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A demisexual is defined as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.” Thanks to Porn, the description of a normal healthy sexual bond is now a fringe sexual orientation instead of a given.

TheOGJammies

February 2, 2020

1266 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/exrnxk/a_demisexual_is_defined_as_a_person_who_does_not/

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Title	A demisexual is defined as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.” Thanks to Porn, the description of a normal healthy sexual bond is now a fringe sexual orientation instead of a given.
Author	TheOGJammies
Upvotes	1266
Comments	165
Date	February 2, 2020 5:22 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/exrnxk/a_demisexual_is_defined_as_a_person_who_does_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-demisexual-is-defined-as-a-person-who-does-not.683438 https://theredarchive.com/post/683438

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[–]rosapalmeraFDS Newbie298 points299 points300 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]TheMarbleSlabRuthless Strategist433 points434 points435 points 4 years ago (59 children) | Copy Link

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[–]FickleShame83 points84 points85 points 4 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]ivy176FDS Disciple11 points12 points13 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]FickleShame5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

He left me with lots of debt from supporting him and hit me etc.

Even an LVM has enough self respect not to treat their partner like a debt mule. Or committing assault. I wish I'd saved the Dr. Phil clip where he's talking about it because regardless of a woman's background he does isolate the problem with women who are trapped in abusive relationships; for whatever reason you lacked a positive father figure in your youth and as a result you never really built up that self esteem to the point that you can choose to simply ignore male affection from men you don't necessarily like.

In your adult life you have to be ruthless when it comes to bad fruit. Cut them from the tree, bad fruit will never lead to anything and simply drain resources from the fruit that might actually be worth something. You're not losing anything by dropping a relationship with a man who's casually abusive to you, being alone isn't actually the worst thing in life.

Boys and men are not owed your affection simply because they've taken an interest in you, you do not need their affection to be complete and self actualized.

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[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple47 points48 points49 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

“We’re talking.” You’re talking to a person? I talk to people all day. “No I mean we’re like talking. Like we’re hanging out.” So you’re friends. “No we do things...” You’re dating. “I mean not dating just like going out and doing things together and hanging out together and making out.” You’re dating. “No! We’re getting to know each other.” That’s dating.

I get it, the youngest adult-ish generation has always thought they invented whatever it is they’re doing. The problem is that now media exposure is trying to convince everyone that the youngest adult-ish generation actually DID invent everything. Don’t fall for the idea that just because it’s on Twitter it’s “real.”

Good lord, of COURSE attraction should grow with getting to know a person. That’s not pathological, it’s NORMAL and, in fact, a survival mechanism.

I think a lot of this also comes from a misunderstanding of “equality.” Men and women being social equals doesn’t mean we’re the SAME. Women shouldn’t be aspiring to be men (and vice versa). Being equal doesn’t mean everyone acts the same — lowest common denominator shouldn’t be the goal.

(Edit for mobile formatting.)

[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple19 points20 points21 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

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I don't label myself; I've never introduced myself as being "demi" or have "come out" as "demi" (that would be silly imo).

When I found people (on the internet) who were discussing their experiences of being "demisexual" (not my term) - it helped me to understand that there were more people that had such low libido (there weren't many around me).

And so I stopped feeling "less than" for things like not masturbating, not flirting, not feeling sexual arousal, not seeking sexual experiences, not watching porn, not feeling attracted to men's bodies at the pool, etc. So, it helped me - what else can I say. I don't wear a flag or a badge or anything like that.

It's good to hear more women feel like that. Before I really felt left out for not feeling sexual at all. Remember, the internet and groups like FDS bring together people who already feel and think along the same lines - there weren't any such people around me growing up, or they were also trying to "fit in".

Now I'm more mature and I've understood it doesn't really matter, but it did help me to feel less alone.

[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple16 points17 points18 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]30137509FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple11 points12 points13 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Actually i found that most were even LESS sexual than me. Most girls were pressured by their bfs (and then later shamed) into sexual activity they otherwise never would have thought to do it initiated on their own. I actually had one bf dump me for his ex because i was a Virgin and i wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, but she was willing to give it up because she thought it was the only way she could get male attention (since her face was disfigured). The only girls i knew who were extremely sexually active were psychologically damaged and thought it was the only way to get a boy to date them (which seemed to be the case since i was getting dumped for it), but i never gave in. I've also had several bfs try to rape me over the years because I'm not CONSTANTLY turned on and CONSTANTLY ready for sex. I can see how most women feel pressured to conform since literally all is society is telling them to be like men sexually. It used to be well understood in our culture that women were sexually choosey and that this was normal because women suffer most from sexual activity. I mean who gets turned on by the thought of "well condoms don't exist in this era, so if i have sex i may well die in child birth or be abandoned by a dead beat drunk. I better be careful."

Is natural for women to not go about their daily lives absolutely craving sex at every turn. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and probably knows nothing about female biology.

