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Be a HVM in All Aspects of Life

Dont_Settle_for_Less
June 2, 2020
4419 upvotes
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy
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Title Be a HVM in All Aspects of Life
Author Dont_Settle_for_Less
Upvotes 4419
Comments 66
Date June 2, 2020 9:41 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/be-a-hvm-in-all-aspects-of-life.674632
https://theredarchive.com/post/674632
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gv4ahu/be_a_hvm_in_all_aspects_of_life/
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Comments

[–]IcriEveryTime2000FDS Newbie100 points101 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

This might sound bad but now if I get interrupted by a dude I just interrupt him right back...🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]LateNightLattes01FDS Newbie53 points54 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Naw- do it girl!
I do the same thing- as annoyingly and relentlessly as possible. And I will talk louder too. If that doesn’t work, I’ve been known to tap on the offending male’s shoulder and say “excuse you- very rude of you.”
And one time I clapped loudly and said in a very loud voice “YOU INTERRUPTED ME- I WASNT FINISHED STOP INTERRUPTING!”
Granted I only did that once, and other times I have hadn’t the mental energy for that “battle”, but it’s worth it. The more we do it- the better.

[–]IcriEveryTime2000FDS Newbie22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A good “AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS INTERRUPTED ABRUPTLY” Definitely does the job! I am really happy I’m not the only one !!

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm still probably considered a clown by this subs standards but I have a bad habit of just continuing to talk when people interrupt me. Men especially are usually so shocked that I didn't immediately shut up that they stop talking lol. At work I can get away with clapping may hands together above my head because it's established that the men in my department have short attention spans and I'm usually right. Wish it could be like that everywhere

[–]IcriEveryTime2000FDS Newbie5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right they really get caught off guard!! I’m glad I’m not the only one!

[–]just_takin_the_dFDS Apprentice7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I grew up where it was ingrained in my soul to only have one person talking. So if I was interrupted, I would have to stop talking. My bro in law and sister are really bad at interrupting me at family gatherings, to keep the narrative on themselves. I've been working on continuing talking through it and making them look like self-absorbed idiots in the process. What helps is by maintaining eye contact with the interrupter and establishing dominance that "I am speaking".

I think this practice has helped me not get so interrupted in a professional setting. But there's always room for improvement.

[–]IcriEveryTime2000FDS Newbie1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was raised this way too!! It took a while of being quiet and waiting for someone else to speak until I finally got tired of them thinking what they had to say was just so much more important than what I was saying that they couldn’t wait a couple seconds. I’m a history major and my classes are predominantly male (middle ages for that matter) and they really have some audacity and that really got me there. I hope you continue being heard!

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's how you gotta do it though

[–]madamejesaistoutFDS Newbie120 points121 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I will always remember a moment in one of my college freshman classes when a male student interrupted another student, apologized, then kept talking. The professor said, "Wait a minute, and when you recognize that you interrupted someone, you don't keep talking. You let the other person finish."

Now I always notice when someone keeps talking after interrupting someone.

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh nice! Wish my old professors were like that. I'm not sure if there's something about it being the Australian culture or just that university, but women get talked over all the time!

[–]Elisa_LaViudaNegraFDS Newbie227 points228 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Have you all noticed that men key into when they interrupt each other IMMEDIATELY and apologize right away, but it doesn’t even register when they interrupt or talk over us? Like their ears don’t even pick up on our voices? (Well, we know they do, they just don’t respect our voices the way they respect each others’)

[–]Gaki-fan-too106 points107 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Men don’t respect women the way they respect other men.

When men respect women, he’s accused of doing so to get sex. When a man respects another man, he’s obviously not doing it to get laid.

So therefore real respect is saved for other men, not women.

I don’t know how true this is, it’s just something I’ve read.

[–]QuodpotFDS Newbie6 points7 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Do you have any of the philosopher's names? I'm interested to read more

[–]Gaki-fan-too30 points31 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can’t seem to find it.

It was something along the lines of men’s homoerotic tendency in history. Like they save their love and respect for other men and see women as only good for baby-making.

[–]WriothesleyFDS Newbie7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think it's Marilyn Frye, check this out:

https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/ey87br/heterosexual_male_culture/

[–]Gaki-fan-too0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for that. I mistakenly thought a philosopher wrote that.

[–]WriothesleyFDS Newbie4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No no, you are right - Marilyn Frye is a philosopher and theorist. I was just linking to a reddit post where someone quoted part of her work that discusses the concept you mentioned.

