I don’t know how to really expand on this. I’m 19F and boyfriend is the same age as me. He’s not in college, doesn’t work (he babysits which is a job I got for him, but that’s only a couple hours a week), overweight, etc.

I know I deserve better. We’ve both let ourselves go since we started dating—it’s been two years—but at the moment I think I’m out of his league in terms of looks. But i’m in college and doing well, I have a part time job and an internship lined up for the spring. Apart from this relationship my 2020 is on track to be perfect. He already ruined my New Years and has yelled (literally screamed at the top of his lungs) at me almost every day since then. The sex isn’t great either. I know I should leave but I get flashes of self doubt. I had horrible self esteem growing up and even if I try to compare myself to him and come out better in every aspect—health, academics, career, finances, social—I can’t help but feel I won’t find anyone better.

I read posts on here about women who have found HVM and I feel like I’ll never find that. I know FDS is against settling and logically I know 19 is too young to settle anyway, but I feel like I can’t leave.

We broke up once this past March for a month and I went on Tinder and it was not good. That was a big part of why we got back together. How do women even find HVM? If I break up with someone who I know is mediocre, am I doomed to wade through a pool of men who are even worse, just in the hopes that someone will eventually not be garbage?

I know this is a lot of ranting so I’m sorry and thank you for reading this far if you have, I just desperately need advice. I’ve felt this way for a few months now and I don’t want anything or anyone holding my 2020 back.