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Eye Opening.

May 25, 2021
4911 upvotes
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[–]ZeniiteFDS Newbie 393 points394 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

This to me is also an indication of how many of us have been socialized to view other women as competition and that we’re always needing to one-up them in one way or another (divide and conquer, anyone?). I’ve heard other women in my field criticizing beautiful and successful women like J Law — not for her having done anything wrong or mean-spirited, but for simply “trying too hard”, and that ain’t it. That’s not how we should be towards our fellow women simply because they’re more successful than us. But… I think back in my own “I’m not like other girls” phase, I was also a “I get along better with guys than girls” type of girl, roughly 10 years ago. After spending this past decade becoming more and more aware of how these men who act like they want to be my “friend” aren’t always as honest and genuine as I had initially believed and wanted to believe, I‘ve realized there’s more genuine care and support in my friendships with women because — guess what? They’re not trying to f*** me. They’re actually looking out for me, whereas it feels like when men are looking out for me, it tends to come from a place of wanting to separate me from their male competitors or to groom me to loosen my boundaries and provide them easier access to sex.

[–]tonha_da_pamonhaFDS Apprentice 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is it right here

[–]shinyjewelsFDS Apprentice 494 points495 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Boys are allowed to be seen as individuals, but girls have to consider how their individual actions affect the rest of womanhood.

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5FDS Newbie 88 points89 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah it's exhausting.

[–]Apricot_IbexFDS Newbie 58 points59 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I feel this is even worse for WOC, at least in the US. White guy makes a mistake? Only judgment is on him as a person, especially professionally speaking, but really in every detail of life, from wardrobe to parenting to hobbies. He’s not the “ambassador” for shit; he gets to be his own person with no pre-judgments.

Meanwhile, they’d rip a WOC limb to limb, call her a “diversity hire” or a bad mom over nothing, or fetishize her every move based on something she’s wearing or how she wears her hair. And yet men are still so fragile at any hint of criticism that floats their way. They’d curl up into a ball if they were placed under such constant scrutiny.

[–]shelballamaFDS Newbie 141 points142 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've never really considered this, this is a great point. It's not even so much about needing to stand out as it is to separate from the vapid, "annoyingly girly," "nagging wife" etc tropes we so often see

[–]McccyFDS Disciple 142 points143 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Also we believe that if we distance ourselves from women, we'll somehow be 'safe' and men won't see us as targets, like they see other women.That they'll respect us if we're 'one of the guys'

I feel like we all go through this stage and wake up from it around our 20s

[–]azureangel35FDS Apprentice[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

sweet jesus I wish I woke up in my 20s 🙃

[–]lolmemberberriesFDS Newbie 30 points31 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I woke up in my twenties when I realized that men in general don't respect you and won't protect you if you're not one of them.

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As an extreme "I'm not like other guys, I'm one of the guys type of cool girl" pickmeisha in my teens and early 20s, I can say with no doubt that men don't respect us more if we're "one of the guys". But I was a clown and thought that would give me "bonus points" 🤡🤡🤡

[–]ArugulaIsAwesomeFDS Apprentice 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I literally had a guy friend who would issue me “cool points” whenever I said or did masculine/mysogynistic things.

I shutter at it now. So cringy.

[–]zazaleazFDS Newbie 114 points115 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Internalized misogyny is the real deal. I'm in my 40s, so I am very forgiving of young women and mistakes I myself used to make as well. Whether it's "pick me" or "not like the other girls" or whatever, it all boils down to internalized misogyny. You can't see the water when you're swimming in the ocean.

I also remember being in my 20s and finding my first online feminist forum and the women there being so dismissive of me. I won't be like that. I understand what it's like to grow up in our world and have empathy for young women who are still trying to figure it out.

[–]badnewsbroad76FDS Apprentice 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm in my forties too and can definitely relate. I had similar issues with some older women when I was younger when I tried to reach out and will be damned if I turn around and do the same!

[–]laffytaggyFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep. I was talking to my mom about a relative that has pick me tendencies. She housed/cared for a guy for years while he was in grad school, he left her after graduated. Many other sad situations that left her broken, including abuse. My mom warned here constantly not to provide for men or to sacrifice for someone not committed to her. But I explained to my mom that she simply didn’t know better and her intentions were pure..she just wanted love and thoughy being supportive was what lovers do. I don’t think that makes her a bad person. Sure she was naive and didn’t know what dealing with men is truly like beyond the surface... I feel compassion towards her.

