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Henry VIII's wives if they'd never met him

May 7, 2021
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[–]rideoffaloneFDS Newbie 477 points478 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

With their heads attached.

[–]queenagaveFDS Newbie 111 points112 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hahah I was hoping for a comment like thisπŸ˜‚

[–]LoveyouguysbutFDS Newbie 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The whole thing is bloody hilarious!!!

[–]StarbornDancingFDS Newbie 76 points77 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I love that when Christina of Denmark was asked to marry him she reportedly said, "If I had two heads, I would happily put one at the disposal of the King of England", when she was only 16 (and already widowed).

[–]ZayelleFDS Newbie[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What a badass Queen!

[–]laylamiller 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I was waiting for somebody to post this lol

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think Mary of Guise said something similar. Basically no actual princess would marry him after that. Anne of Cleves was comparatively poorer and it was a jump up for her and her family.

After that he had to marry domestic noblewomen pushed forward by their self serving uncles, fathers and brothers

[–]ZayelleFDS Newbie[S] 499 points500 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

This was shared on twitter by historian and author Tracy Borman.

Friendly reminder that you are way better single and ALIVE than in a relationship with an abusive LVM who will do nothing but hold you back and cause you harm.

[–]Professional-Ad-457FDS Newbie 400 points401 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

And it wasn’t their fault they gave birth to daughters because sperm dictates the sex of the fertilized egg. Of course the women got blamed for that too..

[–]Amphy64FDS Newbie 88 points89 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's 'of course' from Henry VIII, but meanwhile across the Channel the throne is just getting passed to distant cousins and it mostly seems to be accepted or at least to function: aristos squabble but when do they ever not. The way they taught us about it in school (am English, so especially feel the impact of the lie on this), along with the 'lol he had six wives, here's a cute chant about what he did to them!', you'd have thought he LITERALLY needed a male heir and that it was absolutely impossible things could be any other way or DISASTER, That Is Just How It Was Back Then, boys were ESSENTIAL, all women were expendable (don't ask too many questions like 'but you just told us there were two ruling Queens right after, though?), but he really is a particular monster.

[–]VmwviFDS Apprentice 73 points74 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not to mention that he had more than one viable heir, but still went on to have six wives in total and a whole bunch of affairs. He had a illegitimate son while still married to the first wife and a son with the third. He could have stopped there but he didn't. His terrible genetics were causing all the miscarriages, but he still blamed his wives.

[–]LunaPlannerFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're so right. I remember learning that stupid divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived chant. I learned about the tudors when I was in year 4. We were much too young (age 8 or 9) to have placed so much focus on Henry VIII. There is loads of great, age-appropriate stuff to learn about the tudors, from the Mary Rose to Elizabeth I but instead we focussed almost all of the lesson time on glamorising this murderer who married much younger women / girls. It was actually a time of extreme religious tension but they didn't think it was appropriate to teach young children about that but somehow Henry VIII was ok.

[–]RestingBitchFace12FDS Newbie 241 points242 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Also the reason why they had so many miscarriages and stillborns has been theorised that he carried an antigen that caused them- not the women.

[–]blaizesparksFDS Newbie 93 points94 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Yes!! And didn't they also pin his 'madness' on that gene as well?

[–]RestingBitchFace12FDS Newbie 84 points85 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh really that’s interesting, I heard it was syphilis, either is plausible πŸ‘

[–]cancerkidetteFDS Newbie 44 points45 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’ve actually heard his changes in temperament came about after that jousting accident which got gangrenous and never healed ☠️

[–]cogsandconsciousnessFDS Newbie 50 points51 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Don't forget this disease-riddled womanizing scrote was old for his time, 45 years old by the time he took his 3rd wife. Old sperm is problematic for healthy conception.

[–]whevblshtFDS Newbie 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

And even older when he married a teenager who had already been sexually abused by men all her life.

[–]laylamiller 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've heard he supposedly had chlymidia. Princess Mary had notoriously poor eyesight and children born to women with untreated Chlymidia can be blind. I think blindness in one eye is a symptom of untreated Chlymidia. Also her fertility issues.

Supposedly Anne figured out that it was him and said something about it.

[–]fromyahootoreddit 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I remember learning that in my later teens and being outraged when I learnt about a king in the bible who killed his wives or babies because they didn't give him a male/weren't born male.

Like God forbid a man and a king at that take responsibility for his own shortcomings. I get that they probably had no idea at that time, but it still annoys me greatly.

