~ archived since 2018 ~

I am enraged.

July 23, 2021

My brother and I are both messy, but I’m messy in the sense that I might forget to put a plate away or leave some clothes on the bathroom floor by accident. He is messy in that he leaves food lying around for days, owns zero shower products, has a room that smells disgusting and leaves garbage in his room and car for weeks. I would call it unhygienic and disgusting.

It has been a common occurrence for him to leave things in our shared bathroom, half eaten food lying around next to the sink where I wash my face, even poured cereal down the bath drain. Worst of all was when he would pee in the shower but obviously after because it would be everywhere when I’d go to use it. All over the surfaces where soap and face wash is put, it’s fucking disgusting.

When I tell my parents this it’s always the same story, they will grumble a little, clean up after him and then make a very general comment to the family to respect our house. They often complain that I am so messy leaving clothing lying around, but 99% of the household mess is my brother or father. It is usually either pinned on me or I will have to spare my time and energy listening to my mother complain. When I tell her she needs to STOP picking up after them, she acts like she cannot hear me.

I have told my parents until I’m red in the face that they need to discipline my brother. That by cleaning up after him they are teaching him that other people/women are responsible for his mess, and they are teaching me that I don’t deserve respect and should just clean up quietly after him.

This doesn’t occur often anymore but when it does it just triggers me and I feel extremely angry that these are the lessons I grew up learning. It is no wonder in the past I have been a quiet pushover with no boundaries when dating men.

I hope this post is okay here, just wondering if anyone can relate, and if anyone has any solutions whether external or internal because ya girl is struggling.

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[–]motioncaptureFFDS Newbie 85 points86 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I literally had a breakdown because of the entitled behavior of my brother ! I've grown to resent him ! ..

[–]Ambitious_Cup5774FDS Newbie 42 points43 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yupp I live with my brother too, and he literally passive aggressively put away some of my stuff in weird places because I put a pan in a cabinet incorrectly. I honestly started kind of yelling after, saying that I wouldn't tolerate passive aggressive behavior, and I refused to be bullied because he cannot communicate the specifics of pan placement to me. I went on to point out that the food he left in containers for weeks in the basement was disgusting, and he had the audacity to say that I should have asked him to clean it up...he was definitely coddled in our abusive family dynamic, and feels entitled to treat me less than because of this abusive hierarchy. Everytime I stand up for myself I honestly wait for him to kick me out, but honestly I make great points and he seems to back off when I state the truth in a loud manner without insulting him. Men are weird, they will have the audacity but will cower when you call their manipulative processes out to their face.

[–]katiekat0214FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Power, control, dominance. It's pretty foreign to us to have to play these stupid games, especially with people we should be close to, but here we are. You are being alpha, and logical, and rational. He is not.

[–]jupitarianriseFDS Newbie 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is no wonder in the past I have been a quiet pushover with no boundaries when dating men.

I came to the same conclusion recently. this behaviour was definitely learned at home.

[–]08__80FDS Apprentice 76 points77 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Parents should be ashamed of how they raise boys and girls differently. People feel so proud of themselves for the blue-eye/brown-eye racism experiment, but I'm amazed at how clueless they actually are. We already have two groups that get treated totally differently: Boys and girls. Girls spend an entire lifetime being treated as the lesser while boys are given all this privilege, and then parents act all passive and clueless like their own shitty actions didn't cause all this.

(This is the experiment I'm talking about, if you've never heard of it. Watching it and replacing eye color with sex in your head really drives the point across, and even though it looks like it was made in the 90's it's still very timely regarding racism.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qFl9isxTiQ

[–]thinktwiceorelseFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

My brother dropped a piece of corn when we were eating pizza, then he dropped it again. I told him he dropped the stuff, he was like, I know, and looked at me daringly. I bet it's still there.

[–]08__80FDS Apprentice 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Looked at you daringly for what? Is he that insecure? I bet every time he sees those two pieces of corn now, he can never pick them up because picking them up would mean letting you win. He's going to have to live with those two pieces of corn on the floor forever to prove what a strong man he is.

[–]thinktwiceorelseFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He looked at me, like if he was expecting I'm gonna tell him to pick it up. He probably even thought about his smart ass reply. But you made me laugh sis, hahaha. Exactly.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Apprentice 82 points83 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My 35 year old brother is similar. I live with him. He leaves his trash can overflowing in his room, dishes in the sink for days, refuses to clean anything, etc.

I heard this phrase from a TikTok a while back, “He will make you live in his filth if you don’t clean up after him.” Unfortunately painfully true for many women. If I didn’t live in a very HCOL area I would have my own place.

How do I deal? I basically just clean what I and my cat use and leave the rest. Unfortunately I’m forced to live like this, because he doesn’t care. I’m saving money, I am working to start some side hustles because even $23/hr isn’t enough for a studio here unless I want to be super tight on money. I just have to deal until I can gain some independence.

[–]queenagaveFDS Newbie 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Stay strong, Queen. I recognize your username and love the advice you give. Putting out the best vibes for you to be free soon.

[–]driftinglochaweFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exact same situation as you. I used to do the majority of cleaning and emotional labour till I found FDS last year and I just stopped. I clean up after myself and only myself. I don't bother offering him dinner if I've cooked too much. I don't bother with his birthday or Christmas because he doesn't get me anything. My next step would be to sell our current place and have my own property but my job and therefore financial situation isn't great at the moment.

Good luck with your side hustles, you're going in the right direction!

