:00

Seems like he has a long history of not respecting women (the sex worker stuff/infidelity). I'm not sure if this "friend" is a bad influence or he found a kindred spirit.

ATK80k · 2022-01-08T01:05:56+00:00

Your husband told you that he's an untreated addict. That happens. Unfortunately he's an untreated addict who now thinks he's done all the hard work of recovery simply by telling you about his problem. He obviously thinks he's all done, all better. Now, everything that happens after his so-called "confession" he will blame be on you.

He's simply starting hurting you in a new way with the Redpill stuff. He likes to hurt you for some reason.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

LadyKitana · 2022-01-08T01:43:18+00:00

I am very sorry that your going through this, it’s heartbreaking. Please listen when I say this, I understand that he has had trauma and an addiction. However that is not your fault and it is it not your responsibility to fix.

It seems like his friend has exposed the ideas that he already has, people attract what they project. What ever happened the reality is that this will not get better. As another poster has said the “training” will get worse, he will continue to push the boundaries of what he can get away with, and the more he does the more he will make you feel that you will never do better than him and you won’t leave. The cycle will continue, please listen. The fact he wines and complains for hours is toxic and Manipulation.

What is terrifying to me is when you said “Degrading sexual contact” that is awful!!!! That comment alone, I can’t even…

He also sounds like the type of guy that would freak out if you talked to another guy even in a friendly way. Despite all he has done to you, sexual double standards are big in the red pill and they will always justify the men doing what they want to do.

You need to start making a plan to leave him. Please listen I watched someone I know go though a toxic relationship and let me tell you she is the strongest person I know, you may think you can look past it but it will take you a piece at a time. It did with her, her best decision was to leave.

At the end of the day, you need to decide the kind of life you want to live, and look yourself in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. Please talk to someone for support. This honestly breaks my heart that your going through this.

I wish you the best and I hope this helps you.

minosandmedusa · 2022-01-07T18:01:06+00:00

I think the only thing you can do if you don’t want to leave is to have patient conversations with your husband about the views themselves.

Try not to scoff or be dismissive, but let him explain his views and then see if you can make any headway in persuading him that his views are wrong. I would think “do you really think that describes me?” Would be something that would come up (like do you really think I’m a gold digger, or see you as a beta bux or whatever nonsense).

CFinCanada · 2022-01-07T17:39:34+00:00

r/trashy

Please leave this man.

vickichen24 · 2022-01-07T18:46:38+00:00

Have a serious discussion

Why does he think this way now?

Counter his views with your ‘evidence’ — all the chores you have been doing, etc

Don’t fight head to head, that would probably cause more RedPill ideologies and behaviors to flare up. Discuss this in a way where you are genuinely curious why he is the way he is, so he doesn’t feel attacked.

And maybe marriage counseling after you both reach a consensus that you want this marriage to continue.

OP, I admire your strength and openness to talk through your husband’s infidelity, and I hope you both make it through this as well

LGP1388 · 2022-01-08T01:07:03+00:00

Even if things are great 95% of the time and he’s wonderful and sweet, the 5% of the time he is toxic makes the entire relationship toxic. Someone told me that once in a comment and it really stuck with me. He’s walking on eggshells and forcing you to do the same thing! and soon he’ll be stomping all around them. and he will keep pushing boundaries because these things escalate. Im so sorry I know that’s not what you want to hear. It’s your decision and I know it’s not easy but if you are going to stay i would suggest still maintaining other relationships and finding a hobby just for you to focus on. Also, something that helped me was Codependents anonymous (CoDa) This group has a lot of tools that have helped me maintain sanity and gave me a sense of community. It also prompted me to do some self exploration, which turns out I needed. I have been in the same situation and kind of still am so i’m not judging. Only sharing with what works for me and maybe it could work for you too. Best of luck

Naus1987 · 2022-01-07T20:56:28+00:00

Introduce them to the study of ethics. They shouldn’t look at the world through opinion, but ethical rationality.

shoecat85 · 2022-01-08T02:40:27+00:00

I don’t understand what motivation he has to change. You stated that you have ‘0 desire to leave him’ so he gets to regress into a self-focused child with a wife that is increasingly taking on the burdens of adulthood for him. Sounds like win-win if he doesn’t care about how this affects you or the people around him, which appears to be the case.

I think you need to consider that these grievances he’s delving into are a form of avoidance - the belief that the world persecutes him and elevates you for intrinsic qualities tied to your sex, and that this explanation morally justifies being as self-serving as one likes. He is avoiding the pain associated with responsibility for how his actions might affect other people.

Floomby · 2022-01-08T03:17:46+00:00

Imagine you go to a restaurant that is famous for making this one amazing kind of soup. They put in nothing but fresh, locally grown, organic ingredients sourced from boutique farms. The chef is internationally known. Even just the bread they always serve with it is straight out of the oven and served with fresh churned, organic butter. Everything is perfect.

