What are your family/parents like?

Emergency-Bedroom-73 · 2021-09-29T12:44:49+00:00

My dad. Overt Narc. Ultra conservative right winger. His mother, my grandma was the super predator Narc. She, age 29, baby trapped my grandpa , age 21, with my dad. And forbid my dad to see his own father for 50 years. Forbid me to see my own grandpa my entire life. I did manage to sneak up to Cincinnati when I was 19 years old to get one meeting with him, which may have saved my life.

I was, therefore, raised in the gynocracy on my father's side. Mother is a covert vulnerable narcissist co - dependent (diagnosed). Fake as F church lady. The super enabler. No boundaries. Primary operational methods are love bombing and toxic enmeshment. This was taught to me as "love". Don't you luv your family bro? My grandfather on her side died of alcoholism.

I was the family scapegoat. Emotional toilet for my mother. I had to process all the BS negative emotions of my family for 25+ years. I walked with a stoop in my teenage years and all my hair fell out by age 21 because of stress. My brother hates me and is basically a non functional alcoholic, unable to work.

Repeated partners were obviously Narcissists. Manipulative cold blooded killers. Not normal run of the mill women by any stretch. Black holes of ego and abuse. I was married for 7 months but I filed for divorce once I found out that my ex wife was totally obsessed with her college ex and was driving us in to debt by making repeated multi hour long distance calls to him months after we were married.

And still I fought on. Went no contact with family for 18 years in Asia. Found out I am INFJ, of course, the most reportedly psychopathically abused personality in the MBTI.

I did get physically attacked three times in Asia which led me to being a tough as nails self defense street fighter.

Came back from Asia like a flaming fireball and never looked back.

Carkudo · 2021-09-29T22:46:58+00:00

My mother married my father for his career and money prospects. He gave her that, but throughout all her life she felt she deserved a better man, so she abused him badly.

It made me really averse to provider marriages. I used to swear that I would rather die alone than get into one. Now that I'm older I've mellowed out to the idea, but honestly still shudder at the thought of ending up like my dad. The sadness in his eyes as he died slowly from that stroke haunts me.

tiposk · 2021-09-29T19:05:53+00:00

I can't accuse my parents of being bad at parenting or bad people. However, both of them came from traditional countries with a mask of superficial equality where law treats genders as equals, but society doesn't. As a result, I witnessed a subtle yet pervasive dynamic based on gender roles.

My father isn't particularly dominant, but my mother puts herself in a supportive role within the relationship. Despite being educated, her career stalled shortly after it began. My father became the provider and her career took a second place to taking care of me. Based on some of her comments, it looks that many of her decisions were accepted by her as part of womanhood.

My mother has a tough exterior and she can be strong in many situations. Nevertheless, she's not as confident professionally, and let some opportunities go because she didn't think she could make it. She admitted this herself. Although this isn't necessarily related to gender, it fueled the dynamic she had with my father. Depending on someone else for you most basic needs puts you in a secondary role.

I'm grateful to my mother for taking care of me, but I also wish she was a little more selfish at times and pursued her dreams. Children have a mother AND a father, so I find it incredibly unfair when childcare is automatically left to the mother.

My childhood wasn't a nightmare, but I had to unlearn certain habits a caught at home and it certainly affected my in my dating life down the road.

I kept thinking if I prove I’m a good woman and not here to engulf or disappoint him like his mother he will love me back. But the opposite happened. There is nothing I could ever do to spark genuine love from this man as he pathologically avoids vulnerability and closeness same as my parents.

The thing is, while we try to prove our worth to a wounded partner, this partner is trying to prove the opposite to avoid further pain. That's a great thing that you figured in out and left before getting involved further with him.

I told him I would marry him if he asked and wanted to move in (mega cringe, the woman should never be the pursuer it’s just embarrassing).

I disagree. There's nothing inherently wrong with women taking the initiative. The problem is when we push for affection from people who have clearly demonstrated that they're not interested in giving it to us. Men have the exact same problem when they pursue unavailable women or do so in an overly aggressive manner.

Justscrolling133 · 2021-09-30T03:39:37+00:00

My parents were exactly like yours. It was a very volatile household and us kids were always walking on egg shells so we didn’t set our mother off. This definitely carried on to my adult years, feeling responsible for everybody else’s emotions. They slightest sense of coldness or distance I would feel responsible and do whatever I can to fix the situation. Really made me an anxious person, mostly in relationships.

I did a lot of research in to attachment styles which stem from childhood and that really put a lot in to perspective for me. I used to always think if I acted a certain way, or bent over backwards for other people I could change how they felt about me or make them happier. But since learning about the anxious attachment style I’ve learned I need to address those issues within myself and how I perceive the world around me before I can have truely secure healthy relationships.

Now I’ve learnt that if my boyfriend wants a night off from staying together it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t mean he’s sick of me or wants to break up. So separating my emotions from situations has been an journey and conscious effort, but I’m getting there.

