Do you mostly date men who you are viscerally and immediately sexually attracted to on a gut level or do you date a wide range of men and “give guys a chance”?

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2021-01-06T06:26:30+00:00

There has got to be that spark for me... I feel like there's no point in dating someone or having a relationship with someone if you don't have mutual desire and attraction. Unfortunately the good looking ones are often lacking in so many aspects that make a relationship worthwhile.

What I find even funnier in a sick sad way is that every guy I've "given a chance" to even if they weren't that great looking to me.... has been WORSE than the handsome ones at bringing respect, generosity and affection to the dating process.

Seriously, if I'm a 9 and you're a 5, you'd think it'd make you try harder instead of just being a boring lump.

😹😹😹 1

dahliaukifune · 2021-01-06T05:28:06+00:00

[deleted]

chasingastarl1ght · 2021-01-06T05:36:00+00:00

The two hottest guys I've ever dated were the only ones that weren't abusive.

threedotlove · 2021-01-06T06:19:32+00:00

I have, over the years, tried exceptionally hard to foster relationships with men I am not attracted to. I have dated men I was not attracted to, slept with men I was not attracted to, asked out men I was not attracted to, etc., because I recognized they were decent guys & I felt safe around them & I was hoping it could turn into something more. It never worked.

My body reacts a different way to men I am attracted to & honestly, it appears to be random. I don't know if its chemical or hormonal, but my body craves certain men and my vagina will literally become a slip & slide in their presence. These men have all been different types too - hell, even my ex had the classic dad bod & awful teeth, but something about him was so absurdly attractive to my body that I couldn't get enough of him. It sucks that he was a complete and utter narc.

souredskittles · 2021-01-06T05:20:54+00:00

Nah fam I don’t date for charity

WingLate · 2021-01-06T06:22:12+00:00

It’s a matter of, “what does the thought of kissing this person make me feel like?” If the answer is “repulsed”, then no chance.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-01-06T07:05:49+00:00

There's absolutely no point in dating someone you don't want to fuck immediately when you see them. Even if the sex is good it's still never going to be what you really viserally need.

I've done it both ways and it's just never the same. Can you build an attraction to a man you are not initially attracted to? Yes. But it never reaches anywhere near the level of someone you're initially attracted to and therefore there is no point. Are you going to spend 20 years with someone you're so-so about? No. Can you have good sex with them? Potentially. Will you have amazing sex with that deep connection where you just want to drink each other in? No.

2021-01-06T08:18:44+00:00

Whenever I've felt an instant attraction or butterflies, the guy ended up being seriously bad news.

GIfuckingJane · 2021-01-06T11:57:35+00:00

I have some abandonment issues, so guys who hit my "tingly" buttons are usually emotionally unavailable. When I start dating again (maybe 2022?) Ill check myself and see if I've worked past this or if I need more time being single.

Sage_Planter · 2021-01-06T05:13:32+00:00

This is something where I think some people (men and women) could stand to be a little more open minded about. Like anything, there needs to be a balance.

No one should simply "give someone a chance" if it's a solid "no," or there's big red flags. No one should be dating someone out of desperation or pity. If you're truly not attracted to someone, don't try to force things. Modern dating puts far too much priority on a big, instant connection, though.

I'm looking for a long term partnership. Am I really going to know after a 2.5 hour date if I'm compatible with a man? No, I'm not. Yet time and time again, people get so caught up in the "well, he/she didn't totally dazzle me on the first date" trap and move on, possibly letting go of truly potential matches.

This is especially common if you're dating multiple people. It's really easy to get caught up in people who are immediately charming, charismatic, and entertaining who may not have long term potential. These people seem so great and give that impression of chemistry, even though that's actually just their natural personality with everyone.

Anyways, that's a lot of words to say find balance. If someone is a good, but not great, first date, go on a second. Give yourself more time to determine if you have the stuff it takes to be compatible long term, and stop focusing so much on short term feelings like chemistry that can be easily faked. Again, if there's actually red flags or it's a solid "no," don't keep entertaining someone, but just don't discount someone because they're not as charming as the man you went out with two nights ago.

SavvyInNYC · 2021-01-06T09:00:53+00:00

I have to get to know someone before I can form a really deep attraction to them. So I tend to cast a wider net.

