Distancing myself from my boyfriend. How to keep that strength when you love him?

Thestral-glow6 · 2021-06-20T09:43:22+00:00

How to keep that strength when you love him?? Remind yourself that you love yourself more. YOU are more important, your emotional and mental health is more Important. Your dignity and self worth is more important that a low life who has bullied and pressured you into sex, drained you emotionally and has made you feel like a shell of your former self.

Stay strong, you’re doing the right thing by keeping busy. Keep him blocked everywhere and delete his number. Write out a list of all the things that’s he’s done to hurt you, how he’s disrespected you. Read it when you feel weak or alone, remind yourself that you’re worth more 🤍

i_h8_m3 · 2021-06-20T10:29:31+00:00

Sent my last text. Asked him not to try to contact me or my family. Blocked him... idk how i feel. But its for the best

i_h8_m3 · 2021-06-20T10:03:59+00:00

Screenshotting these replies to read when I feel like I'm going to give in to him again 😭❤

Been with him for 3+years now so its just hard.

FDS-GFY · 2021-06-20T14:01:56+00:00

My dearest: if you think leaving after three years is hard, be glad you aren’t trying after ten.

Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.

He will. Not. Change.

If he wanted to, he would have. Keep repeating it over and over again.

Take care of you.

camomilleeee · 2021-06-20T11:48:31+00:00

I'm incredibly proud of you. You're doing the right thing and taking your life back. 💕

When it gets hard and you want to reach out to him, it might be helpful to ask yourself: "What would someone who loved themselves do in this situation?" Then go and do that. I know it's difficult but you're strong. We're all here for you and believe in you!

millennialpink2000 · 2021-06-20T14:51:06+00:00

Dignity over dick. You got this

ENFP_Canadian · 2021-06-20T11:14:53+00:00

You are trauma bonded, and that's why you feel like you can't leave even though you feel sad and tired. That guilt is part of it. I went through this and wish someone told me to look it up BEFORE I left him. It would've helped me so much to know what I was feeling and the struggle was actually called a trauma bond and that there are ways to begin breaking it.

Start there, by reading professional resources and talking to a professional on how to leave when your brain is literally addicted to the oxytocin and cortisol rollercoaster of being in that relationship. It's not love. Your brain thinks it is, but it's not.

Then continue therapy. I wish you the best.

goatismycopilot · 2021-06-20T11:43:43+00:00

I would suggest therapy because you are enough. You are stuck in a mindset that only a shitty boyfriend is what makes you enough. What you are calling love might be something else.

arnezuara · 2021-06-20T12:30:08+00:00

Write down all the painful/disrespectful shit he’s done to you. Read it over.

It sucks to realize that the LVM you have feelings for is not a good person, although you hoped they were.

It’s as if you’re finally taking a look into this ugly mirror of who he truly is. It’s so easy to confuse his ugliness with your own.

Don’t let it. You deserved better. You’ll move on and learn from this experience. But in order to do that, you have to let him go.

UnderwaterWriter · 2021-06-20T15:54:15+00:00

The opposite of love is not hate, but disgust. And the cure for love is indifference. For right now you need to trust the sick feeling you have of the person he actually is, and realize that you cannot love him, when things about him are so revolting to you. Then, one day, you will feel nothing at all towards him. And that will be a day of peace.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2021-06-20T13:04:29+00:00

Please ghost him and don’t look back. It’s going to be painful but you will heal.

airhostess_inthe60s · 2021-06-20T10:00:13+00:00

Sis, leave that man! You can do it!

I know that you love him, but ask yourself, does he really love you? He knows he makes you sad and abuses you (yes, the guilt and pressure is abuse) yet he continues to treat you the same way. That's not love.

Please put yourself first! I promise that once you build the life you deserve, the loneliness doesn't hit so hard as being alone in a relationship.

Sending you lots of light and positive thoughts 💓

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-06-20T15:53:17+00:00

Think about it like this, even though it's painful, I know: You won't live happily ever after. This relationship is broken and you know it. If you give in now, and take him back, you'll eventually break up again and again. There isn't any other option, except...doing it now and saving your tears and time. I'm talking from the experience - I was trying to break up with him, then changed my mind, then broke up for good. The only thing I regret now is, that I should do so earlier.

NessaMonsta17 · 2021-06-20T16:36:36+00:00

You should be pissed, angry, and want him to suffer because of his sadistic ways. I would hate the fuck out of him. You don't love him you miss the pieces of yourself he robbed from you.

You don't love him, you just happen to be thinking about the last person you dated which so happens to be him

You don't love him, you just haven't been fulfilling your life with friends, family, things you love because you we so stuck on being his perfect little slave. And now that it's gone you have no identity and so you want to run back to the only thing you know.

You don't miss him. Start remembering why he is such a bag of dog shit.

Its ok girl. You were abused and this is the withdrawal from it. It goes away.

Allow your self to hate him "I fucking hate him." allow your self to feel the pain, the anger. Allow your self to tell him "fuck off you fucking sick dirty diseased man".

Rip his heart of and cut off those feelings of love and replace it with "he is nothing, he is piece of shit".

Get angry girl. Cry, scream. And forgive yourself. Because it wasn't your fault. You never did anything, to deserve for another human being to violate you and abuse you. You are worthy of the utmost pure love. So take the time to get mad and then to heal. Do not take this as your burden, you are not the reason for this. He is sick and evil. Evil has many faces.

lolmemberberries · 2021-06-20T14:06:58+00:00

Love yourself more. Honestly, I think ghosting would be appropriate in this situation. Conversations haven't been helpful and you have every right to move on from a person who hurts you.

