How do I [27F] forgive myself for my past dating mistakes?

curiousgoblin22 · 2021-11-08T03:56:42+00:00

Just a suggestion - maybe try reading up on codependency and see if that's relevant / helpful for you.

Personally, I realized I am quite codependent - i.e. I give way too much to other people & then resent them for not doing the same or more. Because I'm so focused on doing this, I find myself doing things I don't want to (since I'm not focusing on my feelings, only theirs) and ignore red flags, stay longer in toxic situations, etc. I have a hard time being honest about negative feelings. I also tend to abruptly cut people off once my resentment bubbles over. And then, I feel even worse about the whole situation and like everything's my fault.

Learning about codependency has been quite an eye opener and has helped me forgive myself a little for how I acted in the past.

alpinepunch2021 · 2021-11-08T05:51:38+00:00

I spent 6 years in a relationship with a NVM pornsick emotionally stunted secret alcoholic. Shortly after I started a relationship with someone new and he's a comparative dream. Talking to him is so much easier and more enjoyable and the whole thing feels like way less of a struggle. The downside is I keep kicking myself for having stayed in that crappy former relationship for so long. I like to think the main reason why was because I didn't really have a perspective on what other relationships could look like, but it still seems ridiculous to me about how much worse my life could've turned out. It makes me feel a lot less self assured about my decision-making capacity and, like you, I feel pretty embarrassed about it. It also feels a little unjust - why did I have to suffer for 6 years with this guy when I could've been so much happier with someone else? I didn't change that much over 6 years, so why now?

Sage_Planter · 2021-11-08T04:21:44+00:00

Beating yourself up doesn't do yourself any good. What value does it bring to you to get mad at yourself over things that have already happened?

All you can do is learn from your mistakes and do better in the future. Be accountable to be a better version of yourself moving forward.

hikurangi2019 · 2021-11-08T05:36:32+00:00

I think we all go through this stage at some point. Don’t blame yourself for feeling this way, eventually the ick feeling will subside.

sanitymemoir · 2021-11-08T07:42:59+00:00

I know how you are feeling because I am currently going through a similar situation. I think one way you can look at it is to acknowledge the success that comes from self awareness, as that’s the first step and a really crucial one. Instead of negative self talk like “I’m dumb why didn’t I pick it up sooner”, turn it around like “I’m so glad I’m aware now, I can acknowledge my mistakes, and can use this knowledge to better myself”. Try and look for the positive and use that to motivate you to keep improving.

Best of luck on your journey! It sounds like you’re on the right track :)

PenelopePitstop21 · 2021-11-08T13:56:43+00:00

It can be hard to be kind to yourself. Sometimes we are our own harshest judges. So it can be useful to think about our younger selves as though she were a good friend.

If your friend just left a toxic relationship, you would be kind to her, wouldn't you? You'd help her to get over it, you'd want to make sure she knew how to avoid her former mistakes, you'd want to build up her self-esteem and self-confidence so she wasn't vulnerable to crappy LVM any more.

Once you change the way you think about yourself, it can be much easier to forgive yourself and move on into a better future.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-08T14:43:08+00:00

Girl, are you me? I've made the same mistakes and off, it's a rough road to accept that I purposely declawed myself to let a nasty scrote peck at me. For me, it was accepting that I fell for societal and peer pressure to 'have someone' even if it was a situationsh*tshow. It was better to have a token thing to talk about than to always be the single friend -and I am always the single friend, and it just got to me at that time. I've since culled my friend group and most of that pressure is gone now 🙏 I still have a friend from that time who has mentioned she wanted to set me up and she can't tell me anything more about the guy besides he has a dog and his mom is great.... And I don't like her bf and I'm mildly insulted that THAT'S all she thinks is worth my notice. So she's on thins I've with me. And I'm tempted to meet him simply to have a reason to drop her. But also I don't need a reason and even tho I want to believe as a friend she'd set me up w someone good I'm doubtful bc of her description.

iggypiggyfiggy · 2021-11-09T03:01:33+00:00

Hey please don’t be embarrassed or upset about these mistakes. I’m the same age as you and have a million mistakes under my belt as well. I think as women we tend to be more nurturing in nature so we tend to be drawn to the more “broken” ones. We think if we help them realize their potential, build their confidence, have sex with them, feed them, etc etc that they will suddenly realize our worth and how much they love and care for us. In reality this doesn’t happen. What does happen however is once they get their fill, they abandon and look for a new supply. The majority of men will squeeze you for every last drop of compassion and care they can before discarding you. They have inflated self worth because of poor parenting and this idea that they’re owed all of this in a partner. What you have to do, I think, is just be ruthless. Cut them as quick as they judge and cut you. They will take and take and take until you have nothing left.