Now imagine that you go out to this restaurant and eat a huge bowl of soup and half a loaf of bread. Then, the next day, you hear on the news that the chef never covers their face at all when they cough and sneeze. Everything goes flying. Their spit and snot definitely wound up in whatever they're working on. It has been caught on camera.

Now, how do you feel about that soup? Would you ever be inclined to go to that restaurant again? Why or why not?

After all, the food is the most amazing thing you have ever tasted. You're craving it even now. However, the owner declared straight out that they don't believe in masks or germs. They believe that the chef's behavior is fine.

Maybe you should keep eating their soup, right? 99% of the soup is fine. How big can a blob of snot be? Like, a 1/4 teaspoon at most, right? That means that a blob of snot in 1 cup of soup is less than 1% by volume. How bad can that be?

Would you want to eat that soup?

Most partners never cheat, ever.

Most partners contribute at least something to the housework.

Most partners never, ever sulk for hours or make snide remarks when there is a disagreement.

Most partners would never dream of forcing their partners into degrading sexual acts for any reason, and certainly not as a punishment.

If your partner is sweet and nice 99% of the time, and 1% of the time cheats or commits emotional and sexual abuse, the real question is, is that one moment of feeling that slimy blob go down your throat worth it as inevitable cost of eating soup that you really like?

It's not up to us, it's up to you. Just be honest with yourself.

Melvin-Melon · 2022-01-08T05:04:20+00:00

If you can’t convince him to go to therapy you should go yourself. The worst thing would be for him to convince you, you deserve the way he’s treating you. And just to be clear. He will never stop cheating on you and when he complains about women you are not an exception. He wouldn’t act like you are meant to be his servant if he respected you.

EmpressVee2222 · 2022-01-08T09:04:06+00:00

You certainly need a therapist pronto.

The first thing I would do is insist he do the things he's shirking.

First thing in the morning, tell him the laundry is piling up and you expect him to do it. His response to that request will open a dialog where you can express how what he's doing is making you feel. If he doesn't care about how you feel, that's information you need in order to make a decision about the rest of your life.

Vynxe-Vainglory · 2022-01-08T09:25:26+00:00

I'm not going to comment on the gross behavior he's already displayed. That's it's own matter, but for the future, imagine this:

If you really don't agree with the views he has picked up from his friend, why not make a better argument and get him to agree with you?

If you're definitely in the right, this should be achievable; and although it may be difficult to do and require much thought and effort, I would imagine it's still easier than putting up with the status quo, or leaving him.

It sounds to me, as with most "Red Pill truths" that RPers pick up, in his heart he wishes they weren't true, and is resentful that they are. He'd love to be proven wrong.

Grant his wish for him.

the_sea_witch · 2022-01-08T11:46:55+00:00

As a general rule, people like people who are like themselves.

ruboyuri · 2022-01-08T18:38:13+00:00

He’s not happy with things the way they are or he wouldn’t have fucked hookers and embraced red pill. Divorce or give in

GloomyHousing2657 · 2022-01-08T21:29:00+00:00

This sounds like abuse to me.

Angstyteengirl143 · 2022-01-09T06:08:43+00:00

Get some self respect and ditch the dead weight

GoldenLassoGirl · 2022-01-09T18:54:19+00:00

I’m going to put this very bluntly, but do not intend to be unkind: This man does not respect you. You are an abuse victim who is rationalizing your desire to stay with him.

He repeatedly put you in harms way by cheating on you with prostitutes for 6 years.
He continues to associate and mimic the behavior of a friend who encourages and supports his cheating.
He treats you badly and uses physical touch as a way to objectify and degrade you when he isn’t feeling in control of your behavior.

You cannot do anything to change his behavior. Nothing. He needs to make that choice and right now he isn’t interested. He is abusing you. The entitlement he is showing to your body is a major red flag and could easily escalate to physical abuse or sexual assault, if it hasn’t already.

You are an abuse victim. I’m one too. It’s our nature to change ourselves to please the abuser in an attempt to influence their behavior and make our situation safer. It doesn’t work. You can’t change him. You cannot change his mind or his beliefs. You can only make choices to protect yourself.

Are you in therapy together? If not, that is the first thing to insist on. If he is unwilling to do that, you will know how much he cares about your relationship.

I understand you aren’t ready to leave. Please get individual therapy, or at the very least find a support group for abused partners. They will be able to give you long-term support.

WannaBeA_Vata · 2022-01-07T22:36:01+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Temerity2 · 2022-01-08T03:22:22+00:00

That guy is based. Feminism is pure cancer and I hope the movement gets crushed quickly. It would be so easy to deal with as well, but the simps in power aren't done white knighting yet. Meanwhile everyone suffers. Declining birth rates, a lack of feminine women, higher divorce rates among other things.

Title	My husband is taking on his best friend's negative views of women. Is there anything I can reasonably do?
Author	WannaBeA_Vata
Upvotes	56
Comments	57
Date	January 7, 2022 4:41 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/rybmpk/my_husband_is_taking_on_his_best_friends_negative/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/my-husband-is-taking-on-his-best-friends-negative.1094122 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094122