Mcccy · 2021-06-20T09:40:45+00:00

Sis please leave him. He offers nothing in your life but sadness and stress. I know you may hold on into your happy memories of him but it's really not worth it, that was not him. His true self is this weirdo that makes you sad, does painful sex to you and talks about incest.

I understand you may feel lonely, but anything is better than staying with that leech that holds grudges and uses you as a therapist.

Please pack your things and leave or pack his things and dump him, cause it's honestly only going to get worse.

Don't let him waste anymore of your time, you could be happy right now with friends that love and support you and not with this loser that sucked the life out of you.

Since you like drawing have you tried getting into a community where you can meet others and make friends there? Maybe there's a group or something at your city where you can join and start slowly from there.

Please dump him and find people that love and care about you instead, you deserve to be happy and loved ❤️

calico_moon · 2021-06-20T18:58:33+00:00

Being alone isn't as scary as it sounds. While ideally I would like to have someone to share my life with, I've found that being alone is very freeing. I get to live my life exactly how I want to, spend time with who I want, enjoy hobbies that are just for me, and don't have to worry about anyone but myself (and my cat (: ). No one is worth putting up with feeling how you're feeling. The fear of being alone shouldn't be cause to sacrifice your wellbeing. This man sounds completely awful, he doesn't deserve to take up space in your mind let alone your life. I broke up with my ex last year but I should've broken up with him sooner. I didn't want to be alone either but not only is it better than being treated badly, it's actually very liberating. Please take your wellbeing seriously, no one deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. Be free!!!

Striking_Play_1393 · 2021-06-20T18:03:44+00:00

It’s like a gangrene. Better cut it off now than continue to suffer. You will lose more the longer you stay

Suspicious-Judge-380 · 2021-06-20T18:14:33+00:00

girl, trust me. the sooner you block him the less you’ll cringe in a few months time when you think about it... i still cringe thinking about how i kept texting my ex for months after we broke up despite KNOWING it would never work out and that he was a POS

foodgrowerfoodeater · 2021-06-20T18:42:47+00:00

Plus he still holds grudges against me from when I last tried to break up. But somehow he doesnt take the hint.

That's why you have to unapologetically set firm boundaries. The only communication LVM/NVM understand is no contact. Proud of you for blocking him. It was really inevitable. You did what you had to do for yourself.

Zeniite · 2021-06-20T19:50:38+00:00

Something powerful my therapist has said to me is, “You’re really good at attending to the physical aspects of self care, like diet, exercise, and sleep hygiene, but you also need to attend to the emotional aspects.”

What this means is setting limits with others, doing things for YOUR emotional well-being rather than caring for others’ emotional well-being that comes at your expense. Blocking someone so they can’t guilt trip you and persuade you to keep seeing them is another aspect of emotional self-care. If you aren’t taking care of yourself emotionally, you put yourself at risk of being in relationships/friendships/situationships with people who also won’t care for your emotions. You’re taking a huge step in the right direction by breaking things off and seeking support here. Good for you ❤️

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-06-20T18:54:01+00:00

You're not a burden and your issues are not nonsense.

If he tries to guilt you into taking him back, you probably should just break up via text then block him.

Remind yourself that love is not enough to make a relationship work, and that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, which is the opposite of how he treated you. And imagine how much more energy you will have once you have ditched him! Yes, it will be hard at first, but every time the thought of him pops in your head, what you'll need to do is force yourself to think about something else. It will become easier as you do it, believe me.

If things are reopening where you are, take up a hobby so you can meet other people, make friends and keep yourself distracted.

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WishScary · 2021-06-21T07:31:12+00:00

Sucks when you fall in love with a devilish grin, doesn't it?

Voice memos to yourself on your phone that you break out in case of emergency are very powerful. Record yourself to remind yourself of why you are doing this and why you deserve better. Be honest, raw, and brutal. And on those days it gets really hard, play them over and over.

Always remember to give yourself time.

For a distraction you need something that is easy to pick up, hard to master, and gets you outside of your mind. Think new environments, new ways of seeing and existing in the world, new people, new everything. Most importantly of all you HAVE TO keep this new hobby to yourself and not sacrifice its time in your life. At least not for 3 months. I don't care if its pastry classes, martial arts, calligraphy, gun lessons, jewelry making, even a whole other degree. Just do something that interests you and is for your enjoyment. It can't have anything to do with him or getting attention from men. In fact you don't even mention it to the "next guy" until he proves himself to you without a shadow of a doubt.

Sounds wonderful but its really hard to do especially if you are not used to taking emotional care of yourself. I promise you doing this will teach you how to pour back into you. As you gain mastery you gain confidence and we all know that the best defense to predatory future men is a woman who actually believes in herself and knows her worth.

That's how I got over my handsome devilish grin absolute 5 years waste of time of an ex. But it took a while for me to discover the above on my own so I'm passing it along to you in hopes your recovery will be faster than mine.

A serious note: If he is holding grudges against you, he might be the kind of guy that destroys women who break his heart. He'll be sweet to get you back just to reduce you to nothing when you get comfortable with him again and he secures his next option to jump on.

You'll be ok. Its time to heal. The best future version of you is waiting to meet you.

Title	Distancing myself from my boyfriend. How to keep that strength when you love him?
Author	i_h8_m3
Upvotes	231
Comments	35
Date	June 20, 2021 9:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o41ty8/distancing_myself_from_my_boyfriend_how_to_keep/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/distancing-myself-from-my-boyfriend-how-to-keep.785289 https://theredarchive.com/post/785289