[–]lunarfulminateFDS Newbie 102 points103 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I identify with this so hard. When I was a kid I literally told friends to think of me as a boy because I had nothing in common with feminine stereotypes and the people around me treated me so badly for being female and not being feminine. They literally made me think I wasn't a girl because I had a whole-ass personality of my own and everyone around me was like "girls don't like the things you like, girls don't dress the way you dress, girls don't act the way you act" right in front of me doing all those things.

[–]BetterDeparture436FDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Feminity of the horseshit kind is crammed down our faces before we even begin to walk! I can remember hating the girls side of the toy aisles when we would go shopping for our toys. The world is trying to mold who we are and what we can be since forever, gender roles upon gender roles heaped upon us....let people live and be who they are ffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok rant off

[–]MixWideFDS Newbie 339 points340 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is why I am patient and kind toward the girls who are Not Like Other Girls.

Eventually you realize that the image of "girl" you've been fed is one made by and for men. It's fake. It exists to sell things and to groom you.

Think about all the tropes about female characters in media that you absolutely can't stand, all the examples of a girl character that you can't relate to or find anything interesting about. Now ask yourself how many of those were written by men.

Of course most girls go through a Not Like Other Girls phase. They are, rightfully, rejecting the image of Girl that they've been presented with...because it's man-made horseshit.

[–]BetterDeparture436FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This !!

[–]ohmiraFDS Apprentice 69 points70 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This hurts - I really lost so much during my teens. If I counted the hours spent hating myself and what made me ‘girly’, it would equal years.

All you young FDS’rs please take time to unlearn what hurts you and learn to love yourself. You’ll never regret giving your years to yourself and not lvms and the patriarchy.

[–]azureangel35FDS Apprentice[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

me too sis 🕉

[–]WkndwhorechataFDS Apprentice 190 points191 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Thinking about how I haven't encountered the phrase not like other boys 🤔

[–]asianinindiaFDS Newbie 227 points228 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

No it exists. They call themselves Nice Guys.

[–]Connect_Chipmunk_691FDS Newbie 90 points91 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Or they'll say things like, all men are assholes but not me! Usually accompanied by a laugh or a laugh emoji. And the ones who say it like that are actually assholes themselves which you will usually find out at some point.

The guys I've seen who aren't actual assholes don't talk like that typically.

[–]midwesternwindsFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But even then, it's not based on their hatred and mistrust of men as a whole. Nice Guys hate women too, women who reject them or might reject them.

Nice Guys and pickmes both are sexist. Even men don't truly get a male version, the misogyny is just sp deep rooted in all cultures.

[–]straightouttashtetlFDS Newbie 162 points163 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

It's such a mindjob because you find out your uniqueness is not based upon, you know, qualities that confirm you're an actual human being and in a way you might feel crushed when you're younger. Because the illusion of uniqueness feels gone, but girls and women should absolutely remember their uniqueness is within their foundation and not because of the complexities behind being human. It's so insidious.

[–]VikingDotterFDS Apprentice 144 points145 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I love the realization I had a few years ago: uniqueness, worthiness, loveability, they are inherent. You don't have to try so hard. You have them already. You don't have to prove them. You don't have to do anything. On your worst days, you have them just as much as on your best days. When I understood that, my old habit of chasing validation slowly started to erode because I no longer need someone to point out that I'm this or I'm that to feel unique, worthy, loveable. Receiving compliments is honestly nothing special anymore, it's just hearing others express their opinion of me. Of course I'm still grateful for their compliments but I'm mostly grateful that they see me, as cocky as it will sound, correctly and the way I see myself.

My mother always told me I didn't see myself accurately. A while back, she said I seemed so much happier and that I seemed to finally be at peace with myself. I truly am.

[–]gcthwyFDS Apprentice 60 points61 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

“Uniqueness, worthiness, and loveability are inherent” I really needed to hear this today, thank you queen!

[–]VikingDotterFDS Apprentice 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Anytime, love 🥰

[–]orangeboobertFDS Apprentice 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Needed to hear this, too. Thank you ❤️

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I almost have tears in my eyes. I needed this years ago but I also needed this today. Thank you queen.

