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[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple69 points70 points71 points 4 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link
Ya I don't think it's on you for him to suddenly realize he rushed into a relationship, that's all his fault. I think he's just making excuses for an inability to commit. At least he's letting you know not to take him seriously; he likely wants to play the field for a bit because somehow you don't measure up to his previous relationship, which doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but that he's still fixated on his previous partner.
[+][deleted] 4 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I just think it's shitty of him to have corralled her into a relationship. He had several weeks to think this over leading up to the actual commitment. It means all along he knew he was having doubts. Can't expect men to be mature about things though but at least he let OP go within a couple months rather than a year or so, or after an engagement. She can more easily get over this and not let it derail focus from her personal goals and achievements.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
But what do you think caused the doubts? Him not wanting to get more serious and lose his freedom?
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Probably!
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie-1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
What do you think makes HVM Get afraid of commitment like this?
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
They're just not that into the person or they are focusing on themselves. Does it matter?
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I might impact how u process it
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago* (9 children) | Copy Link
And ya, I get what you're saying. I'm not going to empathize with these men, but it's obvious after they get their heart broken real bad a lot of them want to just be single for a while. I really think women generally tend to have better self-regulation when it comes to handling their response to emotionally charged events, at least as far as the aftermath to it. I mean, we typically tend to get right back on the horse after a breakup or divorce. We have to be strong. Men try to resolve their feelings by going through hedonistic displays of self-destruction. I mean, cavorting with a bunch of women from OLD may be fun for a while, but I'm positive it's got to be empty after you're not finding that real connection.
Men run away from their feelings often tho, lol
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
I completely agree. I think they have a tendency sometimes to ignore the break up (even if they initiated it) and dive into something else without even addressing the issues that made them doubt their last relAtionship.
I guess I just don’t know how to differentiate: how do you know if he’s scared of commitment or just having doubts about you in general? I feel like those two things go hand in hand. I’ve struggled w a fear of commitment for a lot of my life, and it could be the most perfect guy but if he was available to me and really cared for me I’d find SOMETHING wrong to doubt it.
How do you tell it apart
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I don't think it actually matters at this point whether he's in self-discovery mode or just isn't into her. The fact remains he's choosing not to be with her. She deserves more than waiting on some guy to figure himself out. He should be chasing after her if he's really serious about her. He may express regret later on down the road, but that doesn't mean shit if he's not trying 100% to be in a committed relationship with her, and personally, him running away once so early on casts doubts he's to be taken seriously if ever.
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
The AUDACITY some men have to think we'll be waiting around forever for them is so insulting. I really hope OP keeps in mind not to fixate and wait around for a guy that isn't making real efforts to be with her.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Ugh I know. I get why it’s hard for her though.
This guy just doesn’t seem to want to commit to ANYONE. If he’s a HVM, He definitely has the capacity to commit and be a good guy. But she really shouldn’t wait around
OP - what happened during the break up? Like what did you say back to him
[–]WildTendernessFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
We sat down together and he told me a bit about his relationships and told me that he never really got a proper break in between them. He then told me we should end the relationship so he can have some time off and 'recover' from him constantly seeking validation from others.
I wanted to ask why he couldn't do that while in the relationship but I decided not to. I told him that I respect his self awareness and willingness to change, and then we parted ways.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Did you say you’re going to stay friends?
This really doesn’t seem like it has anything todo with you
[–]WildTendernessFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yea, I know it has nothing to do with me, he also said that multiple times. He asked to stay friends but I told him that it doesn't work for me.
[–]SarcasmSlideFDS Disciple62 points63 points64 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is the part that really stood out for me, beloved.
I definitely plan on working on myself during this period of recovery, but deep down I'm hoping that someday we'll be able to be in a relationship again. Would that be appropriate or realistic?
This is problematic. He has clearly communicated that this relationship isn’t what he wants. Whatever reasons he’s given for that are irrelevant at this point. You’re hanging on and hiding behind hope. Please don’t do that. Take it on the chin, process your disappointment (because I recognize it’s immensely disappointing), and move forward. It sounds like this is an important time for your growth and learning to let go. I wish you peace.
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My thought is when you quote him saying that, he's hoping that he wants her to stick around in case this other option or him dating around doesn't work out. It's a polite way of continuing to keep her around whether he's dating or not.
Op, don't wait around for him. If he really wants you, he'll show you by his actions.