[–]gliese710comingatyou 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Still happens in my bloody country

[–]ASmallGardenFairyFDS Newbie 152 points153 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate the nose representation I feel from these ladies.

[–]Guyincognito9876FDS Newbie 57 points58 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Also the gummy smile on Catherine Parr! It me.

[–]FrozenExpanseThrowaway Account 27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Hers is the most happiest looking smile though, don't you think? :)

[–]Mysterious_Midnight7FDS Apprentice 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know right! It's my fave :)

[–]starryvelvetsky 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hers is probably the most truly happy because she outlived that bastard and got to marry the man she actually loved afterward.

[–]freerollerskatesFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Who was also a shitty scrote who sexually abused her teenage stepdaughter, fwiw...

[–]badnewsbroad76FDS Apprentice 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I loooove gummy smiles. They make the world go round..πŸ˜ƒ

[–]LykkeStromFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My bff has this smile! It's so contagious and awesome

[–]_AmarantosFDS Newbie 54 points55 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

same. bottom middle is mine.

[–]Solution_OutrageousFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nose representation is something I never knew I needed.

[–]laylamiller 35 points36 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yo...this motherfucker right here! And Mary Queen of Scots Husband Lord Darnley. They make my blood boil.

I think Henry was a narcissistic sociopath and set Anne up to take the fall for his breaking away from the church. How do you chase a woman for SEVEN YEARS, block her from marrying anyone else and then DECAPITATE HER???????

I always think about this whenever people make romances about a powerful man romancing a woman way below him in social status. I just think: "He's an abuser, or he's coo coo bananas run away!"

That's why I don't date men in intelligence, military or law enforcement. The few I've known have....very misogynistic views on women.

[–]WatzooFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree. Something deeply wrong with this homicidal maniac’s wiring. (And I also had that rule about dating. It never steered me wrong.)

[–]DevilGirl-CrybabyFDS Newbie 27 points28 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Anne Boleyn was one of my fave historical figures.

I wonder how she'd feel, with her head on the block, knowing that hundreds of years later all that still matters is the Heir and the Spare, and that modern princesses would STILL get shit when they had the nerve to have a girl instead.

[–]laylamiller 13 points14 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

She was so awesome. And she's still maligned even today by dumbass people.

[–]DevilGirl-CrybabyFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

"ShE wAs A wHoRe WhO wAnTeD pOwEr." No, she was a fierce woman using every weapon she could to ensure her survival and yes, gain power, just like men do, and what scrote?

[–]laylamiller 21 points22 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Lmao. She refused to be a mistress to a married man. Refused him at every turn until he proposed marriage. And because marriages of the nobility were affairs of state she couldn't marry anyone else without his permission!

Even if he gave her gifts to win her favor and put her friends and family in high offices that's....basically what a king is SUPPOSED to do for his Queen. Her very last existing letter to him says something along the lines of, " You gave me all of this and I never asked for any of it."

Anne couldn't even really safely refuse him anyway. That's what people refuse to get about the whole situation: she had no power. Anne Boleyn was probably the most famous victim of narcissistic sociopathic abuse in the history of such cases. Henry was a tyrant who killed people on a whim anyway. Even before he met her. His reign had the most executions of the Tudor era. (Although Elizabeth came close I believe despite how well regarded she is and her reputation for tolerance.)

Henry VIII was ALSO was planning on getting rid of Catherine of Aragon before Anne Boleyn even came into the picture!

It was just that instead of an English noblewoman he was going to marry some other foreign Queen(probably for another dowry). He was a cheap spendthrift and a regifter to boot(classic narc behavior.) He came to the throne with a surplus and managed to end up in debt very quickly into his reign and his executions were usually followed by property seizure of some kind. He gave Jane Seymour gifts he had given to Catherine AND Anne Boleyn. I loved it how in "Bring Up the Bodies" Thomas Cromwell says, " Who's gonna tell him that if he was never Catherine's husband then he's not entitled to her property?"

Henry VIII only married Catherine because England would've had to give her dowry back to Spain if they sent her back (because officially the marriage to Arthur wasn't consummated.)

Anne did exactly what it socially made sense to do in the situation where she had few options that preserved her reputation! Because she briefly benefited from it she's apparently a power hungry playing hard to get schemer.

[–]DevilGirl-CrybabyFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

God, I can't even imagine having to live like that, and like you said because she briefly got SOME benefit she's EEEEVVVIIILLLLL. Even in The Tudors they portray her almost like a succubus? It boils my blood.