[–]VikingDotterFDS Apprentice 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hi queen, I’m so glad you read it ❤️ I don’t know you, but I know you’re worth so damn much and that I’d be lucky to ever meet you. Please have a great day and refuse to forget your worth, okay? ❤️

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much. I don't know you either but feel you're very inspiring 💖 Have an amazing day too!

[–]Amphy64FDS Newbie 47 points48 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because women are viewed as existing for men's gratification under patriarchy and brainwashed into making themselves as much into one-dimensional caricatures of people as possible, even when they have to swallow down their feelings to do it. Men too, at the extremes of 'macho' behaviour: gender-performance-as-personality.

I'm not going to apologise to the kind of women, my sister included, who still try to bully me, for not being like them. LibFems who were the epitome of 'like other girls', aka patriarchal conformity and pickme-ish behaviours, invented the phrase to shame non-conforming women. I can see the reasons, the insecurities the conditioning creates and preys on, and that it's not desirable for women to feel they have to be that.

[–]lansburysodaFDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m so glad I grew up reading books about girls & women written by women. If I were only immersed in our current cultural zeitgeist, I would probably hate myself completely

[–]playtonotloseFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Any recommendations?

[–]lansburysodaFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I grew up reading a lot of literature from and about the 19th & early 20th centuries. For young girls I recommend American Girl books, Dear America books, Anne of Green Gables, etc. For older girls and women anything by the Brontë sisters, Jane Austen, George Eliot, etc.

Women had to be extremely discerning back then because the consequences of letting a LVM into your life could absolutely ruin you. It’s the same way today but libfems love to pretend otherwise because eMpOwweRmenT🥴

I also highly recommend reading “A Woman Is No Man” by Etaf Rum.

[–]Connect_Chipmunk_691FDS Newbie 38 points39 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The other part of this is feeling like you have to prove to men that you're not bitter or hateful in spite of all the trauma and abuse you've been through whether it's mild or extreme. None of it's really mild honestly though. But I feel like there's a lot of mental and emotional abuse to women collectively. I feel like men love it when we empathize with any of them over the things that they've been through and some will be good at returning that but there are a lot who just kind of stop right there and just take the empathy for themselves. Or they find it refreshing if you don't hate all men in spite of all of the crazy s*** you've endured. Or men being bitter and saying that you can't hold all men accountable for the things that you went through even though there's this attitude out there that facilitates us going through the things that we went through the world over. And that it's been in place for generations.

I don't even know how to talk about this anymore because no matter what I feel like somebody's going to put you in a position where you have to justify things or apologize for stuff.

[–]nnanna11FDS Newbie 97 points98 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

i’m so glad i was raised by rad-fems who told me male attention was a waste of time. it doesn’t matter how 'cool’ you are. men will only see you as a sub genre.

[–]fancy_tetrahedronFDS Newbie 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This hits close to home. I remember being a teenager, and even though I liked having long hair and wearing dresses I absolutely hated makeup and thought there was something wrong with me for being this way, I felt like I wasn't a real girl.

[–]kreutzwortraetzelFDS Newbie 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, when everyone tells you "you're not like other girls", why wouldn't you eventually believe them?

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5FDS Newbie 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just wanted to add that sometimes there's an overuse of "you're not like other girls". It's like girls or even grown women aren't allowed to be individuals. I'm talking about the people who assume you're trying to be special or distance yourself from womanhood when you're just being yourself and are in fact like plenty of other girls, just not the ones they're used to seeing around you.

For a girl, both conforming and not conforming are spun as negative.
You're girly? You get called basic and a tool of your own oppression. You're not girly? You get called nlog and assumed to have internalized misogyny.

[–]inflingbioFDS Newbie 58 points59 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for posting this.

I never viewed my tomboy-side in any relation to other women.

It was men on dating apps who pointed it out. And it confused the hell out of me, but not for too long.

And I certainly am not that way with the intention of having this twisted into "I can take advantage of her".

In that regard I was never different from any woman on this planet.

Some of those men who tried regretted fast.

And yes, I like sports and make-up free as much as I like dresses and getting my nails done.

