For those who don’t want to marry/live together, (esp over 35), how do you apply FDS?

katiekat0214 · 2021-09-27T12:57:39+00:00

I'm 53, childfree, retired early, but I get this and understand where you're coming from. I've already been married twice (divorced 90s, remarried and happy second time for 17 years, until his death in 2016). Both were childfree men, too. Knew from single digits I wanted to get married and be happy; also knew I never wanted kids, so I always felt I had a vocation for marriage.

But having been a step-child, it's just something that's never wanted by any kid, no matter how nice or kind the step-parent is, so I for one would never try to blend a family. I know for me, I'd never want to be a step-parent, which is one of the most hated roles in all of Western family history. What would work for me is living apart, keeping finances separate. And I say that as someone who's already married twice, who has assets I want to protect, and who just knows I would not be a good parent in any capacity.

I think given FDS, you have to be extremely clear about what you want and what would work for you and your family, and not budge an inch, especially if it goes against societal expectations and norms, like living apart. Once you actually know what you want and like, what would give you joy, the way forward is pretty clear: date until you find a man that that also delights. For me, this would look like another strong introvert who's also territorial, who's probably been married before, who adores me and I him, who doesn't want to marry again, who just wants long-term, monogamous companionship, sex optional, but a loving, kind, true companion for life so we can have adventures and get into mischief together. Makes me feel all warm when I say it!

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-09-27T14:45:38+00:00

I’m in the same boat. Divorcing and raising a daughter. I absolutely will not be dating or allowing a rotation of men in and out of my children’s lives. My daughter is 8, so in ten years she’s an adult but she may still be living at home after she turns 18 for a while, who knows.

By the time I start considering another relationship I will be 45, and will have hopefully just become or will shortly thereafter be a empty nester. I’m not sure if at that point in my life I’ll want to shuffle around and look into accommodating another adult in my living space. I think I might be more prone to have a relationship with a man who also had high stakes in his life and was happy to live apart and maintain his own space.

I get a lot of companionship in my family, friends and pets so the guy would really have to bring real joy to me. Otherwise I want to focus on my art and interests, my pets and live in peace guiding my adult children and strengthening my non romantic relationships.

kinkardine · 2021-09-27T15:51:59+00:00

I decided not to cohabit with anyone again, I myself even with my own parents was walking on eggshells all the time at my home. I have a boy, so the role model I bring to him will be extremely important, it is difficult to find a man who does not have an addiction or disorder, till this day I am yet to find a dad who does not huff and puff/are passive aggressive taking care of their own kid, so do not want to put my kid into a step kid situation. My kid is happy, have full reign in our home, and I want him to feel safe in his home.

Also there is consideration for finance. My career and finance took a hard hit after I became a widow, it took me 4 yrs to get back on track, I do not want to change my agenda, and be dependent on any other person just for the sake of loneliness. I would rather selfishly take care of me.

And regarding partnering, I want to date for me, I am not looking for another parent to raise my kid. Maybe will start looking when kid is 18. My driving instructor told me why would a guy be in love with you if he can’t live with you - and after reading FDS posts, it hit me, if I can’t provide any housekeeping/catering service it will be difficult to have a relationship. If I want to take care of a man child - it is pretty easy to have a relationship though. There is another group of men who wait for solo moms to have discreet fun, they know we sometime need to release our hormone and they want to be on the rotation.

FDS helped me a lot to identify and remove any form of situation ship. Maybe I will meet someone who loves himself(deep down men know they hate themselves, so they will despise anyone who loves them), is disciplined, communication frequency same and self aware enough to identify common values, enjoys to be with me, if not, I love my solitude and peace more than anything in this world.

CatSweets · 2021-09-27T13:35:09+00:00

I'm 31, never married, no kids - and I don't want any of those things. My ideal relationship would be a monogamous one without cohabitating. I've said these things before on this sub, and some women said that it won't be possible for me to find a single HVM that is not marriage-minded, and that the type of relationship I want is more common/possible for older people, who are divorced or widowed and have grown children already.