[–]Gaki-fan-too1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh awesome. Yay 😃

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, it's stupid and annoying but also why we need more male allies since they are still half the damn population. Plus, they are more likely to listen to and respect each other's opinions

[–]BovvsetteFDS Disciple17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right? It's like they only hear low-frequency sound waves and everything else is white noise. So annoying. Shows how primal they are, if all they are listening for are roars and thunder.

That's why a perceptive man, who's aware of women and their struggle is so quick to spark interest, respect and appreciation. He's more evolved than a caveman and that puts him leagues above others instantly.

[–]LondonDaPinkFDS Newbie6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think there was a study done that actually proved this to be true. Which is why they have a tendency to speak over us. I have had a couple former male friends who would mansplain me constantly, especially on issues that directly affect black people, while they are white and have no idea what they're talking about. It's frustrating and kind of soul crushing being spoken to like you're a child. :/

[–]Gaki-fan-too64 points65 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I wonder how men feel when they get called out like that?

[–]--wellDAM--FDS Apprentice81 points82 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Okay as long as it’s another man calling them out and not a vagina.

[–]Gaki-fan-too33 points34 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I feel like they get embarrassed or low-key angry when another man doesn’t follow the “bro-code”.

Not saying interrupting women is “bro-code” but like.....certain things I think men feel like they should be able to do without consequences.

[–]--wellDAM--FDS Apprentice16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Mes think they can do every thing with out consequence.

[–]Gaki-fan-too5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well..... we'll always have men on our side, they're just rare.

[–]meecy166FDS Apprentice158 points159 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I have a classmate that does this to me, I’m just waiting on the right time to explode on him, I’m The kind of person that lets things slide till I explode. The stupid fucker always mansplains me, everything I say he’ll try to explain why it isn’t so, ugh

[–][deleted] 193 points194 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Dont wait until you explode, this will feed into the stereotypical expectations these men will have of you. Next time he does it speak over him calmly and firmly. Say "I haven't finished what I'm saying, so you're gonna have to hold on until I have.", and continue what you were saying. You will feel a lot more empowered than you would if you lose your cool. You have every right to speak, he is being rude.

[–]meecy166FDS Apprentice53 points54 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I loathe him, even online discussion this fucker would purposefully pick my discussion to disagree with. He mostly does it when I’ve finished speaking to mansplain me. It’s a majority women course, so he interrupts the ladies when they speak, he grinds my gear

[–]divorcing-insecurityFDS Newbie66 points67 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like a really insecure and immature boy.

Edit: I deliberately use 'boy' instead of man to show how weird the interchangeable use of 'girl' and 'woman' is

[–]nopuedeser818FDS Newbie5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dont wait until you explode, this will feed into the stereotypical expectations these men will have of you.

I agree with this. Don't let this kind of thing fester. Speak up early. Be polite, but have it on record that you spoke up. Then the scrotes can't come back later and say, "But you didn't say anything all this time, I guess it wasn't that bad." Trust me, that IS what they will say. They will find a way to blame you anyway, but if you speak up early that's one less thing they can use against you.

Besides, I kind of hate this. "I will wait and wait and wait and watch someone do something shitty over and over and suffer in silence all the time." That doesn't make you a martyr. That doesn't make you better. It just means that you suffered longer than you needed to.

[–]CorporalWotjekFDS Newbie2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

^ For anyone reading, time to reclaim the conversation is of the essence. “I’m not done speaking, don’t interrupt me,” is more to-the-point, and more authoritative to boot. Be wary of such subconscious kneecapping of your sentences like these.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You can say it how you like, so long as the message is clear. I prefer to speak in a relaxed but firm manner. I'm a business owner who employs many men and women. I didnt get where I am by kneecapping anything.

[–]CorporalWotjekFDS Newbie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fair. My advice was geared at women who are just beginning to speak up for themselves.

[–]ForkinshrdrPickmeisha™️15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s called passive-aggressiveness which unfortunately many women have learned to adopt not necessarily because of how they were raised or socialized but they get into the world and realize that people dislike strong vocal women.

There are lots of YouTube videos on speaking powerfully as a woman and the more you practice the better you get. It’s really a matter of practicing asserting boundaries which is useful for all but especially women. He’s not even your colleague just some low bar loser. I would stand up physically, take a pause, and firmly correct him. He needs it.

[–]Digital_Native_2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Can you give an example of his mansplaining to me. I'm old and completely ignorant of what this means. So, can you ELI50?

