I left a perfectly good man because FDS made me believe I could do better. And you were right

maznyk · 2021-11-06T14:52:54+00:00

Reminder that bare minimum isn’t worth settling for. Just because he’s not horrible or abusing you doesn’t mean you put your standards aside and accept low effort half-assery the rest of your life.

When we vet and make sure he doesn’t have red flags 🚩, that’s just the beginning step. It’s seeing if someone meets the bare minimum requirements to continue having the privilege of conversing with you. Not being as awful as the others does not automatically bump him up to HVM status.

sagicorn2791 · 2021-11-06T19:16:13+00:00

The married women that I work with constantly complain how they work all day and go home to cook and clean. I learned from their mistakes and chose a husband who makes it his goal to keep me happy and stress free.

Dstar538888 · 2021-11-06T12:58:23+00:00

I dropped the last guy I was talking to over this...never tried to plan a single date not ONCE...it was always me having to do it and he would flake often, that's why I blocked him with no warning because I tried to have a conversation with him about this and he just blew me off, so I just ghosted him

justanothergirl4278 · 2021-11-06T15:17:02+00:00

I'm such a sucker for a love story! I want to hear more about how you met, the first date, etc etc. 😂 He sounds lovely

But honestly, your story is important because I see so many people in relationships nowadays that have a scarcity mindset. Their partners aren't 'bad' but they aren't great either, but you stay because he's not 'that bad' and we think we'll have trouble finding someone as good (or in this case, as average) as them

You should never settle for the bare minimum, or as one of my favorite quotes from a gf would say 'you don't applaud a fish for swimming'

No_Fig2938 · 2021-11-06T11:37:59+00:00

Really sweet, glad you found someone better!❤️🙂 I really love posts like these, especially since scrotes love to claim fds doesn't work and we'll all end up crazy cat ladies 🤭🤭 ( even though living with my cats is my life long dream, and I didn't want to ever try dating men before finding fds 💅)

EurasianEmpress · 2021-11-06T18:09:05+00:00

The fact that your ex needed you to remind him to give his own mother a birthday present, to speak with his own father, to plan dates and vacations, etc means he was low effort and not “perfectly nice” at all. He simply wasn’t invested in the relationship or in you and didn’t care enough about you to put in the effort. That ex was dragging you down and he seemed like a parasite draining your energy. He was never a good man.

_laufaeson · 2021-11-06T13:28:21+00:00

I completely understand this. When I was in the first stages of initiating a divorce I found this sub and it made me feel less like garbage and realize that I’ll be much better off.

maracat1989 · 2021-11-06T15:20:06+00:00

I dated a “nice guy” who never once planned a date. I even wrote a list of date ideas and posted them on the fridge. Nothing happened or changed. Lesson learned.

Public-Heat-57 · 2021-11-06T12:29:33+00:00

you say there was "nothing wrong" and i slightly disagree...yes no "alarming" red flags, nothing dangerous, nothing "too" bad, but a very basic need of yours was not being fulfilled. and that is something wrong with the ex. congrats on your current scenario! where did you meet him, if i may ask?

Ok_Passenger_5717 · 2021-11-06T16:32:11+00:00

I wanna read more stories like this.

its_me_phosphene · 2021-11-06T15:43:35+00:00

How did you meet your current boyfriend? I’m having a hard time meeting people

WestAtmosphere · 2021-11-06T15:31:36+00:00

LOOOL the men are so mad about this post.

Like I'm sorry you can be nice and all but it doesn't mean you put effort into a relationship. It's tiring to be the only person to plan things, let alone baby a man who can't be bothered to remember his own parents bdays.

The bar truly is in HELL, men expect BEING NICE is enough. This is the BARE minimum of just being a decent person??? They really don't understand the mental load because they never take any of it on - no wonder they get so upset about these posts. If he isn't right out the gate reciprocating/trying it means it's only going to get worse with time and you can be expecting nothing in 5-10 years.

Regardless, congrats girl :D! It's so nice to feel loved and appreciated and for his effort to match or exceed yours!

JaeJRZ · 2021-11-06T12:30:21+00:00

And that's how you level up. I know some may see this and read into it thinking she's horrible for leaving a pretty decent guy, but when a women doesn't realize her worth, way too often do they focus only on what they are getting and letting it overshadow what we aren't getting.. Men get complacent in relationships and do the bare minimum while most women are carrying their own..If a woman is fully taking care of herself and her responsibilities the relationship should be an escape from the stress of daily routines. I hope your new guy remains consistent throughout the relationship.

finalbosskitten · 2021-11-06T16:53:23+00:00

Oh, this is a total tip of the iceberg situation. Literally the dude was struggling with doing basic things like getting a present for his mom or TALKING TO HIS DAD. Obviously his shortcomings didn't just affect you but involved others in negative ways. It was only going to get worse with age.

It's why I double down on the idea that people are delusional when they talk about nice guys. It doesn't matter that much unless he can actually show he's thoughtful and conscientious.

