Getting back out there after 9 months post break up (brutal), have been doing a lot of work and therapy to understand myself, why I stayed, codependency, abandonment trauma- everything in the people pleaser bag of goodies . I am NOT looking or expecting to meet anyone, I’m only on the apps to start testing my progress, Test out my new boundaries and see if I’ve really learned what I think I did. There is only so much that can be done in isolation, eventually you have to start interacting.

And I’m so flipping irritated. It’s been a day! I’ve been picky about who I swiped, I set my preferences for certain criteria, I’m chatting with several at once and asserting boundaries of when I chat, how long, not being too available, etc. and I was doing well. And then I felt it- one man, chat going well, a little too well. I felt myself “pick him”…… it’s this thing I realized I do- I for whatever reason feel like someone is a fit, and I “pick them,” like mentally they become the focus. In this case, he became the chat I wanted to see come through, he’s the one who I got disappointed when I didn’t hear my thing today, he’s the one I wanted to message to remind him I exist. Pick me, pick me!

It’s been A DAY!!! And of course I did send a short “how was your dad?” Be messaged back he was just getting in from work and getting ready for a dinner party. And of course I got all momentarily down, but just said have a great night.

He did nothing wrong, we chatted yesterday, it didn’t mean anything just like the rest of the chats. But something in me picked him to be the one to pick me!

I know it’s good that I’m recognizing it, and calling myself out on it, and I know me being on the app is to test myself for just this. But damnit!! I don’t want that at all anymore, I don’t want to be that girl! I’m pushing 50, I want to be a strong, confident woman - this pick me nonsense ha got to go! Maybe an exorcism-something!