Lost a friend over a LVM.
I went on two dates with a LVM. Now let me state where I went wrong first:
I made the mistake of offering to pay for dinner on our second date because we talked about equality and going dutch. Ladies, I know. Never again will I do that. Trust me my standards have changed drastically.
Now onto him. When I proposed paying for dinner he said he was fine with it with a smile, but when the time came he took the check. I reminded him our agreement, he got visibly upset and said no. I didn’t like that because despite my mistake, what he said he would do didnt line up with his actions. I promise it wasn’t a power move on my part.
He and I decided we wouldn’t see each other again, and I told her my reasoning was for what I just stated above. She then told me I was being unreasonable and made all sorts of excuses for him. Even “he could have had a neurological moment!” ?????
This ended up being a 6 hour argument about MY standards and it all happened during the first night of my birthday trip. And it was just me and her. I learned another lesson and I will never engage in combat like that ever again about what makes me feel safe and comfortable.
During that unnecessarily long argument, she decided to bring up a conversation we had in the middle of our planning session weeks prior. I’m surprised while she tells me that when we were talking about what I wanted in a partner how I was being outrageous then.
What did I tell her?
“I’m working on attracting a partner who can take charge of their healing. A person who can recognize when they’re needing help and not internalize it all but see asking for help as a form of strength. I know he exists, because I’m doing that work.“
“I’m doing well for myself now, but I still have more goals I plan on achieving. My dreams will be supported and I’ll support his, and I will have a partner who is financially secure. Even if he doesn’t love where he is now, he doesn’t blame the world for his current circumstances and is working toward that goal.”
Her: Dont you think you’re being too high-maintenance?
She hated all that and even told me my “men are trash” mindset is unhealthy. I was so confused because not only did I think that was a common sentiment among women, but also she said the same shit about men/is still in a long-standing dead end relationship that she was always asking me advice about/and had the nerve the next day for us to meet up with her gay best friend (he was such a sweetheart) and talk to him about trash men and say men were trash!!!!
When she called me HM, I took it as an insult then, but being high-maintenance doesn’t mean you’re just an unrealistic bitch. I’m a bitch with my emotional boundaries in order. I’ve been thriving since dropping that satellite of judgment. People can stay mad or catch up and get with the program they envy so much. Sis was projecting HARD, and when our mutual friend told me what he thought about her actions, I felt loved and he was proud of me for how far I had come and for sticking to my standards because I wasn’t hurting anyone. <<< keep those friends!
Grieve the losses of these friendships, or even create space and distance for you to determine when you decide to associate with them again.
It didn’t feel great to lose a friend I had known for almost a decade, but I worked through that pain and let time heal that wound. I can now wish her well without wanting to tell her what I really felt. I can even let go of the fact that she cancelled the following friendsgiving afterwards because of me (mutal friend confessed this) and for the fact that she never returned the shoes she borrowed from me at the end of our trip. And lemme tell you, I could hold a helluva grudge. But it’s the anger and guilt that ages you. I’m staying well slept and moisturized!
I’ve made affirmations that I only permit my gravitaional pull to accept people who do the internal work or else they will be expelled from my spaces of abundance. You have to champion for you especially when others try to cut your head to feel taller. Not for 6 hours though lol!