Hello? I'm not sure about how to start this.

Well, I had never been in a relationship in my 20 years. So, never. It was due to traumas and stuff related to my fear of abandonment. And the fact that I never felt that good thing about having a relationship in my teen years. In fact, during my adolescence my thoughts were like: "why is everybody getting into relationships?" "What's the point?" "Do they lack affection?" "That shit is gonna break, so, why so much effort?" "Nothing lasts". And more about that mindset.

I tried just one time (I was driven by sexual intentions) but I ended up playing Mr. Nice guy and simping a girl who later would fuck me up when didn't have my attention any longer (accusing me of stalking, hopefully not rape). Therefore I stopped thinking with my dick and following my sexual desires. "I won't fall for sexual desire again" or something along those lines. I just don't want someone to have sex with, I am looking for something genuine. Also, that situation fucked my social skills and confidence to build a strong personality.

Fast forward to November 2021, I talked with a friend, she was trying to understand relationships, like me, she didn't have much experience with dates and stuff. She read about the red pill and we had a conversation over it. She's a very organized and tactical person like me who follows sequential premeditated steps to get a result. The conversation planted the seed in my brain and I kept learning about it. How to treat women, going indifferent, shit test, tactical thoughts, not showing emotions, showing instability, never letting women know where they stand in the relationship, keep a frame of continuous uncertainty and fight for other females, let her know that she's replaceable, make her jealous that you're talking to others, get her obsessed, play hot/cold, don't show interest. And all what you know. I know it has another name but I don't remember it.

Suddenly, I started consume that content a lot. Everywhere. YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, publicity. Basically behave like an asshole to get a girlfriend/woman. Because as you know assholes are the one who get the hot chicks. However the thing is that it's not because they're assholes it's because they're confident and are not afraid of speaking their mind up.

Here's the thing: In January, I met a spectacular woman, I mean, she's all what I always had wanted. We had a strong and powerful connection. With her the hours passed like seconds. She was smart, gorgeous, kind, I mean, just perfect. Everything was amazing. Then, the Redpill kicked in. I started to tell her about other women I was talking to to get her jealous, I would be indifferent at times, and even I flirted with the other two women on social media to make her jealous because I knew she'd see it. I told her about a woman who talked to me months ago but we were not talking anymore. So, nothing to be worried about. Or idk, I even flirted with that woman. I was just being an asshole, after those events she went cold and didn't speak to me in one month. I just texted her: "is everything alright?" And left it there to don't appear too eager so I'd look like a creep (I'm a clown). Didn't ask her again to avoid looking eager and clingy. Very STUPID from my side. Things didn't work out anymore, I didn't ask if everything was alright or if she was mad, or what had happened, NOTHING.

As I wasn't going anywhere I met another woman, my ex, she was perfect (I'm not explaining everything), she was just very coquettish, clever, patient, kind, gorgeous, man, she was perfect, she ain't got a red flag. And I did the same thing again, BUT THIS TIME I'D MENTION HOW MUCH I MISSED THE OTHER GIRL, THAT I'D GET BACK AT HER. she was patient with me until she decided to cut it off. She really loved me and I couldn't appreciate it after now that I'm living the break up. I regret doing it. I played exactly the same things I had done with the other. I feel as a fucking scumbag,I hope she never ever comes back. She's too sweet for me, sorry honey.

So, I'm fucking stupid.