Right, no more time wasters. I'm an alpha female and I deserve the best πŸ’― If you want me to even consider dating me you must meet this simple and realistic set of criteria:

  • Must be aged between 25 and 26, even though I'm a solid 15 years older than that. Your value will only decline with age so I want to buy some time.
  • 9/10 only. If you're an 8 you better have some magic skills.
  • Must be taller than 6ft, but not over 6ft.
  • Blue eyes or green eyes. No brown eyes, unless they're greenish-brown.
  • Will accept any hair colour except red, blonde, sandy blonde, dark blonde, grey, brunette, or black. No exceptions.
  • Must wash all body parts with at least 2 different types of soap/shampoo. 3 in 1 not accepted.
  • Must have not had any physical contact with anyone since 3rd grade. No exceptions.
  • Must have a masculine, manly physique, but hidden away under conservative clothing. Your hairy legs are for my eyes only!!!!!
  • Must be educated and intelligent, but not more educated and intelligent than I am. This won't be difficult because I have 23 degrees in IT, an IQ of 167, and I am the most popular member of Mensa.
  • Must be strong, but not stronger than me. If you can crush an exhaust pipe with your bare hands, you're too strong, move along.
  • Must want kids and be the fatherly type.
  • No kids, no exceptions.
  • Must obey me at all times. The only exception is obeying God and Jeebus.
  • No boys weekends or nights out, unless it is to go to cooking camp or stitch and bitch, which I will chaperone.
  • Must accept that I have girlfriends and will go on girls weekends and nights out to bathe naked in mud and dance with the devil in the woods at midnight, all while burning coriander and listening to Kate Bush.
  • Must not have any female friends. Family not excepted.
  • Must be able to wield an axe, repair a combine harvester motor without tools, and build me a 4 storey house from trees you cut down with your teeth while fighting off a pack of wolves with aforementioned axe wielding skills.
  • Must be prepared to fight and die in a war. If there are no wars, must be prepared to start one to prove your preparedness to fight to the death for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
  • Must prepare 3 course meals, twice a day, served on a silver platter. Meals must arrive at the climax to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake Finale.
  • Must be able to knit, sew, crochet, cross stitch, embroider, and draw me like a French girl with photo-realistic accuracy. Painting is acceptable but not preferred.
  • Creatives need not apply. Too high maintenance and experimental.
  • Must have a 6 figure salary and a career you never want to leave.
  • Must be willing to give up career and stay home to bake and tend to 18 babies while I provide for my own personal hobbies and interests. I get to pick their names.

I receive a high volume of messages and I'm really busy running around being an absolute alpha boss woman. You'll really have to impress me for me to find the time to respond.

Good luck gentlemen! I'm waiting.