Is bad sex a deal-breaker?

grittex · 2021-11-06T04:42:07+00:00

No foreplay, no play. You may need to tell him what you like, but until he's getting you off enthusiastically and well, nothing further. If he can't or won't figure that out, no dice.

AAlegend8 · 2021-11-06T02:27:33+00:00

Sex will become a chore with him if he isn’t good at it. Throw in a full-time job, a breast-feeding child, and a wide variety of annoyances and you’ll have a dead bedroom. Take bad sex very seriously. Also why shouldn’t you have good sex? It exists, and it should exist for you. Do you really want to commit to not orgasming from desire and skill for life? That’s a huge sacrifice in my opinion.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-11-06T03:33:38+00:00

Don't act satisfied or fake anything whatever you do. Men only improve in bed if you make it very clear he's not doing a good job. Body language should be all you need to get the message across (e.g. roll over in bed, frown). He should literally be thinking "damn I need to please her or I'm gonna lose her". He doesn't get to orgasm until he satisfies YOU. If he takes the hint, he should start asking Qs like "does that feel good? Tell me what you like/want/need". If he doesn't seem to care....bye boy.

AgingFrenchWhore · 2021-11-06T02:14:33+00:00

I'm going to be brutally honest here: every time I came across a man who couldn't keep full mast, he turned out to be a porn addict of some level. Even the ones who were excellent at foreplay. They were great at it because they've been dealing with not being able to perform, keep it up or finish so this is how they made up for this. They all tried to manually keep themselves up during foreplay. Even grabbing themselves just to switch positions. Proceed with caution! 🚩⚠️❗

thisissomeshitman · 2021-11-06T02:10:15+00:00

There are several reasons why he couldn’t stay at full mast: most likely anti-depressants, anxiety about first interaction, or too much porn usage. The sucky at giving head part usually goes hand in hand with the porn usage (they don’t really know or understand or care to figure out what feels good, but rather will just mimic the performative aspects of oral seen in porn). I’m a big believer in “running the bases” aka kissing, hand stuff, oral, all before sex is on the table. if he can’t make you cum with his mouth or has the audacity to make it feel like it’s YOUR issue with cumming that makes it possible, it’s a no from me, dog. If he seems attentive and willing to try again with full focus on you, then yellow flag with continued vetting but i wouldn’t fuck him till he made me cum 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’m ruthless with sex because i’ve seen it all and understand that while Anti-depressants 100% make it difficult to get hard, the vast majority of guys have fetishes or a porn addiction

InjuryOnly4775 · 2021-11-06T05:11:53+00:00

I don’t think it’s going to work and here’s why. It’s not all about getting off and having the connection. If a man can’t stay erect for a whole session, something is up either mentally or physically (bad pun intended lol). Is it pre diabetes? ED? Blood pressure? Can only hump when he’s drunk/ high on coke? He has intimacy issues? He’s thinking about his grandmother shaming him for masturbation as a teen? I don’t know snd don’t want to know… I’m not a dr and worrying about what it is and if I caused it or could fix it will drive me nuts. If you’re early in and this happened, I would just bail. I’ve dealt with this a couple times and both men were the ‘let’s pretend that didn’t happen’ and never seek medical advice type. Don’t even waste anymore time, because I would bet 98.9% there’s an issue here only he can work through. And 99% chance he won’t.

Pryras · 2021-11-06T05:19:39+00:00

Oh it definitely is. As for the guy you’re seeing, it could be just performance anxiety. He could be completely comfortable and into it but could easily be overthinking without you noticing.

If you mention how you like this and that and he doesn’t make an effort the next time you’re in an intimate setting, then it’s a dealbreaker.

The worst sex I ever had was with my ex bf who body shamed me during it. It was my first time, I was naive to not end things right there, and I was horrified!

sarahbae03 · 2021-11-06T10:35:37+00:00

My girl he's had 3 months to rev himself up to be with you and then triped at the finish line. Not good. Any stable, healthy man would be raring to go! 3 months is the MINIMUM for vetting a guys interest sexually. Preceed with caution and stay vigilant. Drop him at the first sign of scrotery.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-06T02:59:21+00:00

Guys who are motivated can learn skills BUT if he can’t keep it up long the first time I don’t think that bodes well for the future. IME that won’t improve

thatshadywitch · 2021-11-06T10:42:41+00:00

I don't want to blow up your hopes, but I believe this isn't very promising. For starters, if he is that bad at foreplay from the very beginning, it's not gonna get better, and I can tell you this from personal experience. Most of the time it isn't because of inexperience, they just don't care enough. ED might be indeed performance anxiety, but it could also be porn addiction (my ex also had ED on our first encounter, and turns out he was a massive porn addict). Finally, the mere fact that you've expressed your doubts here and asked for advice is indicative that your guts are telling you something, in my opinion. Please listen to your intuition, and good luck!

