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Bullied for being a FDS-er. How do you react to this ?

June 16, 2021
142 upvotes

So I have a female at work that used to be pretty close to me. She was the one that bought me into the company. We're a sub-team of 3, us and a man. Exactly because we're close friends I tend to confide to her. Recently, I've made a lover that is (or so it seems to be) a HVM. This main takes care of me, makes me breakfast for work, buys me expensive jewelry, we go to mall, in a word he spoils me. And she sees new rings or things and I do not lie, I tell her that it's from my boyfriend.

Few days ago, the male co-worker (that is also astrology) told me some things about my relationship, like the thing that I need to learn to believe that I deserve all the good things that come from the relationship and I said that "Yeah, he really helps me believing this by treating me like a princess" (God forbid to say queen, I think she would have exploded) to which she stepped into the conversation and said with a pretty high voice that she for example doesn't like to be to be maintained by a man and she thinks is a wrong thing to do. To which I responded that I'm not maintained, considering that I DO work, just like her and I think it's nothing wrong for the man to show you in different ways that he loves you. After all, I didn't ask him for anything. All the things came naturally from him. That was one thing. I let it pass. I tough even if we don't have the same principles, we can still be friends.

Now I don't remember how it's started but she was singing with my other co-worker "Daddy cool" ( subtly looking at me). I was too focused on what I was doing, to give her attention, but this sticks with me. Of course I was annoyed. Or course she was asking me the next day if I'm annoyed at her. Of course...I didn't tell her. I just told her it's nothing. But I cannot still befriend her considering this.

How do you respond to this? I'm sure she will continue with the "subtleties".

Edit: Girls, help. I feel she is almost crying because I've became cold to her.

Edit 2: Thank you, to all the girls here. 🙏 I am so amazed by the support and the wisdom found. Thank you a lot.

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[–]SuitablePerformance3Ruthless Strategist[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (2 children) | Copy Link

OP, there's some good and bad advice being given here. I would suggest you handle this with professionalism. There is no more friendship to be had from this woman, she's made her feelings on you clear. This is a pickmeisha and a lvw. Ignore her, her feelings are not your responsibility or you baggage to take on. You are only ever responsible for your own life.

Don't engage with her besides work but don't ignore her either. If she brings it up tell her you believe it would be better if you keep the relationship strictly professional. And get all of this in writing, including her bullying. If she continues to act unprofessional then you need to have a record of events to show she is the problem and not you. Good luck.

[–]lskfjd743FDS Newbie 246 points247 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Cease discussing anything with her at work that does not have to do with your job duties, but maintain a polite professionally friendly facade. This is why FDSers should share little about their personal life and dating philosophy with those with whom their relationship is primarily career oriented.

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 40 points41 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

This, except I would also be cool back.

I really sympathise btw OP. I worked in retail through university part-time, and was subtly bullied for being the only POC at my workplace. Gossip and jealousy is not fun and you said/did nothing wrong it's just her insecurities.

Honestly I would just keep on being cold if it was me. Or at least cool and professional girl. That song she sung was WELL out of order.

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 14 points15 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Gross. I’m sorry that happened to you.

How embarrassing for them to be acting like middle schoolers at that age.

Pathetic.

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Thank you sis.

Yes, the worst bullying by far was from the full-time workers there, who were middle-aged and resented me from the get go. Sadly racism in the UK is still a thing.

[–]GalsofWisconsinFDS Disciple 18 points19 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It does tend to come from middle aged/ older women a lot and yes; they do often act like middle schoolers with jealous gossip and petty passive microaggressions. That has been my overwhelming experience in the workplace too, factually speaking.

I went through middle and highschool with zero bullying or problems. It took my being a grown ass woman working with women in their 60s to see behavior that juvenile and lamely immature. I’d actually never experienced it dealing with 13 year olds- they were better than that

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I think part of it was definitely jealousy. I had older women commenting that the dowdy retail trousers I was wearing were too tight (they were a size too large!), looking me up and down and talking like I wasn't there, making my everyday tasks difficult, etc.

I agree, I had barely any issues in actual university thankfully. I was also very popular at school. When it came to the customers, too, younger female customers around my age were usually the nicest. But the middle-aged and older ones were either nice or would literally pick me apart. It's sad that some women feel the need to do that to each other.