Vmwvi · 2021-01-06T05:47:29+00:00

Personally, I go from the physical attraction. If you aren't attracted, why would you ever want to be dating them? In my pick-me stages, I did "cast a wide net" and I caught trash. I could see it was trash from a mile away, I knew it was trash, I knew that there was no way I'd be comfortable with trash for the rest of my life, and yet I reeled it in. Thank god it was restricted to pickme behaviour and time wasting crushes. It normally takes some time to develop an attraction for me, or for me to even notice a person exists, so not exactly "instant", but "chemistry" is 100% required. They are nature's cues for reproductive, sexual and behavioural compatibility.

enemy0freality · 2021-01-06T09:03:15+00:00

Recently, I've read/heard something about butterflies/the tingles not being a good sign, because they're basically an anxiety response. It could be that your body is reacting to some red flags that your subconscious picked up.

For this reason, I would take butterflies with a grain of salt, beside this, I very rarely get them because I need to warm up to people platonically first to feel sexual attraction. If I like someone, it's more of a neutral "like": I think this person is awesome and I genuinely enjoy their company. Example: I didn't want to rip my bf's clothes off the first time I met him (although I am ridiculously attracted to him now). What I did feel was an instant sympathy, I wanted to get to know him better, to spend more time with him, to become friends even.

Alpha_Aries · 2021-01-06T07:21:48+00:00

After dating fit men who can go all night, no more dating chubby guys for me! :)

Karthasis11 · 2021-01-06T09:45:07+00:00

One time I gave a guy the benefit of the doubt and it was horrible. Don't get me wrong, I had also horrible experiences with gut feeling guys, but at least have get butterflies out of it.

_tinyimp · 2021-01-06T06:23:39+00:00

I’d PREFER the butterflies but my dating history says otherwise. If I felt comfortable with a guy (or felt better than him) I was less insecure the whole relationship. But in the end I craved the butterflies and would leave.

Imaginary_Bed_2572 · 2021-01-06T13:12:56+00:00

The sexual attraction is what makes the distinction for me between a platonic relashionship and a romantic relationship, so yeah, definetly want butterflies foe dating

99power · 2021-01-06T07:17:17+00:00

Neither? I’m not the type to pursue things just by following physical responses. Clear a minimum bar physically, and I’m good.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-01-06T15:24:49+00:00

If I look at a guy and he takes care of himself well, I’ll give him a chance even if there’s no sparks. Lol but tbh for me there’s never any sparks and there’s never any immediate chemistry for me either. (I’ve just never felt that and I’ve never had casual sex for religious reasons but mostly that I just can’t get into someone until I’m really comfortable with them).

I didn’t think my current partner was “sexy” or “hot” on our first date. But I could see he wore nice khakis, a collared shirt that was clearly ironed and his shoes and watch coordinated leather and metal colors. I could tell he had put effort into styling his hair, his nails were short and clean, and he had good dental hygiene. The first date was thoughtfully planned, he didn’t touch his phone and he made so much eye contact with me it actually made me nervous because I wasn’t used to it. But, I definitely didn’t see myself having sex with him, and there wasn’t enough attraction developed at that point to where I even wanted to kiss him at the end of the date. But after several dates that attraction absolutely developed and the sparks became more like fireworks. Now I think he’s insanely attractive and I can’t wrap my head around how I didn’t see it from the start.

I think that going by the “spark” misleads people because a lot of LVM are unpredictable and exciting so they generate that spark and those butterflies because they are PUAs who practice getting you to like them instantly. I think a lot of HVM are more confident in themselves and what they bring to the table so they aren’t out there metaphorically rubbing sticks together in a desperate attempt to get you to feel a fast spark and want them immediately. HVM know your trust and attraction need time to develop fully and they are patient without being pushy.

miwamus · 2021-01-06T17:49:47+00:00

I know the second I see a guy if I want to have sex with him or not. If it's a no it's a forever no. But what's attractive to me is not necessarily attractive to others.

StoicPixie · 2021-01-06T06:20:20+00:00

I'm definitely in the "give them a chance" camp, but I think everyone's sexuality is different. When I first met my current boyfriend, I couldn't figure out if I was attracted to him or not. Once I started to see that he was sensitive, thoughtful, shy (that's my type lol) I began to see him in a different way and have become more attracted to him physically over time, BECAUSE of who he is. It's been like this in all my relationships; personality and what they have to offer equals attraction. When I'm in love, I notice new things about my partner that I find beautiful as the days go on. I know that all sounds terribly cheesey and lame, but that's how I feel.

circescircus · 2021-01-06T06:44:10+00:00

I'm not going to take off my pants and sit on a guy's face just because I think he is handsome or physically attractive. I think most women are that way. But I need to find him generally attractive for there to be potential for me to feel sexual attraction.

I didn't feel overwhelming chemistry, butterflies or tingles when I met my husband for example. I did think he was handsome and easy to look at, but that wasn't enough for me to feel sexual attraction. The first time I saw him wear a 4 piece suit, I thought "damn" (definitely felt sexual attraction in that moment for the first time) but again I'm not gonna act on it without gathering more information, actually being in a relationship, etc. I'm not going to let myself catch feelings for someone who is bad for me, someone who is not even my boyfriend, just because he looks sexy in a suit.