Scar-Crazy · 2021-11-06T12:19:45+00:00

Nah, sis. Just walk away. I experienced this and attributed it to the antidepressants he was on (we were both active duty military with combat related PTSD, so it made sense at the time). But… huge but, he was terrible at foreplay. In my pickmeisha days I figured he was HV in every other way and says he wants to learn. I decide I can teach him, because “it’s about the journey, not the destination “ Fast forward ten years: he still has ED, still hasn’t learned foreplay “because it’s too hard” , complaining of a dead bedroom (scrote had a spreadsheet), never once made me cum without my active assistance. I wake up to being sexually assaulted. By my husband. My husband. Spoiler: it happened more than once. If he wanted to, he would. Please keep yourself safe. Some men who cannot perform are predators. Or become predators. Even if you are married to them. Always continue to vet.

arnezuara · 2021-11-06T02:18:44+00:00

I understand the excitement. However, I hope that you’re keeping a roaster of suitors. Three months, in my personal opinion, is too soon to tell whether or not he’s a good male; hell, it’s too soon for him to develop feelings/attachment for you.

I would say, you may give it another chance — if he underperforms again, drop him. Vet harder next time.

To answer your question: A high quality, healthy sex life is a must for a woman. He needs to be great at sex.

sh3sallthat · 2021-11-06T05:36:05+00:00

From my experience, even if all the other boxes are checked, if you can't have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner that doesn't involve/result in you're needs being met, it's never going to change and eventually if you end up staying with them long enough, you'll see those other check boxes began to get unchecked real quick.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-11-06T16:15:19+00:00

"Tell him what feels good"

If he can't tell from your body language then he's ignoring it because he doesn't care.

If he's past his first girlfriend and he is terrible in bed it's because he doesn't care at all.

I once taught a man to be better in bed. He got a little bit better. Then very quickly lost all interest is sex because it was too much work to care about my experience too.

Op, you are doing the pickme backslide. Is this really what you want for the next 30 years? You already did it once, was it not enough? Don't weaken in your resolve!

Next time you have to vet for sexual compatibility as well.

Evaluate his kissing technique, evaluate his over the clothing technique, evaluate clothing on grinding and his rhythm. At this point check his size and firmness. At 2.5 months or so evaluate his manual skills, next his oral skills. If he fails at any one of these levels dump him immediately.

Only if he passes all of these tests do you have sex with him.

blessedwiththree · 2021-11-06T16:40:39+00:00

My personal deal breaker is ED of any kind for men within my dating age range, sorry, but I'm sick of it being normalized.

Why should I have to settle for a man that cannot have sex? How many men would sign up for a relationship where they could never physically have sex? That's right, they wouldn't. I refuse to choose someone who isn't sexually functional for an abnormal reason. ED is NOT NORMAL for young men and for healthy middle aged men it shouldn't be either. Plenty of men have no problem getting hard and staying hard. It's so disappointing that so many men get the excuse that it's "PeFoRmAnCe AnXiEtY". Hate to break it to these men, but it's actually called "I broke my penis due to porn use". So what if they can supposedly "retrain" themselves by stopping because the damage is already done. They might be able to fix it for awhile, but they were so addicted and susceptible to porn that it happened in the first place, so I guarantee they will resume the porn use sooner or later. They were too weak to have the self control or the critical thinking skills to abstain from the inappropriate and exploitative content that they actually ruined their dick over it!

Are there men that legitimately have ED due to antidepressants? Yes. Are there older men that experience it due to age or medical complications? Yes. But now there is a LARGE increase in porn addicted younger men, who cannot keep it up for real women. We have to stop making excuses about performance anxiety for men because most of the time it is NOT this. The only time I've seen this happen is with men that are addicted to porn and have severe kinks. Normal healthy men that do not have these issues get hard all the time, like when you start kissing them or even get close to them.