[–]meecy166FDS Apprentice2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Mansplaining is when a man dismisses your opinions and tries to argue that your opinion is wrong, like I’ll say something like the exams are hard to my professor, and the idiot will say that he doesn’t think the exams are hard, they are very easy and good for us. Luckily my female professor took my side and she agreed with me that the exams were hard but she doesn’t make them, she was asking us what we found difficult In the class, I kept my mouth shut when he said textbooks, but he decided to mansplain me. Another time was when I said cellphones distract me in class, the idiot proceeded to mansplain me and talk about how cellphones help him a lot in class and they are best in class... no one asked him though, not even me. Other examples of this too

[–]TsunderePeopleRulesFDS Newbie3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

:(

[–]InayahDaneenFDS Newbie28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Some guys pretend to be courteous in public, so I have tough time trusting them unless I know he’s just as courteous at home.

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, that's so hard to figure out though

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

When men drone on men are ok with it, if a woman even says a word men are like "hey, you're talking too much" it's fucking crazy. Women don't actually talk more than men, we talk less, but we're perceived as talking more than men when we say half of what they say.

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yup, I recently saw an article that says men actually talk more than women. The stereotype is just there to try and shut us up

[–]sallyjrwFDS Newbie2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I totally agree

[–]srkambbs1FDS Newbie34 points35 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If I'm interrupted, I will say "let me finish" and finish what I say. If I interrupt someone, I will apologise and let them finish after. This is common decency regardless of gender and I work in a very male dominated industry

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Argh, I can't even imagine. Thank good I work in a more female environment or I will be pissed most of the time

[–]srkambbs1FDS Newbie-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my experience, everyone at my work is pretty chill regardless of gender.

[–]radical__daphneRuthless Strategist5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The least he could do.

[–]saydeesaltFDS Newbie1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would keel over if a man did this at my last job. So frustrating to be interrupted and then the men do their good ol boys laughing and joking for 5 minutes afterwards

[–]grrl_in_nycFDS Newbie1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Almost all of the places I've worked at I've seen a pattern of everyone interrupting everyone else but in particular it is men in power. They do not like to be challenged on it, and some use a smokescreen as a decoy - there's a lot of 'I realize I'm just interrupting and talking over everyone, HAHAH' rather than, you know, not interrupting in the first place. Had multiple occasions at work with men in particular who don't have a problem interrupting because they don't see value in other people's conversations.

I was in a group once where a guy continually interrupted me. I put my hand up and said, "let me finish' very slowly and that shut him up. I don't advise that for everyone, but honestly, learning how to make and share space for others (including their words) is a Human 101 kind of pattern that is essential if you share a planet.

[–]TinyBlkShrvldHeart0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What an assertive and empowering interlude. I’m going to add this to my toolbox because I think it would be just as badass, if not more, woman to woman. Thanks for posting.

[–]friends-waffles-work0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a woman manager at my work who always does this and I love it. Unfortunately I've never heard it come from one of the men!

[–]lalehmorettiThrowaway Account0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My boss and male coworkers do this to me all the time. When they start to talk over me, Now I just say to them, “Please let me land my point” and I continue talking over them too until they shut up. They continue to do this. I’m a woman. I must be heard.

[–]ForkinshrdrPickmeisha™️0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

And why can’t this woman say the same thing for herself? Women will not make progress as a whole until they start making progress. You don’t cower in a meeting. All you have to say is “I like what you’re saying but to finish my point before you continue.” That is, If you want to be “soft” about it and not make men cry or other women in the meeting who hold self defeating views of themselves flinch at your strength.

You could just slightly raise your voice and keep talking until the man interrupting realizes you aren’t finished which is actually a great strategy and they usually will shut up and look stupid for being rude.

[–]Dont_Settle_for_LessFDS Newbie[S] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

While I advocate for women to stand their ground and speak for themselves, not all women find it easy. It's always good to find an ally who understands that the society tends to gloss over a woman's opinions and have your back.

The admirable thing is that man may not have this experience himself but he has enough awareness and sympathy to help out when needed.

[–]ForkinshrdrPickmeisha™️0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

True but sometimes you just have to get over your fear, life is not “easy” and sometimes decisions may be momentarily painful, uncomfortable, or challenging but that’s how you gain your power in finding your voice to move past fear. People aren’t going to respect passiveness and once you lose respect it’s very hard to get it back. The earlier in life you get this then you can have more control over circumstances.

[–]ForkinshrdrPickmeisha™️-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And FDS shouldn’t just apply to dating men but interacting with them as equals and the adults we are in every part of our lives.

[–]junesunflowerFDS Newbie7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That’s easier said than done when you have to get along with these people for your career you to succeed.

[–]Wiggy_BopFDS Newbie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Marry him.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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