I'm not dating right now and I don't know what the future holds, but I'll be using FDS anyway to weed out men who only want easy sex or a bangmaid.

keylemonpie · 2021-09-27T15:04:02+00:00

First of all congrats to you, u/sewingmachinesavior, for putting your girls first and refusing to live without being married. It's not worth the chance of a predator taking advantage of them. I am also in my 40s, recently widowed and just started dating again. Since my child lives on their own, I'm undecided on living together. I also don't want to be a stepparent again unless his children are on their own also. I have a checklist if my own needs and wants. Growing up in a strict religious/patriarchal family, it has been tough to set boundaries. FDS has helped me to know my worth and not to settle. You are valuable, you are important. Put yourself first.

Technusgirl · 2021-09-27T13:03:40+00:00

I totally agree with you, your children's safety is what is important and unfortunately it's true about the statistics with stepfathers. I was abused by my stepfather growing up and my sister was molested. You just never know. Sometimes you think you can really trust a guy and then they go a do something heinous and unfortunately the poor child is traumatized for life. It's best not to live with someone unless you are married when you have children involved.

nanofarm · 2021-09-27T21:30:59+00:00

I use FDS to preserve my peace. For the moment that means not dating at all. But in the past it had kept the quality of my interactions with men high. This means that even though my last relationship ended, I didn’t over extend myself. I came out of it with self esteem and bank account intact and walked away when it didn’t benefit me any more. I don’t see this as a loss of a relationship, I see it as a sign of successful vetting.

sexualfoodpantry · 2021-09-27T12:59:59+00:00

It's a tricky situation because you still have girls at home, which could become an issue if you marry, and if you don't, it could very easily lead you to a long-term situationship with a low value man, who is emotionally unavailable, just wants to waste some time and does not intend to marry ever.

Part of a female dating strategy is knowing when not to date.

_mooness · 2021-09-27T15:46:03+00:00

I’m 29 single childfree and plan to keep it that way while I grow my career over the course of the next 5 years. I use FDS to vet friends because I’m not interested in being friends with pickme’s or lvm. Sometimes you can’t avoid these people, like at work and such, so I use FDS to target the lvm’s and their enablers, and I use other techniques to emotionally distance myself from those people.

I use FDS for sisterhood, I feel like I belong to a greater collective and that’s helped me feel less isolated throughout this pandemic.

I use FDS to size up my girlfriends/sisters romantic interests, and if they ask for my opinion on the guy they’re seeing I’m honest with them if I think he’s trash. I’ve spread FDS to 3 women in my life and they’ve all thanked me for it.

And finally I use FDS as a reminder and course corrector. The women here remind me everyday to stay on my path to queendom. I have many things I want to achieve in this lifetime and they all require determination and discipline. FDS helps me keep my focus on that razor sharp.

awhileagonow · 2021-09-27T16:15:21+00:00

I am mid 40s, never married, one child. I have been through extreme bouts of loneliness in my life but have come through the other side grateful for my self-reliance and happy with the freedom that comes with living alone (even more so when I see some of the awful posts on here from other forums, eg the VR p0rn husband today).

I don't date right now because it is difficult, but honestly I think HVM are more likely than LVM to vibe with your plans. Not only because they are more attentive and respectful by nature, but because LVM in their 40s, 50s are much more likely to be pushing for a live-in arrangement. They will be more interested in the housekeeper/stepmom factor, also the fact that having a wife/live-in partner boosts their value in the eyes of other men (knowing that a middle aged man in a bachelor pad is kinda sad). I think retaining two homes and meeting as and when fits your feelings and your lives has the potential to be a really positive, beautiful thing. There will be HV creative, industrious men who also want their independent space, maybe not for the same reasons as you but equally valid reasons that are important to them. If you make no bones about the other imperatives - commitment, monogamy etc - then you are still actively seeking out a HVM and there is no reason cohabitation needs to be a part of that deal.

Title	For those who don’t want to marry/live together, (esp over 35), how do you apply FDS?
Author	sewingmachinesavior
Upvotes	186
Comments	25
Date	September 27, 2021 12:04 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pwfm0v/for_those_who_dont_want_to_marrylive_together_esp/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/for-those-who-dont-want-to-marrylive-together-esp.1073996 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073996