At this point any sign of ED would be an instant next for me. Why would I stay in a relationship with a man who can't even keep it up, when there are plenty of men who can? I should be able to have at the very least 15 years of solid good sex with a man around my age and I'm not going to rob myself of that. I'm not willing to date a man with porn issues, mental health issues or medical issues (because at this age there shouldn't be those types of medical issues). I understand long term things may change years from now after a long term relationship (due to aging bodies/medical etc), but I'm not signing up for it now when it's out of the norm and indicative of bigger issues.

I personally think if he couldn't stay hard you are looking at a man with bigger issues than you think (I mean unless he's like 60)? A working penis is a pretty big deal and knowing how the only two men I've seen this happen with have had big time porn issues and the other 99 percent (up to a 45 year old) did not have these issues, I would be weary of continuing with this guy if good or even decent sex is important to you.

MissouriBlue · 2021-11-06T02:50:52+00:00

First Time performance anxiety, could be the issue.

Watch other aspects of his personality. Watch other aspects of his bedtime skillset. Watch other aspects of EVERYTHING… he may be Porn Sick. Or he might have just had an off night.

Vet.

faultierin · 2021-11-06T10:49:47+00:00

If he is a grown man and doesnt care about the foreplay... it is not going to get better. And the second thing: either anxiety bc of your first time or porn sickness

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-06T14:58:09+00:00

You were already intimate with him, so don’t shy away from the hard questions (no pun intended). Do not sleep with him again unless you have this conversation. You need to know if he has ED. If he does, there is no point in continuing. If he isn’t willing to do foreplay or service your needs, there is no point in continuing. If he is a chronic porn user, there is no point in continuing. If this situation doesn’t do an immediate 180, there is no point in continuing. I know it sounds mean. Tough shit. That’s his problem.

lolmemberberries · 2021-11-06T14:54:20+00:00

Bad at foreplay and can't keep it up are both dealbreakers for me.

happytosayhi993 · 2021-11-06T06:25:57+00:00

Sex is just such a huge indicator. This may seem woo, but I honestly see it as an energy exchange and if it’s not working, there is probably a reason. My healthiest relationships have been the ones with the best sex. So necessary. The more you “inspire” or “convince” or “suggest” him to improve his skills, the more he could resent you - which ends in relationship failure.

Most men think they are God’s gift to the world and they just want women to be so thankful and grateful for whatever they have to offer. It’s an ego issue.

I say, give him a few more chances maybe and then cut your losses. Hopefully you’ve got a few other guys in the multidating rotation, so it won’t be such a loss.

medusas_heiress · 2021-11-06T08:22:30+00:00

If the sex is bad from the beginning and stays bad, ofc it‘s a deal breaker. Why would you settle for unsatisfactory sex? There really plenty of ways to improve sex. Can‘t keep an erection the first time you two are together? There‘s definitely something wrong.

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-11-06T02:27:13+00:00

Small dick, finish in a min, sucked at giving head, horrible during sex my goodness do you need a hug? Cause girl everything you said made a tear leave my eye. Is this a deal breaker to me yes.

NotYourCirce · 2021-11-06T03:45:47+00:00

I have to wonder if you vetted long enough before having sex? That should ensure that you and him are comfortable enough to not have performance-anxiety issues. I’m getting the feeling if you keep seeing this guy, the mask or the other shoe will drop. It won’t be just the sex that is a red flag

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-06T14:50:34+00:00

It might not be a deal breaker. There is always a learning curve with a new partner. Now him not being able to stay erect is a red flag. Yes it could be nerves ,but more likely, it’s porn addiction. You were already intimate with him, so don’t be shy about asking him the hard questions. Ask him about sexual history. Does he use porn? How often? Is he willing to stop? Is he willing to do more foreplay at your direction? How many partners has he had?

myeggsarebig · 2021-11-06T09:24:22+00:00

I’m confused. Did you allow PIV without foreplay/enough foreplay? This is an opportunity to vet. If a man starts taking his pants off and I’m not ready, I say so. His reaction to this is where the dealbreaker lies. Does he joyfully offer more foreplay, letting you know that you’re safe to ask for what you want; that he values your desire for more foreplay; that he wants to please you because he respects you? If so, carry on.

If he unwillingly does what you ask, just so he can get laid, it will be obvious by his lack of enthusiasm/going through the motions. Or worse, he flat out says no, then it’s time to go.

I think you could give it another shot, but this time, don’t let him do anything until you’re good and ready.

DO NOT COMPROMISE BAD SEX. PERIOD.

chamomilepill · 2021-11-06T06:06:24+00:00

Can I just say something?