[–]SaddleUpBucephalusFDS Newbie39 points40 points41 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Keep in mind you've only known him for 2 months and any man can keep up that facade for such a short amount of time. It's still the Honeymoon phase and you're idealizing him. If he treated you well, that's great, that means you can attract and develop a relationship with a good guy. But there are others. He let you go, and your life is your own. Build it and forget about him.
[–]circescircusFDS Disciple37 points38 points39 points 4 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
You're projecting your fantasies onto him.
You dated for less than 2 months, and he treated you decently and respectfully during that time, but ultimately should have never even dated you or expressed romantic interest, when he is either emotionally unavailable or just not that into you.
He got what he wanted-- short-term validation from you, and he's moving on. He has said it himself. Why do you call him an "amazing human being"? If a woman did this, acted like a normal and decent person for a few months, then dumped the guy because she's not over her ex and openly admits she dated the man because she seeks validation-- would you think she was an amazing human being?
2 months is not enough time to know a person's true character. He gave you a glimpse of his true character when he dumped you, but you're clinging onto your fantasy.
If you leave the door open for him, he'll lose total respect for you and see you as someone he deals with only when he wants to, when he wants sex or validation. If he reaches out to you and you take the bait, he is not going to respect you or take you seriously. If you get roped into seeing him again, he won't treat you the way he did the first time. He'll just dangle a carrot in front of you. People who seek validation through using other people, don't easily change, without a lot of self-observation, self-awareness and self-work. And most of them never do that work. It's a lot easier to find naive or low self-esteem people to exploit, so few of them address the rot within themselves.
It takes at least 6 months to know a person's true character. That is, 6 months of seeing them almost everyday, seeing them in different situations, slowly getting to know them. A person isn't a HVM or HVW after they dumped someone they just used and exploited for emotional validation, sex and companionship.
He actually showed you his true character before 6 months, but you just don't want to believe it. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Not to sound too harsh, I just don't want you to get (more) hurt. Let this go sis.
I suggest reading the book, "The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship" by Natalie Lue, it goes into a lot of detail about this type of mindset and dating pattern.
[+][deleted] 4 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
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[–]circescircusFDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I read that book a few years ago, and it really helped me to understand a past relationship that ended badly.
[+][deleted] 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]circescircusFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's a great read!
[–]pencilmeinplsFDS Newbie57 points58 points59 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I really believe that if it’s supposed to happen, it will. Don’t force it or “wait” for him. Keep focusing on you and if you’re meant to find your way back to each other, you will.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Just went thru something similar - I think the best thing you can do is let it be. Let him experience being single and if you let him go and be at peace then you never know what’ll happen
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist27 points28 points29 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Agreeing with other posters. Not a HVM. 6-7 weeks is way too soon to make that determination.
OP Don't wait around for this dude or have any hopes of a future with him when HE is ready. He'll most likely break your heart again. All those words he used was just another way to say he's not that into you.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I genuinely feel someone can see your value and not want a relationship
[–]Elegant_FlightFDS Newbie21 points22 points23 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
He’s not that into you.
[–]Lalaland_92FDS Newbie-2 points-1 points0 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I feel like he’s just not into having a relationship
[–][deleted] 97 points98 points99 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I still think he’s just a fuckboy. A gracious and polite fuckboy - but a fuckboy nonetheless. If you really want or value something, you don’t break up with it and hope it’s still there in a year. Forget about him - something else caught his attention.
[–]radical__daphneRuthless Strategist38 points39 points40 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree. Sounds like a fuckboy. This is one of the oldest fake answers to get out of a relationship.
Sounds like some future faking manipulation to to mention the future like that. Somebody who actually respected you would fully let you go not dangle a carrot.
I had a guy who was wonderful and romantic and I fell in love with him. I found out later that he enjoyed making women fall in love with him and having those feelings, and love hormones. He would go through a series of successive relationships that were only six months and then dump the women or get dumped for pulling away. I only realized years later that he just gamed me. I'm not sure that he ever actually loved me. I don't think any of it was about me at all. He had deep insecurity issues and lacked love from his cold, shitty mother.
[–]vp2407FDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would tattoo this behind my eyelids if I could
[–]mantaraymagicAt-Risk Pick Me Youth2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
This! True HVM understand that any worthy partner will not be around for them to just pick up later. Just the assumption that she'll be around for him shows that he thinks she's below him—if he truly saw her as an equal, he'd realize that she's highly sought-after and won't be waiting around pining for him.
