I just learned that one of the biggest catalysts for men leaving their wives is having a child with special needs (the divorce rate climbs to 80 percent).

BasketLow8411 · 2021-09-28T15:01:54+00:00

My ex has a bio kid with special needs and has been divorced twice (one by me). And guess who has his kid?

Edited to add: me. I have his kid. My step daughter. Because my NVX is, well, NV and his own child would rather stay with me (said child is a teen) and he has abuse issues.

Zurflu · 2021-09-28T16:07:00+00:00

You can be the best FDS vetter in the world and still end up in this situation- choosing the right partner won't make you immune. Anyone is capable of deciding to leave their partner no matter how "right" they were before. Of course you still should try to choose the best possible partner but never trust that another person (especially a man) will always keep your best interests in mind because that's just not how the world works. Always be able, willing, and ready to look out for YOURSELF, even if you do choose to have children with a man!

PasDeTout · 2021-09-28T16:15:50+00:00

On another sub a man is looking for a way to kick out his wife and the mother of his children because she’s just had a psychotic breakdown. The comments are full of wannabe Rochesters who think locking away or banishing a mentally ill wife is the right thing to do. So nasty and lacking any empathy.

KindredMaximus · 2021-09-28T12:49:10+00:00

You should read ''Facing the wind'' by Julie Salamon. About Bob Rowe - a lawyer who killed his whole family (including his special needs son) and pleaded insanity because his son was special needs. He got it, spent less than 10 years in an institution - got out and started another family. It's written in a SYMPATHETIC tone to him by the author and the tone that sympathises with the horror of what he did, shows exactly how men with ''special needs'' children are seen by society as a whole. They mother is blamed and the father is pitied. Again, another case where the ''strong'' man is coddled like a damn baby, as per usual. Forgive my expletives - I am Australian.

CloacaDiddler · 2021-09-28T16:59:17+00:00

In nursing school we learned the man’s sperm is usually what determines most neurological defects. After 45, the chance of a man producing a child with autism, Down syndrome, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia skyrockets.

Just for next time a man blames women for having “defective” kids, or that male sperm is golden and high quality and desirable for their entire lives

kinkardine · 2021-09-28T17:00:02+00:00

Recently we had a suicide case of a mom of a special child when she discovered her hubby had extra marital affair. One of the psychologist was saying, we teach our girls to take care of everyone except themselves.

In contrast I have seen how much an HVM can do in this scenario, one of my friend was severely depressed during pregnancy while being solely with her hubby in a foreign country, her hubby was doing a fellowship in Harvard at that time. At the first sign of her depression he withdrawn from fellowship and flew back to our country so that my friend can have enough support from her family also he can allocate time for her and the baby. After a few years when the kid was 2-3 yr old her hubby applied for PHD in UK, during the PHD they came to know their kid is special need, hubby’s first reaction was to force her into a post graduate study- he said ‘if you stay at home you will internalize this situation’, he provided her great support during her graduation, she wanted to stay in UK for the kid but he insisted to go back to the country where she will have a support system, he also pushed her for jobs ensuring she always have an identity other than her motherhood, making sure she is always in her most comfort zone, his point was their child cannot be happy if his mom is not happy.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-09-28T10:44:24+00:00

Agreed. I’d also like to add (from my own unfortunate experience) that they don’t always leave, many will use your/your child’s illness as an excuse to become (or finally show they are) abusive too. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not because so many men have learnt to keep their abusive behaviour under wraps until marriage and/or children come along. Maybe you just always have to be ready to leave. Even if you’ve got the marriage and kids, even if they’ve been HV up to that point. Always have a plan so that if/when the red flags start coming you can get out fast and easily.

SkiesEclipse · 2021-09-28T17:08:53+00:00

My mom works with special needs children and their families, and yes, the divorce rate is incredibly high. Which is heartbreaking considering caring for a special needs child is rarely enough for two parents to handle, let alone one.

I’m not trying to excuse men who leave, because that isn’t ok, but to be realistic, having special needs children is the biggest test of a relationship, even if the relationship is good.

It’s a huge financial burden, a physical burden, and of course a mental burden, and as parents age, the worry about who will take care of the child when they die is a huge stressor, not to mention that it becomes difficult in many other respects.

It’s a lot of work, and special needs children may not reciprocate love, or at least reciprocate love like a neurotypical child. Most mothers end up leaving their job to take care of their child full time if they can’t afford care for them during the day.

Your social life takes a hit, you don’t go out as much as you used to anymore, finding babysitters for a special needs child is difficult. Oftentimes the neurotypical children can feel neglected by their parents because of all the time they put into the special needs child.

It’s really not easy. Special needs children can end up being bigger targets for abuse. It’s sad, but the world isn’t built for the neuro divergente.

