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Cooking together in a new relationship - wifey shit?

February 3, 2022
189 upvotes

How soon is too soon to start cooking together, once you've been to each other's homes and assuming of course that he continues to take you on date nights out regularly?

Is cooking together considered wifey shit when you're not cooking for him, but with him?

What do you ladies think?

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[–]preppykat3FDS Newbie 350 points351 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don’t see an issue with it IF he’s doing it with you. If you’re the one doing most of the work then you’re not doing it together.

[–]fireforestfairyFDS Apprentice 43 points44 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, make it clear you don't want to do all of the cooking after marriage.

[–]preppykat3FDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh it’s pretty clear. I can’t cook anyway. The only thing I ever make is frozen stuff anyway. It’s a good way to vet men when I tell them I can’t cook and that I hate cooking anyway. So they don’t even expect me to learn.

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 163 points164 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I do most of the cooking because I love to cook, and I’m a decent cook. My hubby loves to clean and do laundry (which I hate…lol), so it’s a good match. I especially love that when I have a holiday dinner, he helps with the cooking, and does ALL the clean up, so I can catch up with the people I cooked for - usually my kids (not his kids) and their partners.

What I do not do, is set an expectation that dinner will be on the table when he gets home. We both work, but I’m home a lot earlier. Sometimes, I take a nap and am sleeping when he gets home, so he’ll whip something up, do some chores, until I wake, AND he’ll still do the dishes because that’s the whole point of letting me fully rest. Sometimes on the weekends, we’ll cook something new that we want to try together.

Bottom line, when we met, I made it very clear, we are both grownups and responsible for feeding ourselves, and if I want to cook, I will and I will share, but if I don’t feel like cooking, I won’t, and he doesn’t get upset or say dumb shit like, “but I do the laundry”. He just simply makes or orders something for the both of us.

WTS, I believe it’s about expectations - if he expects that a sexist role is to be played, run. But, if you like to cook, and enjoy what you do, there’s no harm in sharing :) if you hate it, then have him do it. If you both hate it, well, cheerios and banana for dinner is perfectly fine.

Both of my sons are the cooks in their relationships because I taught them young that once they’re old enough, they are responsible for making sure they eat when their hungry, so unless they plan on being wealthy enough to order healthy take-out, they better know how to cook because it is not, and never will automatically be their partner’s job.

ETA - while initially dating, I did not let him know that I loved to cook, and let him feed me, until I felt it was a safe and appropriate time to reveal my favorite hobby.

[–]ifhewantedtohewouldFDS Newbie 87 points88 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Both of my sons are the cooks in their relationships

That’s some great parenting, momma!!

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 29 points30 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks :)

[–]NotMyRealName814FDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is an excellent post. I, too, love to cook and would enjoy doing so with a partner as long as it wasn't expected that I do most of the work or bear the majority of the grocery expenses. I used to take cooking classes on a regular basis just for fun and when a date told me that he "was looking forward to critiquing my honework" I dumped his sorry ass. Im still pissed off to this day that he used the term "critique" and ge thought he was really being soooo smooth and flirty when he said that.

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ew. What a jerk. I’m gladded you saw right through the negging!!!!

[–]warinmymind94FDS Disciple 159 points160 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I would save this for down the line, obviously after you've established a committed relationship.

Make it vetting thing.

Is he suggesting the recipe? Is he grocery shopping and buying the right ingredients? Is he skimping, buying the wrong items, or omitting things out of laziness or cheapness?

Cooking will show you how well he follows directions, doing it together will show if you can work in a team, it'll show you how he reacts when things can get little stressful.

Does he do his fair share of labor? Or does he fake incompetence?

Does he actually possess basic cooking skills?

Does he have a kitchen that has the basic pans, knives, and basic ingredients?

Does he cleanup?

How does he handle the just slightly stressful situations that arise in a kitchen... because if hes loosing his temper, talking over you, micromanaging, or even if he's placing the oven mit so you can't reach it... Cooking is a necessary and basic thing. If he can't be uo to the task and play fair with COOKING he is NOT the man to be having sex or a relationship with!

