Assume Every Man You Meet is a Narcissist

I created a new account because my post history was a scrote magnet and I only intend to use Reddit for this sub going forward.

A word of advice: Assume every man you interact with is a narcissist until proven otherwise through rigorous observation and evaluation. You MUST take your time.

The narcissistic cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard have been discussed here before. However, what is often overlooked is the gendered nature of this condition and its more extreme iteration: Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Megalomania. Plenty of research shows that both conditions affect men more than women; lower estimates say 50-75%, higher estimates say it’s closer to 90% of people with these conditions are men. A bit of narcissism is necessary for healthy self-esteem, but it becomes a problem when there is a pattern of abuse/injury to others.

The nature vs nurture debate is ongoing, but we do know that environment is a major contributor. Patriarchal societies foster narcissism in boys and empathy in girls. Online dating, porn positive culture, and liberal feminism provides easy “supply” or “fuel” for a man who isn’t even inclined to be narcissistic. Yes, women may have an easier time “matching” but the very act of swiping/dismissing after glancing at a profile for 3 seconds is a psychologically powerful boost to someone with underlying narcissistic tendencies. And research already shows that women are far more likely to actually read the damn profile before swiping than men.

Some national and ethnic cultures are more inclined to foster narcissism in boys than others, but this research is controversial and haughtily debated. All I’ll say is: if the word “pimp” was ever used as a compliment in your environment, we probably share cultural origins and you are at greater risk for running into narcissistic men. If your culture is described as “macho”, “machismo”, and hypermasculine, you are too. I don’t care what research says, I’ve lived it and I’ll be discussing this more some other time. Not all narcissists realize what they are, or even set out to be malicious. They simply don’t have the capacity to care. And you shouldn’t care either way. If their behavior is a risk to you, the “why” doesn’t matter. That goes for any problem a man might have.

So, what compelled me to write this?

Once upon a time I reacted badly to a discard. My roommate begged me not to react. She tried to explain what he was. That he wasn’t even a “he”: he was an “It.” That ANY reaction is too much of a reaction, and would only fuel his ego. She promised me that it wasn’t personal, he would do it again, and his existence is his punishment enough.

I didn’t get it. I didn’t listen. I also didn’t like the idea of pathologizing bad behavior. Giving his behavior a “diagnosis”, in my opinion, absolved him of fault. Obviously, this is not true, but that’s how I rationalized things. I was reeling and reacted with emotion, not logic, and wanted to strike back.

Like the good sis said, it backfired spectacularly. She asked if I had enough. Nope, not for me. I still didn’t understand. So, I decided to watch the entire thing unfold via his new supply’s instagram. I didn’t even care that they knew I was watching (as did his friends, who I also watched). Yeah, you can call me crazy, whatever. The new supply meticulously documented her memified thoughts over the course of a few weeks (even dedicating a few posts to me). And just as my friend said, the idealization, devalue, and discard happened. I was shocked. I was even more shocked by how quickly it all happened. Do people really do this to other people? How? Why? Have they no shame? Empathy? I’ve been dumped before, but that guy was a class act! I was able to watch this process as a third party, and I actually felt sorry for the whole fiasco after I studied it like a pre-med the week before the MCAT.

I logged off and didn’t look back. I was less hurt and more fascinated. But my roommate, bless her, had to ask: why did I need to see proof It was a narcissist? Why didn’t I trust that my experience was proof enough? Would I want to date a different guy if I knew he behaved like that in the past? Of course not! She didn’t want me looking for proof because it might never come. Also, Its knowledge that I was watching was just more narcissistic fuel. I was literally feeding the troll. I was literally giving It the opportunity to frame Its behavior in a way that justified the narcissism with evidence. I felt more like shit for that then putting myself in the position to be fuel. However, my study of this topic since then (along with this sub) has been so illuminating I felt compelled to share a few points:

1. Emotions lie. Yes, you feel hurt, joy, pain, and they feel incredibly real. However, they are not always grounded in reality. More often than not they are irrational, especially if you are not balanced in your sense of self. Strategic dating requires you to put logic first and to ALWAYS bet on yourself. If I were being logical, this person and I were incompatible from the start. Those are things I ignored for a variety of *emotional* reasons, and I paid an *emotional* price. He got high grade, premium fuel for his Ford Pinto and he was able to brag about that.
2. Talk is cheap. A narcissist in the idealization stage will easily convince you that he is whatever you need him to be. Only time and close observation can be trusted. See how he behaves when you have a true disagreement or problem. I’m not talking about cutesy banter about which ice-cream flavor is better. See what happens when the newness/idealization wears off.
3. Have you watched the Netflix documentary called Pick of the Litter? It chronicles the selection process for service dogs. All of those gorgeous Labrador puppies getting dropped from the program (they call it “career changed” lol) left and right for the littlest reasons. As an emotional person I felt bad for them, but being a service animal is an important job. Someone’s well-being is on the line. They can’t keep the dogs in the program just cuz they’re cute. Who you marry and who fathers your children (should you decide to do these things) are two of the most important decisions a woman can make. Treat the evaluation process accordingly. Career change these fools if you have to! Logic over emotion.
4. Modern dating culture encourages objectification, and you must actively work against this. As FDS tells us, the majority of men are simply not for you. Some of those men are actually dangerous to you. Do not underestimate this fact. I’m not saying walk around in fear, I’m saying evaluate each potential partner like you are aware of this risk.
5. As Jammies mentioned, sex is just riskier for women and should be had with caution. No need to rehash the reasons she outlined; there simply is no debate. Yes, women love sex too. We also love cake, but I don’t have to explain to ya’ll why you can’t eat cake every damn day! Even if you aren’t worried about your weight, no adult seeking a healthy, balanced life is going for the German Chocolate slice every morning.
6. Even if you haven’t experienced a narcissist personality yet, you WILL run into one. I suggest reading and listening up on who they are and how they operate. I love Dr. Ramani’s youtube channel, as well as the youtube channel/website of HG Tudor. HG Tudor is a high-level narcissist with insight. This means he is actually aware of his condition and how he functions. His voice is creepy but he offers a perspective that I haven’t heard a single psychologist or mental health professional explain with his level of precision. I really recommend listening to him. It’s hard to accept some of the things he says; it’s hurtful and impersonal. It may even reopen old wounds. But you will eventually be grateful for the perspective because the condition IS impersonal.

It’s really not about you. From the idealization to the discard, it was never about you. It was never real. In case you’re wondering how to avoid becoming narcissistic supply/fuel, this sub has already laid out most of the critical points, so once you’ve gone through the handbook take a look at the channels I’ve mentioned above.

I hope this helps somebody.