[–]GalsofWisconsinFDS Disciple 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, definitely. I experienced microaggressions over things I wore too, with the same talking about it like I wasn’t there. None of the clothes in question was noteworthy or inappropriate in any way. It was just an excuse for them to sublimate their negative feelings in thinly veiled aggressions and that was the first sneaky sign of animus. What lame insecure people. Their punishment is to have to be exactly who they are. What trouble and self inflicted pain they must experience every day.

Can you imagine being so constantly affected by other people. Pushed hither and tither by that ones popularity, this ones looks, that ones new bracelet. The jealous are a torment to themselves. How can you even live. The reality is, they’re so busy watching and trying to trip others up- that they don’t. They completely fail to.

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I’m in Canada and we all like to pretend racism isn’t here but when you ask any POC you hear differently.

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

What sort of racism does one encounter there?

I always thought Canada (esp the bigger cities) was really multicultural, but I've heard on the grapevine about some white Canadian guys being casually racist sadly. And that misogyny can also be bad.

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oh there’s definitely misogyny here, especially in rural areas where there’s a lot of trade workers. (Electricians, truckers, rig pigs, etc.)

I think the racism in Canada is more subtle. As they say it’s racism with a smile. Usually a lot of micro aggressions, ignorance/avoiding the depths of our racial problems, and subtle undertones.

I’d say there’s definitely more racism towards the Native Americans than there is towards African-Americans. A lot of the aboriginal here are still dealing with generational trauma from residential schools.

There are Boomers who don’t even believe that residential schools were violent or traumatizing for the kids. They still believe the PR story that the schools were “helping” the locals to become healthier and more “civilized” and they completely ignore the abuse and corruption that occurred.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And every residential school has a whole graveyard of dead indigenous children throughout Canada and America, but everyone is pretending the 215 bodies found in Kamloops is brand new knowledge... When all they had to do was ask the elders who went there and had to dig those graves.

[–]moonlightpuddleFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just an important fact to add, there is blatant Islamophobia here. Muslims are regarded like the plague, people show open dislike towards them. I wear a hijab, and the recent events in the news don't make me feel safe here at all. My youngest sis is studying to be a vet and she says she faces blatant Islamophobia, even from other POC's, which, to me is especially disgusting, because aren't we all POC'S within a system of oppression? Muslims are the new Jews, everyone loves to hate us and our community. I don't know if you've kept up with news but there has been a string of Islamophobic hate crimes, and the media is brushing over it because the murderer was a white male. Our community, the Muslim Community will never forget how even in Canada there is among the worst treatment for us. I find other POC'S participate in spreading hate with the whites, it's really disturbing. My family and I don't go out all together anymore, only to drive-thrus or places where it's really busy already, because otherwise there is a very real fear for our lives.

[–]Davina33FDS Disciple 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes it really is sis. I'm also British and a woman of colour. I worked for a popular women's clothing store about 13 years ago which has since gone bust. It was an all women store and I was also bullied. It got so bad they even changed the rota one day when I was at work so I then ended up coming to work on the wrong day. It cost me a lot in bus tickets and I get sent home. I was the only woman of colour, young and attractive and they didn't like it. They would try to say my straight hair was a wig and all sorts because apparently only Europeans can have straight hair. They would not allow me to wear any make up even though they were caked in it etc. Racism is alive and kicking here, it might be more covert than other countries but I will never say the U.K. is innocent.

[–]sstenaFDS Apprentice 24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This.

[–]BananaSlugGhostFDS Newbie 115 points116 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

From now on, when someone compliments your jewelry, just say thanks. Don’t talk about your dating life at work.

[–]Little-bit_FDS Newbie 87 points88 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I mean look, jealousy amongst us is rife because our good options are SO FEW and far between that often some amongst us let it get the better of them. I know how frustrating and angering it must be and agree you can’t have negative people like this in your life.

[–][deleted] 78 points79 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

People you work with are not your friends.

It's crappy, but it is what it is.

[–]ucompostFDS Newbie 56 points57 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

In my experience people like this are just mad you’re happy. I cannot tell you how many times I got comments about my fiancé for his HV behavior and how he’s such a real gem etc etc but as soon as I say “I know” i have gotten comments of being high maintenance etc etc.

Keep your sunshine. Sucks for her. I mean you’re happy right? So just let it roll off your shoulders and think “man she must be reconciling somethings on her end” and let it be that. It’s her problem not yours and also not your business to know what she thinks about you.