QueenLagrange · 2021-11-06T12:14:48+00:00

Whenever I see marriage isn’t on the horizon, I always see 🚩🚩🚩. A HVM wants to get married to the woman he loves. So either he doesn’t love you, in which case you should leave, or he’s a LVM, in which case you should leave

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-11-06T19:00:06+00:00

I always dump guys that don't plan anything thoughtful after 1-2 dates because they're a dime in a dozen. They're charming, handsome, successful, but I m not interested in 50/50 relationship.

Pre-FDS i'd try hard and end up in one-sided situationships when guys gave up and did 10/90 barely(especially in the city when there's so many choices an average guy can string along 5+ women with little effort)

There's always more guys wanting a shot with me, all I have to do is filter out.

Thanks FDS!

Angeli_33 · 2021-11-06T12:37:01+00:00

Sooo nice to hear. That's exactly how I feel about it too. Romance is so important.

WorkaholicParty · 2021-11-06T13:33:43+00:00

Love that!

There was plenty wrong with your last bf though, he was a seemingly decent guy that made you shoulder all the logistics and emotional load of the relationships and weren't getting romanced. Wish you the best <3

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-06T18:43:16+00:00

Im so happy for u, you deserve everything. Yes when you need to plan dates almost always and pay for that is so tiring like it’s a responsability and they don’t plan shet and just gave us all the charge

Determinedblonde · 2021-11-06T14:04:33+00:00

Wow 👏🏻 yeah, others will guilt trip you for leaving a “perfectly good” guy, but that’s not up to your standards. I planned dates and a cheap holiday with my ex years ago, and I got tired of doing the work too. There is nothing wrong with saying to yourself that you can do better, and FDS encourages us to listen to those feelings, instead of society which tells to take what we can get.

fireforestfairy · 2021-11-06T12:14:19+00:00

Congrats!

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-06T16:24:04+00:00

There was something wrong with your last boyfriend, he lacked toxic masculinity, yes, but he also lacked healthy masculinity in a sexual and romantic relationship with a woman, hence why it failed. Your current boyfriend doesn't.

my_curated_life · 2021-11-06T15:54:31+00:00

OMG I am beyond happy for you!!!!

cbmurp3 · 2021-11-06T12:51:59+00:00

hell yeah girl! i love hearing this

Gold_Zebra_3990 · 2021-11-06T14:44:19+00:00

I’ve bookmarked this. One of my all time favorite posts. Thank you!!

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-06T18:59:12+00:00

👏👏👏 FDS Success!! This is where it's at! Good on you for knowing your worth and not settling!

jasminekisses4u · 2021-11-06T16:01:46+00:00

Bravo sis! Keep those dusties in the trash bin while you go to greener pastures <3

jijitsu-princess · 2021-11-06T13:12:17+00:00

Score!

onions_r_evil · 2021-11-06T18:37:01+00:00

Awesome!

lolmemberberries · 2021-11-06T15:33:52+00:00

We love to see it. I'm glad you upgraded to the relationship you want and deserve.

2021-11-06T14:30:52+00:00

This is great to hear. Can I ask how did you two meet?

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-11-06T15:23:12+00:00

OP he wasn't a good man if you took on majority of the load of the relationship. You were dating yourself and giving him the credit for your work.

yoursultana · 2021-11-06T19:09:32+00:00

I liked your post but there were PLENTY OF THINGS WRONG WITH YOUR EX. It’s not okay to label him as a good guy when he wasn’t. That man didn’t care about you much at all.

warinmymind94 · 2021-11-07T06:42:25+00:00

Good post. A lot of us that are recovering pickmes or new to FDS often think guys like your previous boyfriend really think men like that are "so good" and "great catches" when they really are lousy, not even meeting the bare minimum men. He wasn't planning and he paid sometimes which sounded like that was his way of 50/50.

Your current boyfriend is a real example of a man that ACTUALLY is "good". He makes effort, he doesn't cheap out, his intentions are clear, he makes time for you and values you and shows it.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-11-06T11:59:30+00:00

I’m SO happy for you!! Know your worth and never settle!! 🥂

Sewud · 2021-11-06T15:52:00+00:00

This is great! I am trying to change too from the mindset of being cool with anything to thinking it's okay if a guy treats me nicely. I find it so hard to make that change in my beliefs.

WaitWaitHeart · 2021-11-06T16:40:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. When you get a chance at the end of this fun filled weekend, please fill us in on how you met this bf. Thankyou!

qwaliY · 2021-11-06T12:50:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2021-11-06T13:35:04+00:00

[permanently deleted]

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-11-07T00:34:52+00:00

Fantastic!

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2021-11-06T22:07:13+00:00

Had me in the first half, ngl

Title	I left a perfectly good man because FDS made me believe I could do better. And you were right
Author	thighvalue
Upvotes	2441
Comments	63
Date	November 6, 2021 11:16 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qny6x8/i_left_a_perfectly_good_man_because_fds_made_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-left-a-perfectly-good-man-because-fds-made-me.1085624 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085624