I'm in an ostensibly very healthy long term relationship with a wonderful woman who cares for me, loves me, is giving, has strong values, stunningly beautiful - we have a great sex life, deep connection - basically my dream relationship. But: I'm having a very, very difficult time psychologically - to the point that it drives me to weekly or daily depressive and anxiety-filled bouts with myself - this has been going on ever since I committed to my girlfriend.
I am tormented by visions of her with past men (and there aren't even that many - 6 to be exact) - particularly those that she slept with outside of a long term relationship (no one night stands, but while dating). I couldn't figure out why it disturbed me on such a deep level. I assumed that it was just my ingrained evolutionary programming - instincts to protect me from being cuckolded with a woman I see a future of marriage/children with. But it seemed far too extreme to just be that - especially when she is so seemingly trustworthy.
Some background: I found evolutionary psychology literature that explained the alpha/beta patterns of mating 13 years ago and then followed the early Mystery Method seduction stuff ("you must pretend to be alpha") a few years after that. I've been cheated on by a past girlfriend with her ex, I've also had a longer healthy relationship and I've also dated around and slept with 60+ women. I found The Red Pill 4 years ago when I was in a committed relationship with a girl that I felt was "out of my league" - her exes were still in contact and I saw many them as more attractive than me. My beliefs about alpha/beta already had seeded and perpetuated these insecurities, so when I found the Red Pill, it felt very empowering - a way to immediately regain power over my emotions, beef up my ego and look forward to years of casual fun sex (which did happen).
So, I recently realized that my beliefs were really damaging. I realize these old Red Pill and Evo Psych beliefs that empowered me, also unequivocally make me feel like a loser compared to everyone she's had uncommitted sex with. So I wrote down the beliefs I hold and while I know some of them sound insane, I would really like your confirmation that they are false - I feel like it's the only hope I have. I did read the stickied evidence thread, which helped. So, the beliefs that are destroying the relationship:
- Women give sex and men have to earn it. If men are worthy for a short-term fling, they are more "chosen" than a man chosen for a relationship - a man who gets sex without commitment is superior than one who needs to commit or show explicit signs that he wants to commit.
- The top 1-20% of men are the ones getting most of the sex, so it's likely that the men she slept with are better than me.
- Women present a loving, committed personality when they are in love with a long term mate, and a different, more sexual personality when they are with a highly attractive short-term mate. So the short-term sex partner sees more of her true nature, so he wins.
- Most men who date are just looking to get laid. Men who slept with my girlfriend just used her for sex, she allowed it. This makes them the winners over me.
- When a woman has sex with a new guy, it emotionally damages her somewhat. Sex in the future becomes a little less meaningful for her. Therefore, guys who got to her earlier won over the guy who has her now.
- Younger women are always more valuable, so if a guy slept with her when she was younger (even by a couple years), he got something better than me that I will never have.
- More masculine men, more social men, taller men are always more attractive than more sensitive, more introverted, average height men (i.e. me) - these are probably the same high/middle school jerks that have beat me my whole life - and they also beat me to my girlfriend's vagina.
- Women retroactively change their memories of their past to fit their current relationship. For instance, a past very passionate sexual relationship will be explained away as "empty, unsatisfying", so the comparison you hear, even if it's very favorable - "you're the best sexual and romantic partner I've ever had" - can't be trusted.
- Sexual relationships are inherently adversarial - women will bait a provider-type by pretending to be more focused on long term commitment and a player male type will trick a women into sleeping with him by doing the same. So I get a false version of my girlfriend and she was only used by past men.
- Women are repulsed by weakness, so you should never show vulnerability or you will reduce your attractiveness.
- A woman's most valuable thing to give is sex. Not commitment, connection, time, love, but sex. So the sex those men got is more valuable than anything additional she could give me.
- The more sex a woman has, the less valuable they are.
- The idea of my child coming out of the same opening that other men have casually ejaculated into is horrifying.
Totally vile when I see it all written out like that - no wonder I'm having the issues I'm having. The toughest part is probably framing these things as subjective beliefs and not "natural, universal evolutionary truths" - otherwise it makes it impossible to argue with. Please verify that these beliefs are incorrect and insubstantial.
Thank you for your help - this is one of the most miserable things I've ever had to get through - to feel love along with such fear and repulsion constantly is completely maddening and depressing.
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