But for those who commit themselves to their child, many find it incredibly rewarding despite it all. Most parents of special needs children wouldn’t take it back despite the hardship. They teach us so much about ourselves, and about life.

valleycupcake · 2021-09-28T17:38:57+00:00

I knew a family where they had a child with an incurable disease that made his skin as fragile as tissue paper. Caring for him was an exhausting 24/7 job until he died at age 2. I couldn’t understand how the dad could leave the mom to do that by herself when the boy was just an infant. He was even named after his dad.

FREEBRITNEYBITCHH · 2021-09-28T18:54:53+00:00

Can confirm anecdotally. My ex husband left the same day our disabled son was born and we found out. He said either put my son up for adoption or he would leave. As if I would pick some scrote over my baby, so sorry he thought he was that important

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-09-28T18:03:58+00:00

This is so true.

Extended family members also frequently bail on special needs kids even if dad doesn't. Moms quite often end up carrying the weight alone unless they can build a network within the special needs parent community. But even in the latter case, the network will be among other beleaguered, overstressed parents who are usually living under tombstones of medical debt and with typical caretaker injuries and caretaker health syndromes themselves, so it's a bit like drowning people holding each other up. At best the support might be emotional but not practical. State support and respite has become harder and harder to get and frequently comes with strings attached. It's not pretty.

Furthermore, there's a horrifying little game that social bailers play of arbitrarily finding fault with the parenting of special needs moms. This affords the bailer the faux-hero cover excuse that, due to their exquisitely sensitive natures, they just couldn't "bear" watching the way mom mishandled parenting so that vicious abandonment of the disabled child can be recast as (presto chango, abracadabra) somehow done out of concern for the child. That way the bailers can maintain an image of themselves as good eggs.

Of course the real reason for abandonment is that disability just bums the bailers out. People are often nice to children in their extended family on the hope that the child will make them proud one day, or maybe will grow up to care for them in their dotage. But that projection is less likely in the case of children with serious disability. Some extended family worry the ailing child's illness is going to sap collective family money or soak up inheritance, so they not only bail but try to get others in the circle to turn their backs as well.

Ask me how I know, ugh. We saw this horror show play out. Over time I learned from veteran special needs parents that this is how it nearly always plays out within western families to the point of being a bleak running gag. When you start telling your family abandonment saga, more experienced parents finish your sentences. Some laugh bitterly. Yep. Very familiar.

Our initiation was when my middle child developed a serious environmental illness as a toddler, most likely from heavy municipal pesticide spraying and several neighbors power sanding lead paint off their houses without proper tents. The way I fought to protect my kids (I was on first name basis with the regional head of the EPA) and fought to get medical help and ed resources for my son provided several in the extended family with the perfect fodder to criticize my parenting and disappear. It could have been on some other excuse but I suppose this was the low hanging fruit excuse in our case because we had to fight for everything. Or my husband worked himself to death while I directly battled the system, making me the most convenient target. I was too "controversial," too "obsessed" and "overprotective."

When my son got better, some spread doubt that he'd ever been ill or disabled to begin with, basically accusing me of criminal parenting (Munchausen by proxy, 10 years in prison). It was all bs, we had official diagnoses from department heads of major hospital systems, but what the bailers were spinning was still incredibly dangerous so we cut the ties the rest of the way and went no contact. I'm sure the bailers were thrilled. Some didn't want their kids mixing with a "defective" cousin because this can lead to social demotion by association.

Some were worried about money even though we never asked for any. Our kids were cut out of a few inheritances, as if giving us any money might encourage us to wheedle for more, pprobably on the assumption that disability is a financial sink hole. But mostly some people just didn't want to take part in the hardship or witness the struggle, give up time to provide a little respite or experience the sadness of seeing a child with an uncertain future. Children are supposed to be cute and entertaining and provide adults with golden hopes for the future.

Years of out-of-pocket integrative medical costs later (for which we had little to no help), my son is virtually recovered, we're out of horrible debt and doing well financially and suddenly a few of the bailers start circling around with their cloven hands out, wanting to be bailed out of trouble or debt or needing help for this and that. Oops. How the worm turns.

I feel like the Little Red Hen at this point and not inclined to share the fruits of our labor with people who disappeared and sometimes even trashed us at our lowest moments.

The interesting thing is that when the beggar/bailers came calling, they went straight to my husband with flattering appeals, just as the bailers had initially tried to drive a wedge into our marriage by reserving the criticism of parenting for me, the mom.

Women are always the low hanging fruit targets. My husband thought it was chilling how these traitors assumed he wouldn't remember or care how they had once treated his wife and children, as if men can routinely be counted on to betray their families and as if these people assumed he'd been held unwilling captive by obligation to the "dead weight" of disability and the standard "pain-in-the-ass" special needs mom. See, he should be honored that they saw him as separate from that "mess" and flattered they'd deigned to return.