The fact that this coMpLeXiTy blows men away tells me everything I need to know about them.

[–]Connect_Chipmunk_691FDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For a lot of us that we're not like other girls face is also like we're not like those bitter feminists who hate men even though we've gone through horrible abuse and everything! There are a lot of men who are pleased with that and are more concerned with that than they are with all the stuff that you've gone through. And usually your personal experiences are dismissed in some manner and even if you make a case for how women around the globe are still going through this stuff and how women have been going through this stuff for generations doesn't seem to compute at all for them. You still get flack about generalizations. Meanwhile all of us are 'entitled'.

[–]Ancient-CucumberFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sometimes it's that, other times it's "i'm not vanilla" when they say they are not like the other girls, and other times it means they are not "materialistic", which, they think it makes them special, but they make the mistake of extracting their feeling of specialness by not expecting much.

[–]likearealreptileFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

also: “i’ve seen the way you treat other girls, and i would like to not be treated that way”

[–]badnewsbroad76FDS Apprentice 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Maybe I'll be spared!"

[–]lolmemberberriesFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's an embarrassing phase that I hope every young girl or grown woman grows out of, I cringe when I think of my teen years.

[–]vvioletwwitchThrowaway Account 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes! Also, men like to make us feel bad about having feminine interests so many women likely don’t want to be “like other girls” because they’ve been told to find it shameful

[–]AT_BaneFDS Newbie 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s easy. Thinking you’re not like the other girls is a manipulative ploy to have you conform. You instead become a pick me.

[–]Aksentia_IvanovitchaFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nice.

[–]frostedgemstoneFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And now “bimbo culture” is trying to say that women can be both the one-dimensional stereotype and someone with independent thoughts and interests. Oh what will libfem come up with next I wonder

[–]midwesternwindsFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, but some NLOG are just pickmes who want male approval at any costs. I don't think all of them deserve the benefit of the doubt when some openly and cheerfully support misogynistic men ideologies and brag about how they're better than women who like female closed stuff- which men already do not need help with! They shouldn't get off the hook just for being women IMO. Patience yes, but I don't support their right to trash other women as a cope.

I side eye anyone who thinks they are superior to me or other women because I prefer women's company, read fairy tales, wear pink, hate sports, prefer wine to beer, or whatever.

[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

"A recipe from 1688 described the cosmetic as a mixture of water, vinegar, and lead. The cosmetic's use of white lead as a pigment caused lead poisoning, damaging the skin and causing hair loss. Usage over an extended period could cause death."

Women had been told by men to be of service in part by beautifying themselves in toxic and wasteful ways for centuries. Then men predictably complain about the consequences. Lead reduces IQ, women had to use it in their faces. Men complain that women aren't as smart as men. The time and self-hatred going towards helping men with their erections cannot go towards productive enterprises that serve women.

Living to satisfy men is optional (and damaging).

[–]laffytaggyFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What about women that think they’re so different/better than “pick mes” bc they don’t “chase” men? I find the women most vocal about this and aren’t FDS minded are actually pick mes and don’t know it. I have a friend like this and when others discuss their problems with boyfriend/husbands she always says it would never be her blah blah. I’d rather address the issue/dilemma someone is facing and not say what I would do in a friends situation. And that friend does stuff with men that are so cringe bc she tries to act cool and go with the flow..accepts situationships with guys that wont commit and will see them for years, goes on vacas with guys and splits/covers costs🤮

[–]beatlefreak_1981FDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this but also when I say I'm not like other girls it's usually to fight assumptions like all of us want kids or like makeup or dresses or whatever. I kind of see it as a way of saying don't make assumptions based on my sex because we are all different. I never thought of it as a way to cut other women down but I can see how it can be taken that way.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Reminds me of this hilarious video https://youtu.be/k75QauTemhI

[–]gasolinedrinksFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Damn.

[–]MissGalaxy1986FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so sad and true!!! I too went through this phase but it included questioning my sexuality even though deep down I knew I was straight. I’m not like those other girls mentality is also a secret way to signal to men that you are a rare breed. Part of the reason I tried to be bi was just to be more attractive to men... there was definitely a sincere component to my exploration there but a big part of it was upping my attractiveness (or so I thought)... oh sigh yes I admit my path to self-discovery hasn’t always been very noble

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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