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I'm not the person you're replying to, but I'd identify as demi - although I'd actually prefer "asexual with an exception" or "single-target sexuality" because I've only ever been attracted to my SO. I think what people are often missing in these discussions isn't the sexual attraction part, but just how close to asexual demi people can feel. This series of blog posts describes many things that I feel on a regular basis (http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/). For example, I tend to be pretty interested in sex but more from a scientific curiosity perspective. Sex scenes in movies rarely make an impression to me, I may as well be watching an establishing shot telling me "this was filmed in San Francisco". I've wondered whether I was bi because I realized I felt pretty similarly about people regardless of gender, and those feelings never included sexual attraction. Hopefully you get the idea. I actually have a relatively high libido, but in the past I would have said it's directed at nothing (asexual orientation). My SO is an exception to this, but that does not change my lack of sexual attraction to others. Even in a relationship, I still relate more to other asexual people. Similarly to how a bisexual person might feel, I am annoyed that my orientation gets erased in a relationship.

[–]megharry_29 points30 points31 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]TheOGJammiesRuthless Strategist[S] 21 points22 points23 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–]-25TFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

The reason you can't agree is because "regular" women feel sexual attraction. They believe that since they need a common spark first to desire sex, that it's the same thing.

But they agreed to go on a date. They already had determined this man was at least attractive enough to give a chance. They don't understand that your eyes to others are like a 9yearold's; that 'attraction' isn't in your emotional comprehension. They also don't understand that just looking for the sexual spark doesn't work. Just spending enough dates to get close doesn't cause it either which is why they vet who to date. They may not trust him yet but they are attracted on some level and they equate them as synonymous and therefore synonymous to demi.

I try sometimes to help people understand, but it's often wasted effort. The word exists to describe how some asexuals' attraction works. It doesn't describe traditional trust bonding.

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Thank you. And of course! What I like and also find challenging about FDS is not everyone will agree 100%. But the basic message is always there, and a handful of black-and-white truths remain. One of those hard truths is this: ultimately, you deserve the best for you, and that includes not having to talk yourself into "tolerating" a previous dealbreaker or ignoring your intuition.

Many of us come off strong because a lot of hetero cis men have used p_rn and "k_nk" as excuses to use, abuse, or "vanilla/prude-shame." Women who really desire sex (in a consensual way that does not harm anyone) feel alienated at times, as the world is changing in good ways, and not so much in other ways. I really don't give a flying saucer what people identify as (trans, nonbinary, ace, etc.) because I don't see it harming anyone. If changing a name or label makes someone happy, it's so benign. It would be nonsensical to withhold it from someone IMO. I just don't like when people in power (usually hetero cis men) try to act "woke" and use whatever "trendy" labels/wokeness to pressure us into doing a sex act we would never want to do. It is a disservice to those who actually identify with the labels when fake-woke people use them to manipulate. Same with fake feminists and whatnot.

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As a mid-20s lady who is 100% not interested in sex or masturbation, has all physiology and hormones within norm, has not undergone any sexual trauma in the past, was raised in a household where diverse ideas were encouraged, and has been in a 2-year deep emotional relationship/engagement that never flicked the "I want to have sex with this handsome man" switch on - I have had a long problem with demisexuals and grayasexuals. They effectively took over the asexual community and made it about relationships with sex and gaining anti-discrimination rights (aka. $$$), and, at the least, pushed me out due to the nature of their conversations. I even joined the fringe Russian anti-sex crusaders for a while because I felt that I had nowhere to turn to. What's worse is that it made other people even less likely to believe a person that said that they did not want, and would not ever want sex whatsoever, because "you may be demisexual, you just haven't tried, haha!". No, I'm not. Please do not try to make me do something I do not want to do. It was absolutely world shattering and horrendous for me at 15 that people actually liked and wanted to have sex as a recreation - whether, like men, from first sight, or like women, after love has entered the picture.

I have learned one important lesson from this all, however. Using labels for sexuality (and most other things!) is bunk. It is better to use behavioral patterns, - actions. As I grew up and started interning in hospitals, patient surveys solidified this belief. Why? Most patient surveys do not ask for sexuality. They ask if the patient in question has performed certain sexual behaviors. It makes perfect sense. You would not use the label "shitter' for a person who has rice-water stools 10x/day accompanied by cramping and vomiting - it does not encompass all the important information that the latter half provides!

Again, I have had a long dislike for those who call themselves demisexual or grayaces, but I feel bad that a group of essentially average people were made to feel like freaks. The porn theory is a very good one.

EDIT: fixed a word, added an idea that I forgot

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[–]randomgirlimokFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you!! I’ve never had a one night stand and now that I’m single after a long time of being married, I thought there was something wrong with me bc I cannot go on a date with a literal stranger from tinder and feel attraction. I cannot eat dinner with a stranger and be kissing them 2 hours later, much less have sex. And now they’re calling it demisexual bc not having one night stands is no longer the norm. I’ve read about guys online saying to avoid anyone with demisexual in their dating profile bc they want easy sex. Online dating has turned into nothing but free prostitution.

Any guy who wants a REAL relationship should want a gf who is demisexual and will only want to have sex with him. I’m not asexual though, I want to have lots of sex with the person I’m attracted to. I’m just not attracted to a literal body walking by that I don’t know.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]SnowlampFDS Newbie-1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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