I want to share something with you guys.....

IdealMiserable6522 · 2021-01-16T19:45:32+00:00

I was told by 2 LVM exes that the type of man/relationship I wanted didn't exist, and I was "too demanding."

I'm not "demanding" anything I don't give, motherfucker.

I'm now proud to say that I'm almost 10 years into a relationship with a man I have never caught in a lie, tells me I'm beautiful and amazing multiple times a day, co-parents like he should, attentive and giving lover, supports my business goals and hobbies, etc...and knows I will leave him if he can't keep it up because I don't mind being alone as much as I mind being angry.

pickadaisy · 2021-01-16T19:48:42+00:00

I agree with you. While I think that all of us should be extremely cautious, I don’t think we should allow it to make us feel hopeless if we are still seeking romantic partners.

carlther · 2021-01-16T20:56:19+00:00

I have also had men tell me that I couldn't do any better than them. It plants a seed of doubt making it more likely that you are to stay with them, especially if you seek comfort and personal connection with another person. I think that the OP it's just cautioning not to believe them when they try to manipulate you in this way.

__kamikaze__ · 2021-01-16T19:23:38+00:00

IMO HVM exist, but they are far and few between. Realistically there aren’t enough HVM go around.

With that being said, I’m not going to settle for a LVM. I view being alone as neutral, while settling for a LVM would put me at a deficient that detracts from the quality of my life.

QueensJuju · 2021-01-16T22:13:58+00:00

I understand what you're saying, but there are many women here without HVM in their lives. Not in their families, not at their jobs, not amongst their friends, and not in their love life. They are even rare in media and art.

That's where the "negativity" is coming from. From the many abusive things real, actual men have done to us. In that setting, saying negative words and thoughts attract negativity isn't relevant or necessarily true. Negative things happen to women regardless of what we say or do because we are being targeted. Here in this sub, saying negative things is extremely important. It's how we learn that things we used to see as tolerable or even positive, are actually toxic. Here, saying negative things is empowering because in other places our words and experiences aren't honored we are shut down by men and Pickme's. Here, there are two choices: dating a man who respects us or remaining single - AND ACCEPTING THAT REMAINING SINGLE IS OK.

There can be a lot of sadness around accepting the idea that you might not have the romantic future previously envisioned. It could mean changing or leaving behind the goal of motherhood. There can be a lot of resentment about the poor quality of male partners available, or poor father figures. And all of that should be talked about here if women feel they need to. Yes, we don't want to wallow, but I think this sub does an excellent job of focusing on the ways we enrich ourselves. It's about us, but sometimes that means we go it alone because there is not a HVM in our lives. And saying they are rare, that we are no longer putting energy into worrying about them or seeking them out, is the opposite of negative. I find it freeing and ultimately, it brings good things to me.

nanofarm · 2021-01-16T22:33:23+00:00

I want to make a spectate comment to say that I have personally know several truly good HV men. Ive known them well and also known their spouses well and see their actions over time and can hold them to the same standards I hold for the best women I know and I truly admire them for their integrity and how they show up in the world. I am not attracted to any of them and don’t want a relationship with someone just like them or anything like that- but I do hold these men up as evidence that there are HV men out there and they are rare but not that rare.

Papaverinum · 2021-01-16T20:33:38+00:00

Even if HVM exist, we're still overwhelmed by NVM, pickmies and everything they represent. It's depressing, to put it lightly.

overit_af · 2021-01-16T20:59:54+00:00

This is fucking gold. Everyone read this twice!! I get so tired of my lady friends saying that all men are shit or that HV men don’t exist. If you truly believe it, that’s exactly what you’ll see/get.

nanofarm · 2021-01-16T22:29:40+00:00

I am so glad to see this here. I’ve been dating a great guy for more than a year- he has been 100% consistent and stable the entire time. But I keep looking for things to go wrong, to the point that I catch myself acting LV but being negative and critical.

I think it’s good to vet and keep yourself independent regardless but also be careful that you don’t create the experience of no options for yourself.

What we believe and the cognitive bias that goes with that is powerful— your brain will overlook the bad behavior and make excuses for shitty guys and we have to train ourselves to think differently BUT that same brain can also overlook the HV qualities in someone and scan for any sign of something going wrong or cause you to overlook or reject a HV person over something that shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

I think getting really clear on what your values are and what you want in a big picture way can help with this but I’d love to hear how other women are helping their brain recognize and appreciate HV behavior without rewarding the bare minimum and how to determine a deal breaker vs being a HV man who is also human.

CaktusJacklynn · 2021-01-17T01:22:50+00:00

Don't forget that LVM/NVM have pick mes on their side, keeping the myth of the rare HVM alive.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been told that if I wanted a man, I would have to build him. And this came from other women.

darkhorse8419 · 2021-01-16T20:56:09+00:00

Even if they exist, there’s not enough to go around. Not all of us are going to get one, and this sub is good about preparing us to live our lives without male companionship

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-01-16T19:38:16+00:00

[removed]

featherflowers · 2021-01-17T17:50:58+00:00

Sorry in advance this is a long one. But this post spoke to my experience since finding FDS last March and I wanted to share my story.