But don’t stop smiling and being honest about your relationship when people ask.

Instead lean into it more and flex that gratitude in your relationship that you’re happy in. Smile into that sunshine!!

Edit: real friends don’t get crabby at their friends happiness. Real friends want you to be happy Regardless of their own PERSONAL opinions and values of how a relationship should work. Otherwise they’re crabs in a bucket.

[–]pinkcityscapeFDS Newbie 41 points42 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I really think people shouldn’t talk about their personal life at work. It’s not worth it and always gets used against you. Also she sounds jealous, I would keep your distance from now on if possible since work politics makes this hard sometimes…

[–]TheboredshrimpFDS Apprentice 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I believe we shouldn't make friends at work

[–]starlight_sequenceFDS Newbie 35 points36 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A lot of women get bitter, jealous, defensive, etc. if they pick up that you're completely spoiled by your man because they haven't learned to believe that they deserve those things too.

I've found it's best to move in silence.

[–]Hikari3747FDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree

Also how many hvm exist? I too, would be happy jealous for my friend if she found a HVM.

I would be supportive, but sad that I haven't found one yet. Who doesn't want a partner who treat you right?

[–]Peak_TreeFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I...wouldn't talk about anything FDS related at work tbh.

[–]PasDeToutFDS Newbie 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She basically called you a sugar baby. That’s enough to report her to HR.

[–]ThesseliFDS Newbie 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like she's jealous of what you have.

[–]BlueFennecGoesCampin 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will second everyone else's comments on this. I wanted to respond to your edit mainly. Let her sit with her discomfort and meditate on what she did wrong. This isn't on you to fix her. keep on living your best life. She can come around, or not, that's not your responsibility.

[–]hensbanexThrowaway Account 62 points63 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

why does her opinion bother you? you know you’re right. she’s just jealous, clearly.

[–]GalsofWisconsinFDS Disciple 28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s best not to let it bother you, yes. But it is natural to be bothered by someone engaging in microaggressions toward you. Let’s not stigmatize that. It is still essentially an aggression regardless of motive.

The song lyrics she referenced are clear and rude. Super inappropriate, rude behavior for the work place.

[–]hensbanexThrowaway Account 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t know the song at all so I didn’t think that was as pointed as it was. that’s not a microaggression, that’s straight up interpersonally aggressive. I don’t think I stigmatized being upset, it was very much just about valuing her opinion of op - this woman’s opinion is clearly warped by her own insecurity and jealousy. I wanted to communicate that op should not internalize those feelings from her about her personal choices but I didn’t do that as well as I wanted to - thank you for the comment

[–]asianinindiaFDS Newbie 63 points64 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would say "I'm sorry your insecurities about feeling worthless are triggered by my relationship but that's something that you should work on by yourself."

Actually don't listen to me. I make enemies very easily. Listen to others.

A tip though. Don't talk about relationships at work. Keep the words separate. Find your friends elsewhere.

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would be so tempted to say this ngl sis! Haha!

[–]melonmagellanFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All you've mentioned in this post is that this man spends money on you. Great, he's not broke, but LVMs also can have money. Elon Musk is a NVM.

Still none of her business and it is in poor taste for her to mention it.

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[–]azula8FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Had the exact same thing happen. When I started dating my seemingly HV ex my work bff started mocking me and try to embarrass me at work.

I took a step back and then I realized that while I was telling her about this date and that date, she would tell me about how this guy hooked up with her and didn't text her after, this guy hooked up with her but is pursuing a different girl ect ect.

A lot of it is unhappiness. Even if its clear that you want them to be happy too. Theyll start picking on the things that theyre ahead of you in. Mentioning how their car is newer and that is better ect ect. Bcs what you have as an advantage over them? They cant have. They cant turn back time to undo the wrong degree they took. They cant unfck the pigs they fcked. They cant have a good family relationship you have.

Most cant think advanced enough to even realize what theyre doing. Its not some sophisticated calculation that theyll make you miserable. Sht, theyll just say the way you blink your eye is annoying and hence they feel x,y,z about you.

[–]radsera99FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol this is what happens when you’re a feminist and u share your beliefs with people. You never know what weird reaction you’re going to get. Gotta vet men and women.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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