I’m speaking from a lot of experience. I stayed in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for so long. My life felt like Groundhog Day. Everyday on a loop I just could not escape. I was so miserable. That cycle felt impossible to break. Finally after a lot of my own actions that I’m not proud of, it was done. The handcuffs were off and I could start healing. I had barely any of me left. That might sound like an exaggeration but I had nothing. I was an emotional mess. Cycling through suicidal thoughts every night while not taking care of myself. However, after all that, I thought I actually found the person I was meant to be with. I was truly convinced that I was with the person I was meant to marry. He was going to be everything I ever wanted. Kind, gentle, caring, etc. I truly saw a future with him. That’s not something I ever felt in my abusive relationship. It felt healthy it felt good. We were balanced. Unfortunately for me, those thoughts and feelings were one-sided despite what he had been telling me. He ended up leaving me for an ex and honestly, I’ve struggled a lot. He’s told me how miserable he is in that relationship, but he won’t leave it. So I had to let the dream die. The future, the family I thought I’d have, all the memories, everything. It all had to go. Every last one of them. Sometimes the only comfort you can have is knowing you’re doing the right thing for your future. Im working on myself everyday. I’m in my second year of med school after taking time off for a while, I have my own house, bought a new car, I’m working out everyday, im a fantastic cook, great in bed, manage money wisely etc etc. I’m taking care of myself. I know I’m a catch and I know the right person won’t ever make me question my worth. I’ll make someone very happy one day and so will you. When you start leveling up yourself and stop giving your energy to people who don’t know when to stop, you will grow. Healing isn’t linear and you will probably make some mistakes along the way. I know I do but as long as you keep your eyes looking forward on your future you’ll be 100% fine. Your life is worth so much more than what a man can give you so my advice is to fall in love with yourself and the rest will come. 🤗

DifferentBar6 · 2021-11-11T01:24:01+00:00

You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and change the way you behave now and in the future. Think of it as a learning experience

edwardianemerald · 2021-11-08T14:25:13+00:00

Give yourself mad props for realizing this now and not later down the line. You recognized your time is worthwhile, that's an accomplishment! You can cut all of the shitty men you dated out now. Better late than never to block and delete, block and delete. When you're ready, review why you put up with what you did. Social pressure? Insecurity? Low self esteem? Make steps to identify how you can overcome those weaknesses. You can do it!

throwawaynevermindit · 2021-11-09T17:26:04+00:00

Don't think about your mistakes, think about what you owe yourself. You owe yourself better emotional, physical and financial protection, right? Well, the best way to give yourself that is to regard past missteps long enough to learn from them... but without dwelling on them in a way that causes you pain, harms your self esteem, or otherwise occupies an ounce more of your time than it has to. Distill things into a lesson or two, then find something bright to focus on and forget about those losers. Ruminating on mistakes is the enemy of self improvement, except maybe where the mistakes were moral in nature - but yours weren't that.

They pointed out how I keep going for LVM who are not on my level because I see them as harmless and I end up feeling bad for them.

This was something I did a lot too, especially when I wasn't truly emotionally available. My lack of real interest in them made them seem emotionally safe, but I underestimated how far they'd go to act gross because I don't act that way myself and didn't have a template for it lol. It was far enough that they weren't as safe as I thought they'd be, because of course it was .

Title	How do I [27F] forgive myself for my past dating mistakes?
Author	PlantApprehensive514
Upvotes	136
Comments	13
Date	November 7, 2021 4:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qoslme/how_do_i_27f_forgive_myself_for_my_past_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-27f-forgive-myself-for-my-past-dating.1085407 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085407