Let me add that this would be a ONE TIME type of thing for the vetting reasons mentioned above. I would also make sure to add it is NOT a date. If you do get married you need to know you can work well together and you want a man that will not dump cooking onto you. Being in that kitchen will give you a good preview of that dynamic. It will be hard for a LVM to keep his mask on.

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 66 points67 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is exactly what I did, and the man I married is the one who passed all the tests :) For my first birthday, with him, I told him I wanted a homemade cake (in addition to any gifts). And, he made a decent not from a box chocolate cake.

[–]warinmymind94FDS Disciple 29 points30 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Glad to hear vetting would cooking was successful for you! Asking for a homemade cake is another great strategy as well, because it tests to see if he will put in that effort and also will show if he has some basic baking skills! Good way to see if he notes of your favorite colors, flavors, or uses the special ingredients/substitutes if you have allergies or a diet - for people that do follow a stricter diet even if you just want clean or organic ingredients see if he will listen!

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 39 points40 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes! He did remember, from conversation, the exact amount of icing I like (not a lot!!). But the one that won me was him remembering me saying that my deceased mom made cheeseburgers every Halloween- even after we were no longer dressing up- so our first Halloween together, he invited me over to his place to give out candy and he surprised me with cheeseburgers! He also bought candy/other not food goodies for kids who are neurodivergent or have allergies…wait, I’m not finished !!!- it was a childrens book that my cousin had published that was about growing up with food allergies.

[–]warinmymind94FDS Disciple 17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"If he wanted to he would" and he did! Thats so sweet he surprised you with cheese burgers on Halloween- he listened, he cared to make you happy, and he made the effort. A lvm wouldn't have even remembered or at best mumbled something like you gonna eat a burger today/ tried getting you to make it for him or buy him fast food...

Very happy for you! Gives me hope the burgers was cute and the fact he even got alternative things to give to kids who are neurodivergent/have allergies was another good sign!

I said a while to look for men who are willing to celebrate holidays with you (as long as you celebrate them) and will happy to be festive/learn your traditions! This goes along the line of the cheeseburgers and that he was handing out treats to the kids with you ... a lvm would have refused or been a miserable bump on a log!

[–]myeggsarebigFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks! To clarify, I’m not here to brag, but to offer hope to other queens - FDS works!!!!

After my divorce (he was HV, but I didn’t love him), my friend, who is someone I consider a spiritual mentor, had me write out a “romantic inventory”. On it we’re physical, spiritual, emotional, and financial ideals that are non negotiable. And in true FDS fashion what do I bring to the table. Gotta be HV if I want HV. It made vetting so much easier. For example, if they’re HV in every other way, but don’t like kids and dogs, which was a non negotiable, I gotta keep it moving. It was a long list, and I stuck to it.

[–]kangaskhaniscubonesFDS Newbie 115 points116 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it’s a fun activity to do together.

[–]thinktwiceorelseFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I was 12 I imagined my future husband. He cooked for me. Unfortunatelly, I forgot about my dream and cooked for and with my exes. But I remembered.

[–]whiskey_and_oreosFDS Newbie 178 points179 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Wifey shit.

I'm your future. Used to cook for and with him and even helped with meal prep on Sundays before going back to my apartment. Eventually those dates start to disappear once you move in together because "you can cook better than the restaurant!" I divorced him last year.

[–]ifhewantedtohewouldFDS Newbie 157 points158 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“You can cook better than the restaurant!” = I’m lazy and broke

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 38 points39 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If I’ve already done this…is it too late? Never cooked for him but with him once.

[–]whiskey_and_oreosFDS Newbie 48 points49 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I'd stop and not mention anything about it. Continue vetting and see if he asks.

[–]DeterminedblondeFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah this is a good idea. If he says “next time when we cook together…” etc he might fall into a lazy pattern of using them as replacement dates.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

And if he asks say no and see how he reacts / if he keeps asking?

[–]souredskittlesFDS Disciple 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Literally don’t cook for him anymore. I’ve done this in a relationship because I wanted to eat a bit healthier. I was thinking that way he can still take me out but we can do something instead of eat outside (stupid) Literally don’t do it. He then didn’t want to take me out anymore and then asked me to make him food. He was completely useless at grocery shopping. Ugh disgusting.