I've never really ever felt chemistry or butterflies with anyone. I used to think there was something wrong with me because of it, but now I realize that it's a good thing and god knows how many traumatic experiences I avoided because I don't feel butterflies for anyone.

I have done the "give him a chance" thing when family friends aggressively tried to set me up with someone. Out of peer pressure. But those types of guys are so fucking unpleasant, even just on a 1st date, that they never got a 2nd date. I have burned bridges with people because I refused to give their loser cousin/friend a 2nd date. Good riddance, y'know? I don't need people like that in my life.

warinmymind94 · 2021-01-06T07:26:54+00:00

I appreciate the very attractive "eye candy" men but I've never dated them. In college one really was into me I liked him so much but his personality was awful. We had a snow day at school once and everyone their ended up sledding. He saw me and walked over and took my sled (and I was sharing it with my girl friend) his other move on me was so cringey he'd try to make negs about me to people nearby and the last straw was when he acted seemingly nice and pulled a chair for me to sit, and as I'm going to sit down he purposely pulled the chair back and I fell on my butt in a crowded area. He laughed. So many people stared. I got up and brushed myself off and called him out as his friends watched. My friend several tables awa had seen I fell and came running over to make sure I was okay. She saw me telling him off and went WTF dude seriously why would you do that? He started actually tearing up and ran off. I'm open to mildly attractive men or better but really my major factor is personality. I like well groomed men and men that can dress nicely.

pinkcloudzzz · 2021-01-06T07:53:54+00:00

If it’s on OLD, I don’t go based on butterflies, but once it’s in person I have to feel something.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-01-06T16:24:28+00:00

I only date someone I'm friends with awhile and let the chemistry develop. Both of these choices are on the extreme side.

honeybeeroll · 2021-01-06T18:11:29+00:00

I voted for the butterflies one, because the last guy I dated I did think was cute, but I was not 100% sexually attracted to him. I gave it a brief shot because he and I matched up on some very important moral points, but I could never really get into him. Part of it was the sexual attraction, and the rest was he was low effort in some ways. This was when quarantine started and I just discovered FDS, and ladies here talking about the efforts their guys were making during quarantine helped me put a name to what felt off about him, that he was low effort.

West-Cook · 2021-01-06T19:16:44+00:00

I would say neither, though closer to the “cast a wide net” type...

In my dating and even casual hookup history, I’m generally friendly with someone for months or even years before seeing them as a potential partner. (Examples, my husband was a classmate I recognized as good looking, but I wasn’t interested in dating until I interacted with him for a few class projects over a couple months. A previous flame ran in the same social circles as me for years in college, but we didn’t get together until afterward.) I do have a type, but it has to do with personality—someone who is deeply interested in various things, that wants to share with me and also wants me to share with him my interests, who is focused and determined, and who treats me well as just friends. They also have to be decently attractive, but I generally become more attracted with personality.

2021-01-06T22:15:09+00:00

I go back and forth with my mindset. The end result is the same: garbage.

gingerwabisabi · 2021-01-07T05:09:41+00:00

There's research showing women need to enjoy a man's natural smell in order for the chemistry to be good. It is and was very hard for me to be attracted to the vast majority of men out there, partly because scrotes but also I strongly believe because most men drown their natural scent in chemical smells as opposed to being clean. The two men I've dated seriously, including my husband, were not fans of wearing much fragrance and I liked the way they smelled. I have also passed on many guys who either wore scents or who smelled bad to me.

Delicious_Comfort000 · 2021-01-06T10:12:37+00:00

Nah. I have to like them at first.

mitzislippers · 2021-01-06T17:49:57+00:00

Ehhh sorta in between.

Defiant_Refuse_4726 · 2021-01-06T18:44:53+00:00

I only date men who i have an immediate response too. The guys I go for aren't necessarily conventionally attractive either. I gravitate towards men with compelling faces and different features ^{,^/}

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-01-07T00:40:18+00:00

My “instant gut attraction” is the remnants of my dysfunction and normally means he’s bad news. I don’t date guys that I find physically hideous just to “give them a chance” but I don’t base things on my first physical response to looks. It ends badly every time lol. If they’re passably attractive, I’ve learned that a good personality and connection will make them the hottest man on earth to me if it grows in that direction.

DV_throwaway19675 · 2021-01-07T18:40:04+00:00

I only date men who I'm viscerally attracted to becuase deep down I believe that they have nothing more to offer than that.