Confusion is a sign of abuse - can we talk about this more?

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-01-08T07:24:45+00:00

I experienced this, I think it's often caused by gaslighting and when men are all words but their actions don't match up and also inconsistent behaviour, being nice and then stonewalling you. You have evidence they are a porn addict for example or even conclusive proof, but they are telling you your imagining it and being crazy or just deny it and make you feel guilty. Also I do believe even more obvious abuse and traumatic experiences could cause confusion to, if you have acute stress disorder and anxiety as a result or PTSD

janetheautomaton · 2021-01-08T07:44:51+00:00

That ??????? feeling is you reacting to cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, here is someone telling you what you want to hear, all the "right things," and reassuring you that everything is fine and as it should be. On the other hand, here is your brain subconsciously logging all the little discrepancies, mismatched words and actions, deception cues, etc., and trying to alert you that something is wrong. The ??????? feeling is the friction you're experiencing between those two modes.

The Gift of Fear talks extensively about people trusting that "gut instinct," that feeling of danger. You can apply the same concept to the ??????? feeling, only here you have to work even harder to stop yourself from dismissing the feeling as insecurity, as you overreacting, as you misunderstanding, etc., because men have managed to convince a lot of people that a woman is an emotionally weak, hypersensitive, hysterical, demanding harpy who is both responsible for shouldering the entire emotional load despite being crazy as well as for being a Cool Girl.

That's why confusion is often a sign of abuse, and, sometimes, the first red flag. Most people aren't the manipulative masterminds they think they are, they're just advantaged by the fact that most people (women) default to truth and are socially conditioned to give the benefit of the doubt. Talking to Strangers has some really good chapters on this subject.

Soso3213 · 2021-01-08T13:52:45+00:00

Going off this, I wish I could tell my younger self that there’s no “mystery” to solve. If someone is being confusing, it doesn’t matter is “they have a lot on right now” “they’re going through stuff” “it’s just a bad day” “his [insert sister/mother/female friend] put something in his head” NO.

If you feel confused, and you’ve tried to address something ONCE (aka known as “did you try to communicate?”) then you’ve done your bit.

No going around the same subject over and over again. You can often tell by the way an issue is addressed how much either party cares. If there is an imbalance of care, CUT YOUR LOSSES!

wrice05 · 2021-01-08T18:40:49+00:00

Here's the other thing: I think a lot of men out here are unconsciously gaslighting. I used to think gaslighting was an intentional tactic only used by master-level narcissistic abusers, like men who set out to destroy a woman with purpose and full awareness. And that absolutely occurs with terrifying frequency.

But I'll tell you who has done me far more lasting damage: the "nice guys" who gaslight not intentionally, but because gaslighting is the result of moving through the world with the "I will do or say whatever can get me out of this uncomfortable situation right now." They don't think, "I'm going to gaslight this woman," or "what can I say today that will make her doubt her reality?" They will think, "I don't want to hurt her feelings." The actual underlying reality is, "I don't want to face the emotional consequences of my actions." What they say/text out loud will be, "I always thought of us as just friends." It's utility that makes most men gaslight. They don't even know they're doing it. It's far more subtle and far harder to combat--it requires you to double down on the reality of your own perspective, and society will neither equip nor support you in that. But your experience is real. Don't let a man deny it or make you deny it yourself.

LowNHigh · 2021-01-08T11:50:43+00:00

This article was such a wake up call for me - unfortunately, not until after finally leaving my ex after years of this. It lists feeling foggy or confused as the first sign that you’re being gaslighted. I think if I had read this years ago when I was in it, it would have really helped me identify what he was doing and I might have got my head on straight sooner.

https://vickitidwellpalmer.com/7-signs-youre-gaslighted/

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-01-08T11:46:04+00:00

[deleted]

daisy_0720 · 2021-01-08T17:42:56+00:00

When a conversation starts with you calling a man out on his poor behavior and ends with you apologizing, he's gaslighting you and you need to run.

I'm never tolerating that again.

Deadgirl1888 · 2021-01-08T15:18:06+00:00

If they are expert manipulators they will have love bombed you for 6 months ish. I remember at about the month mark the mask starts slipping a bit. They would start taking jobs at my appearance/ career /hobbies as a "joke" of course. Then a month after that I felt like I had to be glued to my phone in case they called (they would always freak out of I didnt answer right away) it seemed like any time I tried to be independent and enjoy life they would make me feel like shit later. Red flags add up fast if you ignore them long enough you will be in an trapped in an abusive relationship. I escaped both times but now I have PTSD for the rest of my life. It's been hard having a happy normal life after all that.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-01-08T13:42:41+00:00

Lundy talks about confusion in his Why Does He Do That book.

