I hate talking about my abuse to my friends with boyfriends because it makes them look good

glendoraza · 2021-09-23T21:35:24+00:00

If my friend was telling me about her abuse, I would never rub it in her face and say “Phew my husband isn’t like that”

FUBARfromLSA · 2021-09-23T22:02:36+00:00

She’s a shitty friend, completely unsupportive as it’s not about her broke, pornsick, and selfish boyfriend.

She SHOULD be talking about what a smart and strong girl you were to break the Vulcan mind grip of domestic violence and got out -not all women make it.

You’re a beautiful survivor, fuck her and her scrotey boyfriend and get you some new friends.

Ugh.

Muffcakelord · 2021-09-23T21:48:26+00:00

The more people like to excuse their partner or say "well at least-" anything about them, the less satisfied they are. That's also why we say "at least-" about days we hate. They know, they just don't want to confront it.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-23T22:17:20+00:00

Your "friend" isn't a friend. She hates her relationship and is deluding herself. Focus on healing and surrounding yourself with truly supportive people.

Big-Respond8481 · 2021-09-23T22:36:40+00:00

Pestering for threesome sounds like coercion, it is definitely not a consensual act if he manages to wear her down until she gives in. She is delusional herself, trying to excuse her boyfriends emotional abuse. Those people are not good friends. She needs help herself and can in no way be a supporting or guiding role in you trauma level-up journey.

miss_peach94 · 2021-09-23T22:42:20+00:00

She needs to read the room

Get a new friend.

BasieSkanks · 2021-09-23T22:41:19+00:00

Your friend is with an abusive man. Maybe he is not physically abusive, but pestering her for a threesome when she is clearly not interested is a form of emotional abuse. Her comparison does not actually make him look good at all. Not hitting your partner is the bare minimum. Secondly, she is still stuck with a leach. I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you, but you are free. She is still stuck with a LVM. I hope she will one day be free from him, as well. In the meantime, distance yourself.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-09-24T09:38:15+00:00

Jury consultants often advise the prosecution to keep certain types of women off the jury in rape trials because the more the potential jurist fears she could be victimized in the same way, the more she might distance herself from the victim, mentally fabricating arbitrary reasons why the victim got herself raped and why she, the potential jurist, wouldn't.

It's sometimes called the "safe world effect"-- belief in the fallacy that bad things only happen to bad people, particularly when the bystander feels especially vulnerable to the same misfortune.

That's exactly what this friend is doing with the gloating comparisons. It's all too common, unfortunately. As a former advocate for dv survivors, I think the behavior is incredibly toxic. Personally, I stay away from those types if they don't wise up. They inevitably get angry and retaliate if their "safe world" delusion is contradicted. It makes no difference if they're aiming their judgments/smug comparisons at someone other than me. Misfortune can befall anyone and who wants to be around victim blamers when things go south or you're grieving a loss?

djfrankenjuice · 2021-09-23T22:49:29+00:00

Agree with everyone who is saying this isn’t a good friend. Discussing the most painful and vulnerable parts of your life shouldn’t be met with gloating…. Even if her boyfriend was the most HV of HVM that is a completely inappropriate response.

As he is a LVM, all she is doing is inflating to herself his worth at your expense

millennialpink2000 · 2021-09-23T23:00:00+00:00

It sounds like she's using you to self-sooth about her relationship. She knows he's not bringing much to the table, but hearing stories like yours "prove" that she "won" and can gloat and feel smug

Ditch her. She enjoys hearing about your abuse to feed and validate her own emotional deficiencies and lack of standards. Who needs enemies when you've got friends like that

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-09-23T22:53:21+00:00

You know what you don't need? This loss of a woman as a friend.

Low value traits of gloating about how her trash is still better than your abusive ex like she is winning over you? Fuck no!

Also trying to save her trash relationship by using your pain to make her feel better. 💩

Br0ther-Finger · 2021-09-23T23:08:32+00:00

I feel you. My bestie is in year 3 of being a forever girlfriend to her dude who I suspect is a narc. But he’s “nothing like your ex” just because he makes more money.

My ex wasn’t that bad 3 years in. These assholes take time to work up to full scrotery.

VanessaViews · 2021-09-24T00:40:26+00:00

All men benefit from the actions of abusive men. Your abusive pos ex makes your friends pos bf "look better" when in reality he's still a POS.

ConstantNurse · 2021-09-24T04:18:28+00:00

"He would never get violent"

Or so I thought. My XNVM tried to suffocate me, threw me down a flight of stairs, threw me into furniture, and many, many other horrid things.

EndMassive3398 · 2021-09-23T23:28:20+00:00

Sounds like you have a self centered insensitive dolt for a “friend” High value and low value applies to friends too

Ok_Passenger_5717 · 2021-09-24T00:25:15+00:00

Extremely valid point.

oneheadlight312 · 2021-09-24T02:05:10+00:00

I've had to fade to black on so many friends like this over the years it isnt funny. If you can't tell your best friend things like this what good is having a best friend.

yeahhh22 · 2021-09-24T07:59:40+00:00

So I knew not to reveal past traumas or abuse but I totally did anyway overtime and in conversation, and I will never do it again. "I treat you better than your exes" that's a low bar. And also not true. Also not revealing to women either. After experiencing a pickme supreme "friend"

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-09-24T10:55:12+00:00

Its a bit like those people who when you're grieving a loved one say " well my pet mouse died when i was in 8th grade, so.."

TheOGJammies · 2021-09-24T00:52:01+00:00

Your friend is an asshole for using a moment of vulnerability to one-up you, full stop.

elainejay82 · 2021-09-24T05:14:41+00:00

Yeah this is really common, I've found. What I've dealt with is women saying, "How could you fall into that?" You know, the general perpetual blame that victims get.

This sounds like a terrible friend who lives in a glass house that will surely shatter in the future. I hope you have the guts to kind of just leave this one in the dust!

xfelugirlx · 2021-09-24T05:53:47+00:00

Not she trying to convince herself his bf isn’t shit

cakewalkofshame · 2021-09-24T18:58:52+00:00

Ultra-shitty men pave the way for medium-shitty to mediocre men to get and keep women. They're glad their brothers in scrotacity are out there greasing the skids for them.

Title	I hate talking about my abuse to my friends with boyfriends because it makes them look good
Author	thanarealnobody
Upvotes	569
Comments	34
Date	September 23, 2021 9:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pu51x5/i_hate_talking_about_my_abuse_to_my_friends_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-hate-talking-about-my-abuse-to-my-friends-with.1074710 https://theredarchive.com/post/1074710