Thankyou for the amazing write up btw, I have screenshot it to read and learn further X

[–]laylamiller 12 points13 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Omg the Tudors. I mean...he's been played by fucking Richard Burton and Jonathan Rhys Meyers and we know he wasn't that sexy IRL.

Historical fiction is so wild tho. I enjoyed The Other Boleyn Girl even tho it was such trash. The same author made Margaret Beaufort, who gave birth to Henry Tudor at 12 and almost died and was known for her charity and piety and chastity into a child murderer Littlefingeresque type of schemer. Historians even have their biases so you gotta keep that in mind when reading it.

I guess it's it's easier to depict as a sexy scheming social climber than as a stalking victim who finally gives in to the predatory advances of her boss who just so happens to have the power of life and death, not just over her but over her entire family. And friends.

The best version I've seen of their whole story is "Anne of the Thousand Days". It shows him as a power hungry sexually harassing nut from the jump basically. And Anne actively runs away from him at one point. She only softens toward him because of Stockholm syndrome pretty much.

[–]DevilGirl-CrybabyFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Jesus Christ, will historians stop being so misogynistic 😠. I will read that immediately though!

[–]laylamiller 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Anne of The Thousand Days is a movie that came out in the 70s based off of a popular stage play. Richard Burton plays Henry VIII and Genvieve Bujold plays Anne. I think it's the best portrayal of her ever put on screen. It shows her intelligence, wit, passion and fiery defience and what a tragedy the whole thing was. It even straight up depicts Henry VIII as a sociopath happily riding off to Jane Seymour's after Anne is beheaded.

Claire Foys performace on the BBC miniseries Wolf Hall is a close 2nd. It's accurate but also depicts her as very unlikable, which she supposedly was once she became Queen but I feel like a lot of that was Hater shit since any time a woman goes up in social status it pisses people off. Especially if she's not "humble". It's basically a Thomas Cromwell biography so...it's biased but we'll acted.

Fun fact: Anne wanted the monasteries dissolved but unlike Henry VIII and Cromwell she wanted the wealth in the monasteries distributed to the common people! She actually had a priest that was sympathetic to reformation ideals(she was a Catholic not a Lutheran she just the church reformed and corrupt practices stopped.) deliver a sermon to Henry VII basically shaming him for taking the wealth from the monasteries and putting into his Treasury. Henry VIII was very upset by this because he wasn't very serious about religion IMO but he was superstitious and easily spooked and being called out on his bullshit like that publically made him very angry(especially since it was unpopular.)

This was shortly before Anne was beheaded on bullshit adultery charges so IMO THATS the real reason why Henry VIII had her killed. Anne really had a lot of compassion for others and I think at a certain point in his relentless stalking she realised if she could become his wife she could possibly use her position to help people particularly the poor since she was a Christian and actually very serious about her faith and like many Christians at the time she was disgusted with the Church's abuses of their power and the way women were treated. There's no evidence that she encouraged his pursuit of her but she probably resisted less after she saw Henry was serious about making his own church and believed the reformist ideals.

Henry did start Cambridge. University, I'm not sure how long after this but it's famously the first University that wasn't limited to members of clergy.

[–]DevilGirl-CrybabyFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow! I had no idea she was so serious in her faith and cared so much about the working class, as a socialist I approve, I have had to recently threaten a strike with my union and I wish I'd known that, I probably would have quoted it. I will check out the film,and see if I can find any copies or recordings of the play. Same with the mini series.

I did an English lit degree and the whole of year 2 was basically doing our own translations of myths,THE AMOUNT of women who were translated badly? Holy shit.

Virgin for example, Artemis was the goddess of virgins, but virgin originally meant a woman who wasn't married to a man, and not bothered about it, Artemis had many female lovers, was a fierce warrior to boot, and from what we read,was widely regarded as a lesbian, so please tell me why, men, did you make her a sexless wisp who only really did the moon ride, or if she had her ladies, they were also just sexless. Hate it.

[–]Bellaskywalker1FDS Newbie 142 points143 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Anne of Cleves 4th wife, made out like a bandit...he never slept with her because when they met she wasn’t impressed by him and he was offended. He then decided she was too ugly. So he gave her some castles and money and she was deemed the β€œKings sister.”