I drop him like it’s hot if I feel even a shred of confusion. I was confused ALL THE TIME, to the point of questioning my sanity, and writing things down to make sure I was remembering stuff correctly. Turns out those are actions of someone who has been gaslit to the extreme.

So yeah, make me confused, I’ll kick you to the curb so fast you can’t blink. Bye, boy.

One of the biggest hallmarks of a HVM, IMO is that he is clear with his intent.

ShadowoftheGrimoire · 2021-01-08T12:39:24+00:00

Sometimes also you can feel confused when they start to escalate their controlling behaviors because it seems to come out of left field. One minute you’re talking about something benign like a tv show, and the next they’re saying that they don’t want you wearing X or talking to Y. This happened to me and I remember being like, “How did we get on this topic”?

butterscotch_cherrie · 2021-01-08T12:27:35+00:00

It's where you question your own sanity and think you must have done something wrong, even though deep down, you're sure you didn't. But his manner is so insistent that you can end up pushing your rationality right down and deciding you must have been in the wrong after all. As has also been said, this can be exacerbated by your own insecurities, which he will have found out about in full and noted for future exploitation.

Lundy Bancroft describes it well in Why Does He Do That? It's when you emerge from an exchange feeling raked through the coals but you're not sure why. If you attempt to describe what happened, it can seem innocent and harmless. For example, my ex once suddenly said, "Is there something you want to tell me?" in a tone that seemed aggressive. I tried to explain that I felt upset by this aggression that seemed to come out of nowhere, and he said he was just making conversation. Even now, you see, I'm questioning whether it was as aggressive as all that, why I couldn't just brush it off. Surely, there was nothing wrong with my perception of the behavior as strange and aggressive. However, if you describe something like that to a third party later, it can so easily sound like nothing.

I second what's been said about having a blanket ban on all "understanding" psychological explanations. Why do we do that? I advocate zero tolerance of mistreatment, zero ignoring and tolerating whatever feels off.

Sage_Planter · 2021-01-08T18:41:50+00:00

My NVM ex did this to me, and it was absolutely a form of abuse.

In that relationship, he wasn't necessarily saying things to confuse me, but he'd leave select information out that constantly left me confused. Even when I'd ask him to clarify things because I was trying to connect the dots, he'd shrug me off. I honestly felt like I was going insane for the last year of our relationship - things just didn't make sense to me.

pathalienation · 2021-01-08T16:13:08+00:00

Super glad to see this post- I posted the original comment that you referenced- it’s something my trauma therapist said to me often.

Original1one · 2021-01-08T19:43:08+00:00

I swear I read the same line and thought about it ALL night.

confusion is absolutely abuse and men who are passive aggressive do this often and then turn it around you and make you feel CRAZY.

i would ask to do something with my ex he'd say "sure, sounds good...let's discuss later" and when I'd ask again days or weeks later he'd say "no", I'd get visibly upset and then he'll say "why are you so enraged?"

they are always ambiguous. and they do this on purpose.

Colorado1996 · 2021-01-09T02:38:32+00:00

Finally came to the conclusion that the guy I was talking to either lacked basic reading comprehension, or was being intentionally confusing so I’d drop the subject/apologize. And neither of those are worth it.

This is also why I refuse to talk to grown ass men over Snapchat, since you can never go back and reread the entire conversation, which makes it intentionally confusing as well.

Surprise-Character · 2021-01-08T14:37:54+00:00

Yes!! I would always feel so confused after arguing with my ex. Yeah nice I decided to stop accepting that it became much easier to leave him for good.

ciciplum · 2021-01-08T21:35:07+00:00

Seriously! I wish I'd known before.

2021-01-11T22:54:13+00:00

Yes... I felt confused during most of my relationship with my ex. :/ I genuinely thought I was an abusive person because he kept telling me I was "abusing" when I was just vocalizing concerns with his basic lack of decency. I was "verbally abusive" for being direct and clear. And then it started and I was just confused, but would call him out, and then more confusion and manipulation. My ex is studying to be a psychologist and used his psycho babble on me. My sister is a trained psychologist and when she finally saw his texts to me, she made it clear he was abusing his position and was making shit up to make me feel dumb and confused.

It's a red flag for me now. I'm very highly conscious and aware, so if this feeling pops up again... I am out.

shakethat_milkshake · 2021-01-09T21:18:42+00:00

Yes. What you’re experiencing is “being off balance” which is the opener that abusers look for to find the right target.

Title	Confusion is a sign of abuse - can we talk about this more?
Author	Fun_Sherbet
Upvotes	402
Comments	54
Date	January 8, 2021 7:13 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ksxhho/confusion_is_a_sign_of_abuse_can_we_talk_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/confusion-is-a-sign-of-abuse-can-we-talk-about.735350 https://theredarchive.com/post/735350