Edit: if I've learned anything, it's that timing is not a sufficient obstacle when it's real. Men will move mountains if they believe they've found (someone they believe is) a worthy partner, regardless of timing.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, yes. Timing is not real - it just means he isn’t that interested. Love that you brought the topic up.
[–]AyemHerselfFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He strung you along for 2 months before deciding to be single. That was in his mind the whole time, he didn't suddenly realize he got out of a relationship before you. There's nothing high value about the way he treated you.
We need to stop calling every guy we happen to like a HVM.
[–]surviveIIthriveFDS Apprentice13 points14 points15 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm confused about what makes this guy a HVM? It sounds like he was future faking, got off on the high of a new relationship and then dumped OP probably after they had sex! Am I missing something? I realize OP is still in college and very young so may not understand what we mean when we say HVM. But this ain't it OP!
[–]sweatydeathRuthless Strategist8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Out of curiosity, how often were you two hanging out per week?
[+][deleted] 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]sweatydeathRuthless Strategist5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Ugh I hope you don’t have to see him in class - that’d be super awkward
[–]atxtopdx11 points12 points13 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, and also a little confused. You said you met two months ago and “made it official” after 6-7 weeks of dating. Does that mean he broke up with you within days of the DTR talk? How did that talk come about?
[+][deleted] 4 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]kwallioFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sounds to me like he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear in order to have sex with you. When he found out you meant it when you said you were waiting until marriage he bailed. Sorry, he sounds like a fuckboy to me.
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Was he exclusively dating you before you became official?
[+][deleted] 4 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Okay, don't worry about nevertheless, it's not your problem anymore. Sometimes men come back after they realized they fucked up (or dating isn't working out for them) and they have real feelings for you but FDS advises against taking flaky/indecisive men back. I did that not too long ago and he just became lazy and uncaring in the relationship. Not saying that would necessarily happen for you, just be on guard. REPEATED actions mean more than words.
[–]aclumsygirlAt-Risk Pick Me Youth10 points11 points12 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Sometimes it just doesn't work out, even with HVM. It's not a reflection on you at all. All you can do is move forward with your life. If it's meant to be, he'll be back. If it isn't, then he won't. There's no way at all to know, and you should not wait around for him. There are millions of men out there. Don't fall into the scarcity mindset trap of thinking you'll never find anyone like him again. If you can attract one HVM, you can attract plenty of others.
[–]aclumsygirlAt-Risk Pick Me Youth14 points15 points16 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
He will probably try to stay in touch, and you'll be tempted to do that. But don't. I know it's tough. But it will prevent you from moving on, which you really have to do because you have no control over what he does.
And you have to set your boundary and make him live with the consequences of his decision, which is that he no longer has the benefit of having the wonderful light of you in his life. He HAS to feel that consequence. And cutting him off doesn't reduce the chances of him wanting you back. If anything, it will increase them.
[–]Radtron3000FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ya, u/WildTenderness it may hurt, but don't be surprised if he suddenly ends up in a new relationship with someone else. I'm not saying that's the case, but there's usually more to the story than what they're saying. Good thing is he let you go so you can focus more on what matters.
[–]lilitha134Pickmeisha™️4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He was waiting for you to put out and thought that making it "official" Will change your mind about waiting before marriage. When you didn't change your mind he bailed. Kudos for staying true to yourself. He will probably be contacting you again sooner or later but don't expect much of him. This is the maximum he can give you (and it's doesn't seem much).
[–]Elegant_FlightFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Wow... this response chain is overly obsessive of this guy and is giving him waaaaaaay too much thought.
He doesn’t want to be with you. Yes, it may hurt and it may suck because your infatuation love drugs are high this early on when dating someone/it sucks when someone dumps you. That’s legit, but put your big girl panties on, break contact with him (block the guy) and move on.
You shouldn’t give someone who doesn’t want to be with you this much headspace. Nor should FDS encourage obsessing.
[–]redfarmmmmmFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He’s not HVM. If he was, he wouldn’t have strung you along while his feelings werent in clear order. Kudos for you for getting rid of him.
[–]HighLife0001FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Doesn’t sound like HVM to me. HVM is kind and doesn’t play around with people’s feelings who gives a shit about you. He just has basic manners which you mistake for him being HV
[–]KillChildProcessesFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sorry you feel bad, keep your head up friend :)
[–]AntiCirclesFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
2 months is not enough time to determine if he is a hwm
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