~ archived since 2018 ~

I would choose me

July 12, 2021
441 upvotes

When I was 18 I dated someone casually who was became friends with one of my girl friends around the same time we went on a few dates. He ended up discarding me after I slept with him and got into a serious relationship with my friend (with some overlap unbeknownst to me).

I was devastated at the time, and i let it destroy my self esteem for a long time, and I felt betrayed that my friend would discard me as quickly as he did.

It’s been about 5 years since this happened and they are still together, living together happily and she recently apologised to me for the way I was treated, but was in denial that his behaviour was sexist and wrong.

Looking back made me realise I was being protected, as I have spent the last 5 years studying various degrees and languages, travelling and making friends all over the world and focusing on myself and shaping my life as one should in their early twenties.

I was so envious that my friend had got the long term boyfriend, and a house where they live together, which in my mind at the time was what I wanted and what I saw as desirable for my life.

if I could choose between spending the beginning of my twenties with a man that treats women based on their benefit to him at a given time, and the path that unfolded for me, I would choose mine 100 times over.

I wish my friend nothing but happiness and she seems to be making her own achievements in life, but I wanted to share that sometimes that shitty situation or rejection is actually to protect you because you have better and bigger things in store.

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[–]EclecticBarbarellaFDS Disciple 82 points83 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I can look back at my life and see so many points where I didn’t get what I thought I wanted, and it ended up being the best possible thing. What I “wanted” would have been horrible in the long run, or would have kept me from getting an opportunity or achievement that ended up being what I actually wanted.

I wanted to marry the guy I was dating at 18 (spoiler alert, it would have been TERRIBLE in so many ways) and he fucked around and pissed me off bad enough that I was just done. After he realized I was actually leaving, he proposed but it was too late. Six months later, I was so much happier and learned so much from that, I’m so thankful

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My favourite mantra is “rejection is protection” ❤️

[–]thecrazywitch31FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Truueeee. There were a lot of things that I didn't get what I wanted, and often, looking back things turned out better. I'm not a perfect position rn but I couldn't ask for better.

Also, looking back, I wanted those things Because I either didn't know what I wanted so went where others told me to go, or I wanted validation, or there was something better waiting for me :)

[–]Golden_LavenderFDS Newbie 75 points76 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Whats your technique for learning languages on your own? Is there an app you recommend or did you go to classes?

[–]MaingurlFDS Apprentice 27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd like to know this too!

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 44 points45 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I use duolingo! I find that it’s great for learning basics and then I will do my own practice by listening to podcasts/YouTube videos while I sleep or exercise, I have also done a few short college classes in various languages & would highly recommend.

[–]ApartPersonalityFDS Newbie 70 points71 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Your “friend” sucks. It’s kind of you that you don’t feel bitterness towards her but you’d be justified if you did and you don’t owe her forgiveness. You also don’t have to stay in her life just because you’re not mad.

You will meet people who will be a true friend to you. You don’t have to stick around with people who have proven that they are not your friend.

[–]queen-wannabeFDS Newbie 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This energy and mindset is something that a lot of people need, especially women. Preach queen. ☝️

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 26 points27 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think I really underplayed my feelings in this post, I was basically kicked out of my friend group over this situation and my friends stopped inviting me out and looked at me like I was a homewrecker for having a relationship with this man right before she did! I was extremely hurt and angry especially at her, but when we ran into each other recently she admitted that she was insecure and felt threatened by me and was really apologetic. I no longer hold onto any of that anger toward her and I have made so many amazing new friends in the time we have been separated. It was all for the best in the end and I get really weird vibes from my ex friend group. Great advice/point!

[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your ex-friends turned against you after your ex-boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend? Fuck all of them. Glad you're doing well.

[–]babyeshonaFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sometimes friends can be very bad :( I feel bad for younger u.

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Me too :( bless her heart, but it was a win in the end ❤️❤️

[–]queenofswordsxxxFDS Newbie 184 points185 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You don’t know what their relationship is like behind the scenes. If he discarded you, he can discard her too. Who knows maybe she lets him do anal at a Walmart parking lot, she puts up with his sexist bs etc.

You dodged a bullet IMO.

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is exactly how I feel. He obviously gives me a very bad vibe because of the way I was treated and I actually caught him lurking on my social media recently which is so weird! I hope she wises up before it’s too late

[–]kinkardineFDS Newbie 46 points47 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I had the same thing happened to me, I was heartbroken more that my friend ditched me over a cheater, at that moment I was trying to protect her from the guy but the guy framed me as jealous and my x friend believed him. It took almost a decade to heal. But I also came across time to time while my classmates used to discuss nasty relationships, they sometimes brought my ex friend’s relationship with that guy. I felt anxious that the guy tested every limit with my friend, he continued cheating, and my ex friend endured a fair amount of humiliation and sacrifice to be in that relationship. Relationships are never meant to suffer us, it would be something to uplift our soul. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that we ourselves are never complete and that makes us going into unhealthy directions.

