I got so used to hearing women speak of "empowerment" in the same breath as sex work or porn that I developed a sort of aversion to the word.

But it's a useful concept to reflect on. What makes you feel empowered?

I always found self reliance and knowledge to be empowering and still do.

But when I was dating I found a whole new layer of empowerment that I didn't even know existed. I discovered it through having standards. Learning to be unapologetically honest with myself about what I liked and didn't like (and being honest with others when it was appropriate) made me feel a sense of control over my life. Filtering out men who didn't make the cut was an expression of honesty (and honesty is freeing). In short, I felt empowered by my position of decision making and my role as a selector. Being a selector puts you at the top of the food chain. It's your role to filter through options and next the unworthy ones. It's a powerful role and is inherently gifted to women.

I think that's why many of us in relationships are still drawn to this sub and find it to be an empowering community. It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think it's because it's a collective of women who understand (or are beginning to understand) our power. Sexual selection, partnerships and dating are areas of natural power for women.

And men try to take it from us. In the past (pickme days) I would exploit myself, work hard to impress men and mold myself into being their fantasy.🤦🏼‍♀️ Because I was chasing validation the way I was trained by our culture to do. That dating style left me miserable and hating men (surprise surprise).

I didn't know it at the time but i felt miserable and hopeless because I was giving up my power. I was surrendering my control. Or it had been taken from me. Or both. In an arena where I was supposed to have a natural advantage over men, I foolishly gave it up. No wonder I "hated" them as a whole, "they" stole something from me.

I forgive myself now and I can see now how much social conditioning lead me toward becoming a pickme. But the point is, once I changed my dating style (took the power back by having high standards, being honest, and being the one to decide) I stopped hating men. Because I was finally meeting decent ones, seeing things more clearly and I was in control of the filter. It was like flipping a switch. Suddenly everything felt more natural (natural because I deeply believe women are the ones who are supposed to be the choosers, not men). Being "picky" gave me a position I should have had from the start. Filtering out LVM and bad options (by being ruthlessly honest with myself) became an experience of personal growth. I learned that men are desperate for women, and that once you open up the floodgates the options are endless. For every man you reject a new one will appear.

And this power, if you want it, is yours forever. At every age, for the rest of you life. If you are a woman you can position yourself in a power role when it comes to partnerships. They want you, you don't need them.

Don't ever give up your power and wallow in not meeting THEIR standards. Their standards don't matter. Once you're in a relationship then sure, some compromise and balance is healthy. But during selection?? Mens standards don't matter at all. They can shout them into a void because they're meaningless. They'll "settle" for the majority of women in real life.

Men will try to scare you, with all kinds of projection. The most desperate one theyll say is "ok the power dynamic exists. But only for young hotties. It flips in men's favor when we're old". Pause here to roll your eyes. They want that to be true so badly. That's why they repeat it so much. But look at real life. Think of all the single older men absolutely pathetically desperate for women. Men talk a big game online. But they have no standards in real life. They have no power over women at all whatsoever. Older men literally become suicidal in their loneliness, it's almost an epidemic. Even in nursing homes in their dying days men are out there courting women down the hall. Whereas older women (when single) are happier and healthier across the board.

It's uncomfortable for lvm men to accept this power dynamic... so they don't. Because in literally every other way in our culture men are at the top of the food chain without needing to work for it. Theyre used to being entitled. They don't think it's fair that women have hierarchy, ever. So they try to take it.

The ONLY success men have had at tipping the power in their favor is through manipulation, grooming, exploitation and abuse. That's why they think the role flips when they're older. It doesn't. It's just that they get into a position of having enough lived experience to manipulate a young woman. It's artificial power. Unless she was fully groomed she'll eventually snap out of it and leave the guy. This is why so many of us warm young women about older men. These guys are bottom of the barrel lv and should be the first to be filtered.

But you should feel that way about any man that has power over you in the arena of dating. You have to examine the dynamic. How'd he do it? How'd he end up the one in power? Chances are high that you're being manipulated. So examine it. Examples: If you're the type of person who's a giver you're at risk of being manipulated by a narcissist. If you're younger than 25 you're at risk of being manipulated by predators. If you're insecure you're at risk of being manipulated by negging. If you're anxious you're at risk of being manipulated by gaslighters. If you're broke you're at risk of being manipulated by someone with money. And so on. Whatever form it takes, it can be traced back to the original problem, which is that men shouldn't have any power over you when it comes to dating. So if they do, bail.

Tldr; When it comes to relationships and filtering out options, you are the one with the power. Take it back.