He’ll probably ask you to cook again. Refuse and see how he responds. He should still take you out, if he whines and asks again immediately dump.

[–]WaitWaitHeartFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

same here!

[–]bleda_princeznaFDS Newbie 47 points48 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I cooked with the guy I was in my last relationship with (We were together couple months in total) and it ended up being the only activity or "quality time" we spent together apart from a short hike once a week... 🤦🏻‍♀️

I highly don't recommend.

[–]katiekat0214FDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These days as an older, widowed woman, I'd never cook together with a man, who presumably would be around my age. It's the whole nurse and purse thing. I'd like a relationship like the one I have with my sister and niece: we all take turns cooking for each other, only when we want to. Nothing expected, always a treat. That works well.

[–]Crazy_Entry_4569 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be on the safe side I'd look for a man who does the cooking as a default.

[–]oscine23FDS Newbie 49 points50 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

I can cook my ass off. But when I’m with my man he cooks for meeee. I don’t lift a finger.

That being said, I think it can be cute if you are in a exclusive relationship, and only every now and then.

[–]GutterchaosFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me and my boyfriend like to plan meals and cook ‘together’. By together, I mean he does the prepping, cooking, and washing up while I dance round the kitchen being annoying.

Also, he’s a GOOD cook!!

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

How do you find someone who loves to cook for you?

Every man I meet loves to brag about his culinary skills then expects me to cook with him and help him.

[–]burpleseaurchinPickmeisha™️ 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Quickly next men who ask for your help. The men you want who have impressive cooking skills and are generous won't feel the need to ask for your help.

Men who can cook very well but insist on your help they are probably 50/50 type men who don't feel a need to impress.

Generous chefs may be a bit rare, but they'll feel even rarer if you waste your time on men who ain't it. Any man asking for your labor early on in the relationship is a red flag. He should be pulling out all the stops early on.

Also theres always the possibility he's this type: The last man I met who bragged about his cooking skills AND asked for my help failed in boiling pasta. Some will say anything to string you along.

[–]oscine23FDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Honestly, it was dumb luck. Lol When we first started dating my dad died and I was so distraught, he came and picked me up, took me to his house, and made me a full course meal, including dessert (homemade pie). Then he packed it all up and sent leftovers to my mom. That’s when I first knew he might be a keeper. :)

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's very sweet, sounds like a keeper so far. I'm sorry about your dad.

[–]oscine23FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks so much. ❤️

[–]ifhewantedtohewouldFDS Newbie 90 points91 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

You never cook for a man, the one exception I can think of is if you’re planning a special night and want to cook his favourite meal as a surprise or something (this is like years into the relationship). Cooking with him is also wifey shit. He doesn’t get to have those benefits unless you have a ring on your finger. Especially in a new relationship like you said you’re in. If you’re cooking together it could be a fun activity on occasion for like a family thing but not a norm and it’s NOT a date.

[–]warinmymind94FDS Disciple 17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I would suggest doing it together as a vetting activity once you're established in a relationship and have been dating a while. I would make sure though to not make it a regular thing though.

Also cooking together is NOT a date. It would be a vetting strategy I would pull out later in the game.

[–]ifhewantedtohewouldFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very true, OP said this is a new relationship so it’s def too soon to be cooking with him unless it was at some sort of culinary class date he organised.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 26 points27 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I never saw this topic covered in there, but yeah that makes sense, thanks.

[–]orangechickengeneralFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sherry Argov talks about it in Why Men Love Bitches

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well I’ve read it and she talks about cooking FOR him so I wondering about WITH.

The consensus here seems to be that’s a no as well.

[–]souredskittlesFDS Disciple 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s only if your cooking for everyone, like a get together in your house. Never cook just for him.

[–]Noemie_MathildeFDS Newbie 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I like dating men who cook for me. In these cases "cooking together" means him cooking and me sampling the food and eating half the raw ingredients (e.g. choc chips).

[–]wondertargetFDS Newbie 63 points64 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Never.