[–]screamingracoonFDS Apprentice 91 points92 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is cute and everything but not how things actually went: in Antonia Fraser's The Six Wives of Henry VIII, she states that Anne of Cleves spent the rest of her life tip-toeing around him, too afraid of upsetting him and ending up executed too. He put her in the position of not being able to go home (her family was noble but very poor and with too many children to feed and clothe) while at the same time demanding that she lived the rest of her life as a nun that didn't give anybody else as much attentions as she gave him.

She was basically the hostage of an abusive man.

[–]cancerkidetteFDS Newbie 34 points35 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Essentially I’ve heard she rebuffed his advances when he first saw her in person and he was humiliated - it was apparently traditional for a King to come to his bride dressed as a peasant and try to kiss her, so he came up to her in front of the court and she just refused to let him. That was humiliating so he came up with a story about her being ugly.

[–]SkiesEclipseFDS Apprentice 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Poor girl. She probably thought some rando peasant was trying to get at her and she thought β€œget the fuck off me dude, everyone’s watching and the king has a habit of killing his wives.”

[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple 67 points68 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Assuming she really had been β€œugly,” it saved her life! She took her ugly ass out in one piece with a few nice parting gifts on her way out the door. πŸ‘πŸΌ

[–]Beaglerampage 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m directly related to her and just as savvy.

[–]MagnfiqueMaleficentFDS Disciple 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


And I’m 100% certain she was not ugly; this is what scrotes say when we don’t like them! It’s like OLD but the medieval times version! πŸ€ͺ

[–]betsybassetFDS Newbie 77 points78 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I always wonder why all these historical figure wives looked very downcast in their pictures.

Huh finally makes sense.

[–]Fit_JuiceFDS Newbie 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well that... Also imagine keeping up that gummy smile for hours on end, sometimes over the span of weeks. Only for it to have had it sent to some disgusting looking blob.

[–]heroic_nincompoopFDS Newbie 71 points72 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Aww, seeing Catherine Parr smile so widely makes me happy -- but also sad when you think of her life. After Henry died, she married the love of her life -- only to immediately discover he was a no-good scrote who hit on her underage stepdaughter Elizabeth, impregnated her at a too-old, dangerous age (by their standards at the time, at least) and even inadvertently killed her, since she died from complications from childbirth.

She should have lived on for so much longer as a happy, wealthy widow. Truly goes to show you need to prioritize your own health and wealth -- don't rely on a man to bring you happiness or else you might lose it all.

[–]eveloeFDS Apprentice 58 points59 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

OMG this is great!

[–]AngryBees88FDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dunno, Anne of Cleves made out like a bandit. She got the annulment, never had his children, kept her head, was given castles by the king, was often invited to court, and held in his high esteem for the rest of his days. She had her own wealth, and never had to marry another scrote. Not too shabby!

[–]Travelcat78FDS Newbie 21 points22 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I just listened to this great podcast about the Tudors πŸ˜…

[–]heroic_nincompoopFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ooh, can you hit me with the link? I'm trying to find good new podcasts to listen to!

[–]Travelcat78FDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Its Sentimental Garbage on spotify, theyre looking at books typically called chick lit and reviewing them. So i listened to the one about The other boyeln girl. I really enjoy them, but its not a purely historical look at it πŸ˜…

[–]karabnpFDS Newbie 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

THOSE SMILES.😭 This should be on display in museums everywhere, with this caption.πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

[–]crapcakes0987FDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

His last wife was married to an old, decrepit version of Henry who had oozing sores and disgusting body odor, plus he was one his death bed. I think their age gap was like 20+ years. Gag.

[–]NurseBubbleGumFDS Apprentice 29 points30 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is awesome!

[–]Interesting_Day1188FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This genuinely made me laugh out loud this morning. Look at how much more relaxed they all look too! lol.

[–]iwant-to-stay-unknowFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This puts a smile on my face. Specifically the face of my profile pic. Lmao

[–]ZayelleFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh, nice one 🀣

[–]DinaslabyrinthFDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this πŸ₯Ί

[–]Maude2010FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I love this so much. I’ve sent it to everyone. I might have to print it out and put it on my fridge.

[–]Colour_riotFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

well, Anne of Cleves (#4) effectively wasn't really married to him and she had happiest, longest life lol

[–]noseatbeltsongFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is my favorite time period to study and I love this so much. These women were fed a raw deal

[–]butterflyfrenchfryFDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bahahaha this is amazing

[–]fdsonlynoscrubsFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

HAHAHA that’s hilarious!

[–]chocolatelustpileFDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the funniest thing I've seen all week!

[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The serial killer had a type!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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