Acknowledging the impact your childhood has on who you are today is a first big step! Try checking out attachment styles and see if any of them relate ☺️

sweetlike314 · 2021-09-29T18:04:46+00:00

Me: adopted. Adoptive parents divorced and both remarried but never spoke ill of each other. I grew up with two well-functioning families who were extremely loving and did not fight or have any significant issues other than my adoptive dad’s original infidelity that led to the divorce. My mom was a bit of a helicopter and tiger mom but it helped push me when I needed it. I’ve had a mix of short and long relationships but with the exception of a couple that I exited ASAP, most were with decent and functional men. Ultimately I’m very content and secure with where/who I am.

My current LTR: he grew up with more of a troubled childhood where alcoholism led to a lot of verbal abuse etc. He had to work though some stuff early in life but had his sister as a good example (she is adamant to not fight in front of the kids and has a really heathy marriage). He is still skeptical of marriage and has struggled with some self loathing and depression but I feel like he has a lot of personal insight and our relationship has been extremely loving and conflict free. He’s really intelligent and we just “clicked” from day 1. Over the last 4 years he has become more confident, secure in himself and willing to accept the idea that I want a life with him.

ampfired · 2021-10-03T00:43:59+00:00

My father was an awful role model. Definitely has NPD, was not very masculine, was rarely emotionally present. He physically abused me from 3-4 until I hit him back when I was 17. He never stopped emotionally abusing me.

His mother (my grandmother) is quite narccissistic as well, though rarely mistreated me. My father was the least favourite child as the eldest, and I was given the same role (with the abuse far worse than my dad ever got) in my family. I suspect that my great-grandfather was the source of this. My dad would say shit like, "When I was a teenager, some idiot psychiatrist tried to convince me that my grandfather was abusing me." and "You're not depressed. Everyone wants to kill themselves as a teenager. I had a suicide plan too at your age." I was shortly thereafter diagnosed with depression and CPTSD.

My father is somewhat successful by the metrics of our late-stage capitalist society. Middle-class with a good job. But I use him as a model for the worst possible outcome of myself. Bigoted, hateful, narccissistic, miserable, spiteful, gluttonous, overweight, emasculated, desperate for attention, alone. I was on the path to becoming him only a few years ago. I am so thankful to everything that led me astray from that path, no matter what cost.

My mother is similar. She has some severe anxiety and obsessive-compulsive tendencies, probably OCPD. She lacks empathy but I don't think she is a full narccissist like my dad. I think that his emotional abuse probably made her how she is. He'd always start arguments with her when he was bored if I wasn't around. I was the punching bag, but I learned to avoid him and accepted that he is a bad person. She never did. I don't think that she has even now.

My mother began hitting me at age 3. Stopped when I was 16 and I accidentally threw her to the ground when she started hitting me. My dad still uses this to accuse me of "attacking [my] mother."

My childhood was awful. I never knew who to trust. I was constantly manipulated, gaslit, and lied to. I was dissociated and out of it all the time. I got bullied at school. My mother would scream at me for not being able to sleep at night due to nightmares of the abuse, waking up my father who would then come in and beat me. Back then, I initially blamed her for this. If only she could shut the fuck up, maybe he'd stop hitting me so much and we could all be happy. I'd of course blacked out the times during the day where he'd walk into my room, hit me with a random object a few times, and then walk out. Sometimes he'd start an argument first, but usually he'd just say nothing. I suspect that this is where I obtained the subconscious misogyny that primed for the red pill.

Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been devoid of love and affection. Like I am truly and completely alone, and always have been. Sometimes I worry that I always will be. I don't think that I've ever felt true happiness in my life.

TheRedPill preys on vulnerable young men with troubled backgrounds. It teaches us that we can substitute vulnerability and emotional intimacy with sex. Vulnerability has always gotten us hurt. Sex doesn't require that vulnerability. But if you're here, then you've already realized that all of that is a lie. Becoming a sociopathic, manipulative, emotionally-abusive, misogynistic sex addict will not solve your problems or make you happy. It will probably just get you sex with women who have zero self esteem and push everyone away before you can obtain real, vulnerable relationships.

So what were my parents like? My biological parents were godawful. And I never had any real parents. I turned to things like TRP to fill the void of a father figure. Now, I've turned to therapy, psychedelics, self-re-parenting, exercise, and meditation to help me heal. And as I heal, I am beginning to allow myself to become more vulnerable and create honest relationships and friendships. Recovery is the only way to dig ourselves out of these holes. So that is what we must do. Together.

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Title	What are your family/parents like?
Author	BiWomanHealing
Upvotes	9
Comments	11
Date	September 29, 2021 10:43 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/pxsqu3/what_are_your_familyparents_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/what-are-your-familyparents-like.1073604 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073604