~ archived since 2018 ~

Boundaries are for you to be protected

January 25, 2021
341 upvotes

Today I was being made fun of on an online forum for my hobbies. Whilst it was light hearted, my heart twisted with every “joke”. So I left.

I just left.

My inbox was filled with apologies for me to come back online and join the forum. While they seemed nice, I stuck to my boundary and left. I went on YouTube and did something else that made me happy. And oh I feel so well looked after.

I know if in the moment I went back, it teaches people they are can overstep my boundaries and i will always come back. They won’t respect me if i don’t respect myself. I may seem “sensitive” or “extreme”. Some of the responses were “we were only joking”, “it was just for your reaction”. These are not okay.

I remind myself that I don’t have to socialise in an environment that makes me feel belittled or unwelcome. I reminded myself that there is no law for what boundaries are too extreme or not. A boundary is a boundary. I don’t have to stay out of politeness if I am not enjoying the company. I don’t have to tolerate shit.

I’m becoming less socially polite and more protective of myself.

I hope this helps others remember to establish boundaries

Edit: spelling

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[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Apprentice101 points102 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

So proud of you. Even online sticking to your boundaries is about protecting yourself, mental health included. It took me a long time to find people online who actually cared about each other and show genuine respect, empathy, and interest. They exist, it’s just hard to locate sometimes. I consider FDS one of my safe havens.

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you, FDS is a life a changer even in non dating situations. I am glad to hear you have people online who are safe and considerate

[–]ImaginsanionFDS Newbie18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Definately. I have officially sworn off men for the rest of my life but i still come back here for the strong positive women. I need that in my life.

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Have you found it hard to avoid practitioners who are men? I too am trying to avoid men (it’s a lot harder than what it seems)

I am in the midst of finding a new therapist and my doctor who is a woman gave me a list and there is only one therapist who is a woman but costs three times as much as the therapists who are men. Time to do some self research

[–]ImaginsanionFDS Newbie6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have had to deal with men on occasion at work and i just avoid looking at them as much as possible and deadpan myself.

[–]Angeli_33FDS Newbie52 points53 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Okay, I'll say this. One thing I have learned over time is that how people feel on the inside will manifest itself on the outside. A jealous person will not know that they are being jealous because if they did, they would stop being jealous. The same goes for someone being self-absorbed, egotistical, narcisstics, a know-it-all, lazy, etc. When you see those traits in yourself, you cease to be that. Most people are unaware of their individual traits. Nobody want to be identified with negative traits. If they knew they were being an unbearable person to be around, they wouldn't be the unbearable person.

It's not easy to be self-aware. It takes yearsss of determination and dedication to become a better human being. It's difficult to undo years of toxic programming from your environment. For instance, I used to be a shitty friend in Middle School. When I noticed the pattern that people didn't like hanging around me for long, I turned the mirror on myself and realized I was the problem all along. But it's okay, none of us are born perfect.

Now, those people who hurt you, hurt you. It's simple. It already manifested itself. It was no joke. It was real. But their image of themselves isn't "being the asshole". They think they are well-meaning, kind-hearted individuals, just like most of us like to see ourselves in that way. So when you displayed your disapproval, they came out with the apologies just so everything could go back to how it was and they didn't have to think about it for too long. They don't want there to be consequences because that might indicate that they did in fact do something wrong. You levaing permanently is a consequence of their actions. So now they have to troubleshoot their minds because it contains an error and they want to avoid these things in the future. That takes effort. The mind does not like effort.

When people show you who they are, believe them, (Maya Angelou) even if they don't believe themselves and try to convince you with words that they are decent human beings.

And lastly, it is your right if you choose not to forgive someone. You are not obligated to forgive those who have hurt you.

Edit: Spelling

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great point of insight. Thank you for commenting this. I hope they did realise that some of their jokes can be quite hurtful. They are fun to talk too but it isn’t an excuse for their mean behaviour.

I wish i could save this comment but screenshots work for now! thank you

[–]bluebird_wingsFDS Newbie34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great job on having boundaries and holding them up.

Great job on taking care of yourself and refusing to let others bring you down.

Thank you for sharing your strength!

[–]SaitschikFDS Disciple21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Very well done. Jokes on other people expenses are a form of abuse/bullying imo.

You don't have to laugh along with things that hurt you, excellent that you just left and protected yourself. That's how it should be.