[–]chasingshoesalesFDS Newbie 18 points19 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

There is a difference between messy and nasty. Messy is leaving clothes lying around and not putting random objects in place. When it comes to FOOD being left out, you are NASTY. It can rot and bring about vermin. Don't equate messy to nasty. Honestly it's disgusting that men are raised this way and does a disservice to everyone. If he ever lives alone, he will be surrounded by vermin. If he ever finds a pickme to clean up after him, she will constantly be disrespected.

In college I lived in a co-ed house and it was a horrible mistake. The men were so disgusting that we eventually had a mice infestation. When we had a house meeting about it to develop a game plan on how to get rid of the mice, the culprits that kept leaving food out basically shrugged and accepted that we now live with mice. My roommate and I were appalled. The pickme living with one of the boys just accepted that she would have to clean after him more. It was really disturbing.

Eventually it was up to me to strategically start killing the mice. They were reproducing and everything so there were many infant mice I killed by myself. Eventually the momma mouse decided it wasn't a safe place, took the remaining family, and bolted. I feel ya, mama mouse. I feel ya. Never lived with "boys" again. Real men don't live with infestations. Disgusting.

[–]shockingupdateFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Good for Mama Mouse for getting free. I’d watch a biopic about her life 😂

[–]chasingshoesalesFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I was the one vegan in the house. I’m vegan for the love of animals and sadly had to choose to live with a family of mice or start killing the newly born infants. It def fucked with my mental health in many ways. After 3 infants I’m happy the momma mouse decided to pack her shit and go. Like we literally never saw them again. HV Mama Mouse.

[–]shockingupdateFDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sorry you had to go through that; going after the babies would have wrecked me too, but leaving them would have led to even more chaos.

[–]europoor24FDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

nah sis your brother is nasty! that's it, and i'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[–]ProtoetypeFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

When it's not home open his bedroom door and two cans of paint. Splash the entire room. Ohhh you made a mess he didn't like? He's gotta live with it now.

You're probably not gonna, but it's always an option.

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I actually had a mental breakdown at one point because of this when I was younger and I threw a plate of old food that he had left in the bathroom, around his room. It seemed only fair since it was his mess that I return it to his own room. Unsurprisingly, my parents were FURIOUS and I was in big trouble, because it’s not okay when I do it 🤡

[–]ProtoetypeFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They're sexist and they know you're easy to shame and control so they strong arm you. I'm sorry, time for more covert and indirect revenge. Piss on his pillow, leave dog shit among the clutter in his room.

[–]musicfreak1993FDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh God the "i was gonna do that" as a response to fucking anything that needs doing, has been sitting not done for fucking weeks, so you just do it cos its not that big of a deal and they always come back with the "I was getting to it" ... getting to it? Dude you've been sitting on your fucking ass gaming for three weeks, it takes 10 mins to take the trash out, and you couldn't find the time in your busy day? Bull shit.

[–]daisy_0720FDS Disciple 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This might be extreme, but you should tell everyone you know about what is going on in your house. Neighbors, family friends, relatives. Publicly shame your brother and your parents, and put them on blast. If you want to be really extreme, ask a neighbor or friend if you can stay with them and tell your parents exactly why. Get other parents involved and show your family that everyone knows the filth they are allowing their child to live in.

If that fails, go nuclear and call CPS. Make it clear to your parents that you will continue to escalate until they do something about this.

[–]the_ghost_of_FDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I so agree with this. As a child of a family that's "won awards" in our town, call them out. Public humiliation is a fabulous tool, and what are they gonna say? "She's evil!" .... Cool. Well, you can't get it up for anything other than teens, so who's the real bad guy, here? Time Discovers Truth.

[–]Mihyei 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good grief, good food in the bathroom sink?? Leaving pee all over the shower?? How old is your brother? And I thought I had it bad with my brother leaving his beard trimmings all over the sink, floor, and sometimes toilet. Like you, my brother (a grown man older than me) doesn't care and nor do my parents care enough to actually do anything about it. Eventually I just stopped reacting to it because no one else cared, so I was essentially getting angry with no benefit to myself. If you haven't already, start saving for a down payment and budgeting for a house now, so you can get out of there and get your own space. That's what I'm doing, and if all goes well then I'll have moved into a new place by September. The new bills will be worth no longer having to clean up after anyone but myself!

[–]SillyCarpenter6717 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel you sis

[–]the_ghost_of_FDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

THIS, even with a father present, is how entitled ass men are created. How sad. God, girl, please escape! You deserve PEACE over all else!

[–]katiekat0214FDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

During my first marriage, I simply quit cleaning up after him. I cleaned my dishes, washed my laundry, cleaned around where I sat and ate. This was the guy who was asexual and didn't know himself at all; he gave me sex three times in three years. I finally stopped demanding affection, and he seemed relieved to live as roommates. It was a Pyrrhic victory, because the house honestly stank, but worth it. I was a grad student, then a brand new teacher, and he expected me to do the second shift. Quite often he would wake up and play video games before he went to work. He deliberately chose the 6pm-6am shift, so we barely saw each other anyway. As a teacher, my hours were basically 6am-6pm.

I was just so, so angry all the time with him, with the whole situation. He had kept his house clean enough before I came along, and then it just all went to hell, and smelled horrible. Just so much was wrong there, and so glad I left, remarried and was happy the second time.

You're not wrong to feel how you feel. Your parents are horribly wrong with the double standards. They aren't doing him any favors, because I honestly hope he runs into a woman just like me, just like other queens here on FDS, who will tell him his game, demand he step up, or leave. Door SLAM.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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