From the statistics, it looks like those ugly assumptions are reality-based: a lot of men do see themselves as too precious to be burdened with the "mess."

Anyway, when men bail on their special needs kids, scan the social context and you'll usually find other people cheerleading or otherwise enabling the abandonment, whether it's to normalize their own abandonment or because they hope he'll save his resources to eventually help them, not his defective "useless eater" kid. Not that it's any excuse but it's not like these guys are typically being socially shamed for bailing on their own flesh and blood.

AwkwardDisaster4150 · 2021-09-28T12:40:45+00:00

If my husband wanted a divorce because we had a special needs child, I would fight to give him full custody and just be the fun weekend mom.

PinkBlair99 · 2021-09-28T14:51:58+00:00

I should’ve left my LVX when I asked him if he’d leave me if I was wheelchair bound and he said, “Ehhhhh…” 😑

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-09-28T18:10:18+00:00

I work for a government agency in benefits administration and I see single moms with special needs kids where the fathers aren't involved for whatever reason, daily.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-09-28T21:12:32+00:00

I have a special needs child.

It’s not always easy to predict which man will stick around and which won’t.

I have to say though, the married special needs moms I know are all still just as stressed out as me.

The worst part of having a special needs child is having to learn how to provide a bunch of different types of therapy and to do it at home.

It’s always mom who ends up doing the therapy too usually on top of the housework and cooking.

But yep, moms provide almost all the therapy and we don’t get paid for it. Many of us had to leave our careers because of it.

It’s like living in permanent quarantine. I actually felt less lonely during the Covid quarantines because everyone else was at home all the time too.

LR_today · 2021-09-28T16:02:32+00:00

There's services like Circle DNA, if you are considering having a child with someone, you should both spend the $500+ and get every test done.

While pregnant you can pay for genetic testing to ensure there isn't anything wrong, or if there is you can abort. I would not keep a special needs child so finding out early is key and aborting if possible. At least while pregnant I still have 100% say in what happens.

WCAttorney · 2021-09-28T17:00:31+00:00

High rates too for having multiples (twins etc)

sexualfoodpantry · 2021-09-28T12:49:48+00:00

It's true, though there are mothers who run off, too. Even if both stay, it's rarely a happily ever after.

Having a special needs child can destroy a marriage and personal lives in ways that outsiders cannot even begin to comprehend. Nobody will ever say it because they're ashamed. You only see the FB posts of "my blessing", "light of my life", "welcome to holland" etc.

That's why in my opinion nobody, not even special needs activists, has the right to tell a woman if she should be allowed to abort a special needs fetus or not, at ANY stage of her pregnancy.

SimplySharon1215 · 2021-09-28T18:11:09+00:00

One of my dearest friends has a child who is nonverbal autistic. She and her husband are both amazing parents to this kid, but it has taken a SEVERE toll on their marriage. They do as much with him as possible, but even the slightest task is an HUGE ordeal. They have found themselves doing more things independently of each other so one can stay home and the other can do whatever. As he gets older this is even happening with vacations. Friend has said they would probably be divorced - except each cannot imagine raising child without the other. This marriage is just ripe for cheating (IMO). I actually feel sorry for both.

FURYOFCAPSLOCK · 2021-09-28T16:21:42+00:00

God I just hate them

shljock · 2021-09-28T13:09:00+00:00

Jfc. This is heartbreaking but somehow not surprising. I wonder out of those who do stay how many are not abusive and god forbid are supportive and do their fair share.

onelifetolive001 · 2021-09-28T12:54:01+00:00

Sad but true! I do know some HV couples who have children with developmental disabilities, but they are very few and far between.

LonchuraStriata · 2021-09-28T11:24:16+00:00

You have no control over whether or not your baby will be born with
defects or develop special needs.

Within certain limits, you do. Of course there are defects and disabilities that cannot be prevented or detected before birth.

But one way to lower the risk of at least some defects is doing your due diligence and choosing the person you procreate with wisely. And for me that includes finding out if there are inheritable diseases and/or defects running in their families and getting both of us tested before trying to conceive. And if the tests turn out to be positive for risk factors I would absolutely opt for a sperm/egg donation or adoption before knowingly taking that risk. I would not have a child with someone who is not in line with me regarding that.

Title	I just learned that one of the biggest catalysts for men leaving their wives is having a child with special needs (the divorce rate climbs to 80 percent).
Author	Frogspocket
Upvotes	1052
Comments	70
Date	September 28, 2021 10:36 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/px3kge/i_just_learned_that_one_of_the_biggest_catalysts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-just-learned-that-one-of-the-biggest-catalysts.1073803 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073803