If he has a "performance anxiety" it is already a red flag. It's all in the name: he is performing. Sex that's performative derives from porn. A HVM knows the basics to make you cum: kisses well, has the right amount of pressure in his hands, he can find the clit and rub it. It's not rocket science.

If you think he might have a performance anxiety, dump him. He is not an artist, he shouldn't be performing shit while having sex.

Platipus6 · 2021-11-06T03:24:40+00:00

Tell him exactly what you want and expect in bed. Tell him this is a dealbreaker for you.

Give him one opportunity to research, improve and solve this problem on his own without 5 more explanations and hand-holding. Don't send him any books, links, blogs or paragraphs. If he has health issues he needs to go to a doctor and resolve that on his own. He needs to come clean about porn use or a family history of heart failure or whatever. If he fails next time in bed, yeet.

Muffcakelord · 2021-11-06T14:19:10+00:00

Being bad at sex is a choice or a serious health issue which is also either a choice to keep having untreated or keep lying about. Either he has to be obviously willing and eager to get better, or he's unempathethic and of low value.

All my partners were pretty bad the first time because of little experience but would make sure to do better, and the only time i choose to break up was when something even the snallest of bad habits or bad skills were ignored and not improved, especially sexually, because i read that as a clear message that they don't care anymore.

If he wants to, he will, and if he doesn't seem like running over himself to improve right now i'd let him go.

pozzalovah · 2021-11-06T10:40:47+00:00

Never settle tho

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-11-06T23:25:26+00:00

Why yes, ofc, bad sex is definitely a deal breaker. Don't put up with that, OP.

thewetdog_ · 2021-11-06T12:59:19+00:00

Then what are you getting from him?

Anything else you can get from your girlfriends and family.

Did you have privacy when you did it? (As in no roommates outside or something). Id day it could be first time awkwardness but imo that wouldn’t impact his erection, just the speed.

Give it one more weekend and if it’s not great then just be friends (if he’s a nice man he may have nice male friends you meet a year or two down the line). Don’t stick around more than that.

A solid, reliable erection is the absolute least a man has to bring to the table sexually. Even if he’s the best at everything else what are you gonna do with a limp dick?

That’s the kind of sympathy you have for your 60 year old husband whom you had a wonderful life, family and sex with for 30 years. In that case all the rest, including oral etc could make up the difference. But this doesn’t apply to some guy you just met. Throw him back into the dating pool.

Edit: never tell a man bad sex is the reason you’re leaving him. You can’t know who you’re dealing with and this could trigger rage in them and some could even kill you. Always be vague and its-not-you-it’s-me them.

anyrandomnameplease · 2021-11-06T03:20:12+00:00

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BabyGothQ · 2021-11-06T11:30:29+00:00

It depends. Is he willing and able to grow (teehee) and learn or is he lazy, selfish or pornsick? Does he seem concerned and engaged with your pleasure or is it more of an afterthought or a “oh you can cum too if you want”?

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-11-06T16:10:08+00:00

I really really REALLY hope his erectile problems aren’t due to porn, but since you seem to be sure about him being good then I don’t know what to say lol. If he’s good he wouldn’t watch porn PERIOT. Edit: These comments gave me something to think about….am I asexual or are men just disappointing? Also, not being attentive at sex means he will flounder in other things. Sure it’s not be all end all but women need multifaceted things and aren’t simple like men lol

ultblue7 · 2021-11-08T06:13:24+00:00

Question to you ladies—I understand needing him to put the effort in and have my own experiences where that did not happen and I had issues vocalizing my discomfort and thought I had to be grateful for what I had. But how did you all get good at sex? Ive only had two partners and I struggle alot with intimacy, getting turned on, and am hyperaware of my lack of experience which makes me insecure and ultimately less vocal in the bedroom.

PrettyPancakePolice · 2021-11-06T14:21:00+00:00

It is a deal-breaker - unless you can fix it. If he's worth it, give him a few more changes to improve and tell him what you want him to do. If he's still bad, then it's a dealbreaker.

My boyfriend had a lot of performance anxiety when we started dating because he wanted to be good enough for me and his job situation was bad. We had chemistry, he was good at giving head and he was so loving so I kept seeing him. It got better, he switched jobs and so his performance anxiety disappeared. But man was it a lot of work and to be honest, I'm not sure it was worth it.

Title	Is bad sex a deal-breaker?
Author	snowwy28
Upvotes	213
Comments	60
Date	November 6, 2021 2:02 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qnqbka/is_bad_sex_a_dealbreaker/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-bad-sex-a-deal-breaker.1085668 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085668