Are there “degrees to pickmeism?”

Diamond_fairy · 2021-01-08T19:12:00+00:00

Although FDS handbook gives us pretty much all the tools to be free from the little creepy inner pickme that has been probably installed into us since we were young, in reality it could be dangerous to ever consider ourselves above the odds of failing back into pickme behavior: leveling up is a lifelong journey, a mindset, a distinctive trait of any HVW.

I see that everyone strives for constant improvement, not for a sudden perfect change, which means that some of us will be ahead in their journey, while others have it harder due to past trauma and personal things that sometimes need to be addressed with therapy.

Also, the emotional bond that relationships create just make it harder to stay woke and alert against everything, which means that there can be slips and mistakes.

So yes, I think it's not inherently wrong to put degrees on pickmeism, but it's also worth reminding that it's how we respond to our pickme traits that makes the difference.

FDS teaches us to recognize them and take action, pickmes™️ won't take criticism and will bend over backwards to defend the worst doormat behavior because "men have feelings too" and will just proceed to put themselves last.

There's women literally afraid to say no to men, because they've been conditioned to. Any FDS disciple would work on it, a pickme would willingly go through heartbreaking pain in total confusion.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-01-08T19:23:18+00:00

I see it all the time even on this sub. Women post about things that they think are good that are still ingrained catering to men, even if they’re not as pickme-ish as some. And not to say that I’m perfect, I constantly am evaluating my choices and reactions to everything to dissect why I did what I did and how it still subconsciously included bs patriarchal yielding that I don’t want to repeat next time (downside of being a psych major, I analyze everything 😩). It’s really hard to unwind how much of everything is programming from decades spent growing up in the machine

It’s my main issue with “choice feminism”. Sure, it’s theoretically empowering if we choose to do things like have sex etc. But it’s nearly impossible for us to separate upbringing and brainwashing from “choice”, especially at a young age (like under 40-50). I’m 32 and still changing drastically in what I “choose” and still trying to unwork why I make those choices, and I was lucky enough to grow up in a family that wasn’t super patriarchal. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for women who grow up in straight up brainwashing traditional households or cultures.

yolosunshine · 2021-01-08T18:51:57+00:00

Yes, just like degrees of racism.

People think they aren’t racist just because they’re not burning crosses or using slurs.

But scratch the surface about their unconscious stereotypes, cultural models, and reactions to situations and....how’d that get there?

Pickmeishaism is the same.

As women we have to unlearn it even if we were lucky enough to not grow up steeped in it.

Because the LVM won’t as it benefits them. 😂

temproaryusername · 2021-01-08T19:38:33+00:00

Of course. I thought I was a strong feminist before FDS; and I was.... except in relationships.

Outside of the house, I made my own money, my own rules, I was loud, I was aggressive, I was demanding, I was confident, and I laughed in the face of men who tried to tear me down. I regaled people at parties with my "this is how I fucked the patriarchy today" stories. People came to me constantly and told me how much they admired me for my strength and male bosses would say I wasnt like "other women" 🙄

Inside the house however, I kowtowed to men, took their advice (even virtual strangers) for my personal life above my own and above other women's, I was sexually subservient and promiscuous in order to win male approval, I obsessed over my appearance and how to be more appealing to men, inerternally my entire life goal was to get married, I competed with and tore down other women.... the list shamefully goes on.

And if it wasn't for FDS, I may still be that person. Thats why I get afraid when people say FDS may get banned. How can an organization that has so successfully saved so many lives be so hated? I dont agree with everything on here; I'm a Christian and I don't agree with every single thing I've heard in church either. But I do not deny how much power FDS has imbued me with, and how drastically its forced me to reckon with how I was living my life.

lilneccowafer · 2021-01-08T18:36:49+00:00

I feel this. Internalized misogyny is almost impossible to get rid of, especially when society is gaslighting you constantly. Patriarchy exists no matter how hard we work internally. There are even lesbian/bi relationships affected by pickmeism and centering men, even if no men exist in the relationship dynamic. It's seemingly inescapable, a daily effort. If this is what she's saying I definitely get it, and agree, there are degrees to it

ferociouslycurious · 2021-01-08T19:23:07+00:00

Yes. There are. I have been moving on the spectrum gradually over the years. I was a horrible pickme at first. With age I’ve moved towards less so. At the moment I might be more extreme anti-pick me. Like still wearing my wedding band as a stay-away signal, and anti-evil talisman.

myousername · 2021-01-08T19:54:00+00:00

I feel this. Especially since I was raised by narcissistic parents, I find that whenever I'm around men I tend to police my own behavior and try not to make them "mad" or horny or whatever

Sigh.

So I just avoid men altogether 😊

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-01-08T20:46:05+00:00

So if you date a man that paints his nails and calls himself 'they' you suddenly don't do pickme shit? Bullshit. I can't roll my eyes harder at this post.

Historywillabsolvem3 · 2021-01-09T00:42:25+00:00

Yes there are degrees. Surer than anything that there’s women even on here that will say dump him queen in a heartbeat but when it’s their own lives, it’s just too difficult to let go of that not quite perfect but kind and stable boyfriend.

The sad part of it is that you can level up and develop your mindset but real life can be a different thing entirely. We’re conditioned to think we’ll be miserable and lonely without a man and it takes years of unlearning that. So whilst it’s a little easier to, say, be less accommodating to a male colleague, there’s plenty women that will make excuses for their man.

The actual truth is that 99% of us would be happier without men in our lives but the reality of that is daunting for us to accept.

oscine23 · 2021-01-09T08:37:35+00:00

I'm dating someone new for 5 months now and every day I'm checking in with myself to make sure I'm not doing any fk shit, that I'm not slipping, or shifting my boundaries in any way. You gotta check in with yourself, ladies...just to be sure.

2021-01-08T23:30:52+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Are there “degrees to pickmeism?”
Author	Bluemonroe26
Upvotes	272
Comments	29
Date	January 8, 2021 6:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kt8hap/are_there_degrees_to_pickmeism/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/are-there-degrees-to-pickmeism.735284 https://theredarchive.com/post/735284