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great comment. I am writing this down especially the line “you don’t have to laugh along with things that hurt you”!

[–]biggestsighFDS Newbie18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m becoming less socially polite and more protective of myself.

I think the etiquette for a situation like this would be to remove yourself from the situation. They were the ones who were being rude.

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Completely

[–]Only_Lime2520FDS Newbie15 points16 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

May I ask if you felt sad afterward? If you did, how did you deal with it? For me it's as if the moment I stand up for myself and acknowledge their behaviors are harmful to me, I have to also acknowledge the fact that I have no one.
It's super hard for let go of connections for this reason.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I have this problem too! It’s like once I’ve set a boundary I get a rush and feel great, but it very quickly wears off and then I feel like I overreacted and am just being too emotional or something. Like it wasn’t that big a deal and I should let it go since the relationship is more important.

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Putting myself out and doing my hobbies is something I struggle with due to my depression. So being made of fun online, I knew will only feed my illness. So I took myself out of the situation to protect my self. It was a boundary and they crossed it. So I am allowed to do what ever I need to do (safely of course) to bring myself back to a place of safety and comfort.

I did felt more sad about being perceived as “sensitive” or “extreme” or a “crybaby who can’t take a joke”. I also felt upset for being made fun of for doing the hobbies that bring me joy. I was sad that I might have hurt my connections online due to my feelings. That I was being “extreme”. I didn’t want to be the person who you have to tread on eggshells. However I do want to be the person that u know where the line is in terms of jokes and borderline online bullying (that might be an extreme term I am not sure)

But then I realised having boundaries and respect is important of any connection and if the person isn’t respecting that you can leave. I may join back in the future or some other forums. Friendships and connections are built on trust and respect. If you have no respect for yourself, no one else will respect you.

I was upset but I went and watched funny cat videos and gave my best friend a call and we talked about different skin care products and anime ☺️ I felt better and more proud of looking after myself

[–]Unfit_NeedleworkerFDS Newbie9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for this reminder today. ♥️

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

💗

[–]Platipus6FDS Apprentice7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

People out themselves when they use flattery to get you back instead of an apology. Yes, thank you, I know I'm good at xyz. But what they're saying is "come back because we enjoy bullying you, don't take our fun away"

No thank you.

[–]Suspicious-Leg-1407FDS Apprentice12 points13 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I think a good defense is to lie.

I don't tell people about my more arcane hobbies... they don't need to know and I don't need the judgement.

I actually enjoy lying about it sometimes. In executive business, there are "in-group" hobbies, like gd tennis and running and golf. I use gardening and cooking (but oh no not baking) as mine.

I can spin a tale about gourmet cooking like no one's business.

Why lie? You gotta play the game to win it. All that bullshit about bringing your authentic self to work is horseshit.

[–]burpleseaurchinFDS Newbie8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most people will take issue at the word "lying" but really you're just lying by omission here most of the time. This is basically advice which is nearly identical in practice to "don't tell men about past abuse/trauma". As someone who definitely had "weird" hobbies growing up, avoiding talking about your weird side can be important for fitting in.

Kind of curious about the telling stories thing though. I think that's totally justified in a business setting because in general men's hobbies aren't looked down on so it's already unfair. It's also stupid how people will judge you based on those things, which you would hope is irrelevant. My worry though is I would just have trouble remembering what I've said to who, but maybe in those settings they wouldn't remember either.

[–]GourmayFDS Apprentice5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Good for you! My new flatmates used a weekend I was away right before Christmas to put my things in garbage bags because they don’t like that I decorated the place I’ve maintained and lived in for three years. I realized that I don’t have to justify or keep interacting with people like that so I decided to block them and have no communication with them, they’re big mad and I feel great :) you’re absolutely right that you can place whatever boundary you want!

[–]spiderunderwebFDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s awful, I’m sorry to hear that you went through that. Glad you have blocked them!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Excellent! I absolutely love this, and I do this myself as well. I don’t care what other people think it’s OK or a joke or whatever. If I said I don’t want to be made fun of, or insulted, or to hear triggering topic’s brought up in front of me, then that’s it. If they don’t respect that, they are out.

I protect myself. Fuck everybody else.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great job for not going back. Being sensitive or emotional is subjective, that's why you do whatever you want to do.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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