My friends will tell you that I'm a little bit hippie and woo woo. So I'm totally on board already with what you're saying about the power of your words. I too was worried that sometimes the negative confirmation bias here gets to me. So I took the time to write down everything I don't want. And then I wrote down everything that I do want in a partnership and really took time to try to feel how I would want to feel in that relationship. I spent a lot of time on this.

While I was doing this I dated intentionally. I vetted. I learned how to let men pay (that was a big change for me but I fully understand the importance of it now that I've put it into practice), I learned how to watch and listen and hold my tongue so that a man couldn't pretend to be what I wanted to trap me into a relationship. Most importantly, I learned how to walk away from things not meant for me and how to enforce my boundaries in ALL areas of my life, at work, in family and friend relationships, and in dating. And I believed. I believed that I deserved better than being a forever girlfriend, than emotional and financial abuse and all the bullshit I put up with with my exes.

I figured out what I wanted and I believed in my dream. I was in a wedding this year and was forced into a lot of socializing with pick mes who would tell me I was being too picky. That I was asking too much. I dropped a guy for not telling me he had a kid and a girl said well if you were getting along great maybe you could let that slide. Nope that is not a part of my dream partnership to be a step mom, I'm keeping it moving. Another guy turned out to be a sex offender! A different girl in the wedding party had the audacity to say oh he told me and (her forever boyfriend) about that, it wasn't that big of a deal. Excuse me, what?!!!!! a judge felt it was necessary to put him on the Megan's law website it is absolutely a big deal. So I've seen the LVM shit while dating. It is definitely the rule, not the exception. Pick me women abound.

However, I kept journaling and sticking to my standards and speaking my standards over myself. I did not tolerate bullshit. I did not let the pick me attitude of women around me to lower my standards. I would date and walk away at the first red flag, no second chances, no negotiating, just block and delete. Although a lot of things were absolutely awful about 2020, it was also one of the best years of my life. I was doing what I wanted to do and focused on leveling up my own life. I achieved so many goals that I set for myself, I read so many books and did a lot of crafts, I have been living my best life. I spent so many years as a forever girlfriend always focused on pleasing my man to try to avoid his emotional abuse that I never had time for myself. As soon as I put myself first everything changed and my life got so much better.

I'm waiting a few more months to do a full post. But I connected with a man in October. We have been official for two months now. So far our relationship is exactly my vision. But better because there are even more things I didn't even think of because I was not used to being treated this well. Nothing but green flags. I was very cautious at first but he put out the energy that I had always given to my exes immediately, to me right from the start. He knows what he wants and it's me. He not only tells me this, he shows me this every day with his actions. He is an amazing example of "if he wanted to, he would." Obviously two months is not very long but I've known him peripherally for over a year. His reputation is sterling and I'm still vetting for our compatibility long term but I see a future with him. And he does with me as well. He knows it's too soon to make promises but has made it clear that he wants marriage and children and that he can see these things happening with me. With him I feel safe, I feel valued, I feel cherished and adored, I feel respected, and I feel loved. It is possible to find a high value man. You just have to figure out what you want and believe that it's out there waiting for you. You just have to be ready to receive. Level up your life and your mindset and the partnership you desire will come to you.

miss_peach94 · 2021-01-16T19:23:28+00:00

There's an air of victim blaming in this post. I've met really positive happy women who still attract ain't shit men

Until I'm proved wrong by a HVM which is yet to happen (I'm 26 and meeting a string of arse holes and doesn't seem to come to an end), I believe all men to be NV/LV

AnniaT · 2021-01-16T22:31:36+00:00

HVM do exist for sure, it's just that they're harder to access and HV people in general are more rare to find, But this doesn't mean we should settle for LVM/NVM (which is what these men want us to do) and we should only accept HVM as romantic partners.

FirePreferred · 2021-01-16T21:03:33+00:00

WOW. Thank you for this. This is exactly where I am at and needed to hear this. THANK YOU! If I had gold I'd give it.

HVM do exist and one of them is my future partner. Affirming this now. :)

_mooness · 2021-01-16T22:05:03+00:00

I honestly didn’t realize this 🥺

carlid13 · 2021-01-17T05:13:37+00:00

Thank you. In every courtship I’ve had (and one relationship), I’m the one who’s been broken up with (most recently on New Years Day).

The feeling of rejection over and over again really has taken a toll on me. It hurts, but I need to move on and remember that I am the prize. That, and listening to Sharon Jones’ “100 Days, 100 Nights” on repeat - “you know a man/can play the part/of a saint/just so long/for the day comes/when his true self unfolds.”

sarahbae03 · 2021-01-16T23:41:49+00:00

I've needed to hear this for a while. Thank you for the reminder and the hope.

4E4ME · 2021-01-17T23:28:51+00:00

I read this post this morning and I have been thinking about it all day. I believe that this is the most important post I have ever read on FDS. Because I agree that many of us are not raised with an example of a HVM anywhere in our lives, and we fall prey to the idea that they do not exist.

Take heed Ladies.

Title	I want to share something with you guys.....
Author	CountingDownTheDays5
Upvotes	328
Comments	42
Date	January 16, 2021 7:14 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kyp8be/i_want_to_share_something_with_you_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-want-to-share-something-with-you-guys.735027 https://theredarchive.com/post/735027