My fiancé cooks for me 🥰

[–]Astral_weaverFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As much as I love the activity of cooking with loved ones, I would not recommend it in the context of a new relationship, not even as a vetting strategy. Last time I did, 4 years ago, it ended up in a disaster. You can cook together with your friends, it is safer.

[–]FUBARfromLSAFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It seems like a cute wholesome activity on the surface but it’s really can be a trap- at least in the beginning of the relationship.

I think you’re getting thrown off by cooking WITH him instead of the dreaded cooking FOR him.

My experience (pre FDS) has been you start off together but gradually, as time goes by, he spends less and less time cooking WITH you and has to make a phone call, let me just turn on the game, I need to walk the dog, and suddenly you’re the only one in the kitchen and you’re cooking FOR him.

I personally avoid it now, these men get way too comfortable seeing you in the kitchen.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hm so they're basically trying to trick you into taking on that role. That's disappointing.

[–]FUBARfromLSAFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It may not be intentional but yes.

Men get very comfortable with being catered to very easily and will maneuver situations to create that end goal.

But this is the time they should be wining and dining YOU and impressing YOU not the other way around.

Set your boundaries and stick with them.

[–]Moira_SpiceFDS STRATEGY COACH 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm extremely wary about doing cooking together, I certainly wouldn't do that as a Girlfriend, but I would be fine with it as a Fiancee.

Please read Why Men Love Bitches you'll see exactly why it isn't a good idea.

[–]spaghetty8 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should NEVER have to cook for your man.

He should be cooking for YOU, if he truly wants you he will treat you like a queen, because you are a queen.

[–]med10crityFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This early on, he should be cooking for YOU. Only agree to cook together if he has already proven he is a competent cook. Otherwise you will just be babysitting him the whole time to make sure he doesn't do anything wrong.

[–]bamboohobobundlesFDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I recently entered a new relationship, but it's with someone I've known for some time now. Most often when we hang out, he cooks dinner, and he always asks me first what I'd like to eat. Sometimes though, if we find a really elaborate recipe online (or want to collaborate on a recipe we already know that is time consuming), we do cook together and I really enjoy it.

He also went out of his way to bake homemade bread for my (insanely picky eater) son when he decided to stop eating store bought bread for a while.

[–]CherubBaby1020Throwaway Account 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Before we go married, we would cook together. And by we would cook together, I really mean, he would suggest something and I would say yay or nay, w would walk to the store for him to shop and pay while I get to push the cart around and just ad lib and dance to the music, then we get home and I unpack the groceries as he starts getting the pots and pans together, then I get the music going and maybe stir a pot if he is busy managing the rest of the meal. I make sure our drinks are full and cold and again supply entertainment and conversation. Then we eat and I clean up the stuff that goes into the dishwasher while he hand cleans things needing hand cleaning.

Basically, I do very little. Works for us :)

[–]lolmemberberriesFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I like to cook, but I won't do it in the early dating stages. I wouldn't cook for a man until after he cooked for me. Not being able to cook is a deal breaker.

[–]Expensive-Worker5767At-Risk Pick Me Youth 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am looking for the answer to this as well! I just posted in ask FDS. On the weeknight my boyfriend has requested whoever’s house we stay at would be in charge of dinner that night. I said yes that would be ok because he takes me to dinner and makes me dinner at his house. He has also cooked for me at my house including buying all the groceries. thoughts?! We have been dating 6 months and are in a serious committed relationship.

[–]_queeeen_FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

ugh this is hard because i genuinely love cooking, and want to be with a man who also loves cooking artful, healthy food at home. i've seen this advice shared around on the sub to give a little bit less than he does (versus matching him all the time). so maybe you prompt a recipe you want to try, but let him plan and execute cooking it together. personally what i would not be comfortable with is whipping up a multi-course meal all by myself and serving it to a man. would i do that for my girlfriends or my family? absolutely. it would be a joy to do that for them because i love cooking and sharing that love with people i care about. but pre-commitment, it's a no.

[–]Junior-Lion7893FDS Newbie -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Let me put it this way, I’ll set the house on fire before I cook or help anyone cook. I cook for myself and my parents that’s it.

I will never eat anything he makes while we date. I don’t expect him to cook for me.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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