[–]queen-wannabeFDS Newbie 23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We’re conditioned to need a man in order for him to “complete” us lmao

[–]discoveringlibertyFDS Newbie 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This resonates with me. I went travelling for the first time when I was 20 and met a guy at one of the hostels I was staying at. I had never felt such chemistry and been so attracted to a guy before. I honestly felt like I was in a movie, because I met him by chance on my last day of travelling when I hadn't even planned to leave my room. I flew back home and the plan was for us to meet up when he got back (he was travelling for another few weeks). We still kept talking via text but as soon as he met another girl(s) he started sending me really half-ass messages and I deleted him and we never spoke again (even as a pickme I was very easily offended by guys, haha).

For the next year I floated, with no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had been floating before travelling too, ever since I'd dropped out of uni at 18. Then one day something just clicked and I decided to qualify as a lawyer. I've just finished my first year of my part-time degree with high grades, I've landed a well paid job in a respected organisation which means I don't have to take out a student loan and am not getting into debt, I've met some wonderful girls through volunteering and have been having so much fun with them, and I found FDS which has saved me from a life of pickmeism. I bet none of this would have happened if he hadn't blown me off - I was so young and naive, and so into him, that I definitely would have made him my whole world. Plus, he was in the military. After spending time on FDS I now count that as a massive red flag so I reckon I dodged a bullet.

[–]pretty_killFDS Apprentice 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for this perspective. It’s always better to be true to yourself and follow your own path than to be tied down to someone, following theirs. I’ve had such amazing experiences in my life and it was due to things I decided to live out on my own. Up until recently I always thought I would meet someone or need someone to have a good life, but now I know I will have a good life regardless and the only way someone else is joining me is if they add value to my life and treat me better than I treat myself.

[–]dancedancedance7FDS Newbie 24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is so true. The times I've been rejected, I ended up crying about it with my beloved Ben and Jerry's, but uh, I dunno, I traveled a ton, tripled my income, began eating super healthy, and developed a an awesome sense of style 😆 LVM sponge up all your freetime

[–]all_or_nothing_betFDS Apprentice 18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Looks like they have found each other. To each their own. You know how sometimes you look at the dumpster fire of a person with a seemingly lovely partner and think "who in their right mind would marry/date you" but then you get to know that seemingly lovely partner better and go "ok, nevermind. I see know" and slowly back away? This might be the case.

[–]Inspection-CriticalFDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This. Garbage often finds its own level.

[–]alichuchuFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be quite honest, I highly doubt that they’re “living happily” if he’s this kind of man: slept with his current girlfriend’s friend right before he got with her. He’s definitely a piece of shit. So sorry about that! And you’re absolutely right. You will see it was truly a good thing that you aren’t with him!!

[–]san__404FDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I resonate with OP so much!

anytime, ladies, you feel hidden, its actually to protect you and redirect you towards better things.

[–]arnezuaraFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I know this will be me in the span of the next couple of months, definitely years as well — at the end of the day, my relationship wouldn’t have been worth my time and effort. It wouldn’t be the marriage him or I would want, either. I am very grateful for the life lessons I learned in my former partnership.

I had a very stressful breakup a month ago, the effects of which I am dealing with at the moment. I hope it ends soon, as I’m working on it.

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That sounds incredibly hard, I feel your pain and I wish you all the love & healing ❤️

[–]arnezuaraFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you ❤️ Same to you as well

[–]mashibeansFDS Apprentice 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Living together happily? Maybe, but given the way both of them treated you, they both sound low value. She's a raging pickme and he's a scrote, no two ways about it. They might look or claim to be happy, but how are things behind doors?

The last three most recent relationships I can recall being witness to, they all claim to be "happy" yet only one of them the man seems high value enough to be a positive addition to the woman's life.

The other one: one has loads of money, but besides building stuff (so at least points to the husband for that) she does everything in the house. Clean, wash, cook, organize, take care of the kids, and much more I won't mention for privacy. At least she's high energy and loves to be needed this way, but I'd be dead before I did everything she does.

The other one: lives in a tiny 1br apt with husband and kids. Husband is stingy AF and penny pinches. He has a dream to open a restaurant, and she's gonna be the manager, AKA she's a prop for HIS dream, all resources go towards this dream of his. At least he provides, but I'd be damned if I was living her life of being a supporting character in someone else's life.

Like others said, they seem to deserve each other. You're too good for them. I'd recommend keeping a VERY healthy distance, if you can't quite cut them off completely.

[–]Eden199607FDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“Shitty situation or rejection is actually to protect you because you have better and bigger things in store” This needs to be amplified. It has been my mantra since 17 and it will continue to be to remind me that everything in life happens for a reason.

[–]poody456FDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

They have been cut off thankfully! I am still friendly to them of course, he can barely look at me when I run into them lol.

[–]babyeshonaFDS Newbie 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I always see this happening around me. So general advice is that don't introduce your friends to your man and most girls bitch about their pretty friend to their bf so that their man won't be stolen. But if he could be so easily stolen why would u want that anyway. Good riddance

[–]Revy_Ur_EnginesFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’ve heard older women just complain about their man to their friends so that they won’t “steal” him

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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