It doesn’t serve me to tell people that I’m happy not having had children.

Weekly-Choice8407 · 2021-11-06T18:20:15+00:00

In reference to the selfishness part…I just cannot understand that, and I think the truth is the exact opposite. Isn’t it more selfish to attempt to guilt someone into having children (so you can be a grandparent or aunt or what ever the case may be)? Wouldn’t it be a pretty crappy thing to a potential child to bring it in to the world with the intention of filling a some obligation or position?

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-06T22:28:31+00:00

I'm vocally childfree and I like going on the offensive to make these assholes uncomfortable. I'll declare I hate kids and have known since I was 11 that shitting out a kid wasn't for me because it unnerves them and they take a second to recover. I like to get pretty mean if the occasion warrants it :)

vaguelinen · 2021-11-06T19:01:25+00:00

I’d like to see an end to inappropriate questions. I have one child so I get asked when I’m having another or why I had just one.

I generally say I found the experience overrated so didn’t want another. That shuts them up.

rocksugarrr · 2021-11-06T20:51:12+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! I'm 18yo and just started med school this year. Med school in my country is 6 years, then 1 year of compulsory medical practice in rural areas and then 5 years of placement. If everything goes well,when I finish my education (without calculating time for a Master's or PhD degree), I'll be 30yo. That being said, I am unsure on whether I am interested in having children or not (leaning towards the second option as I currently see it). I understand that I am young and that this thought might change growing up, however I have noticed that, whenever I have mentioned not wanting to have kids to other girls my age (even classmates), they start being critical and say that they would rather not go into placement and have a family. It is really shocking (at least to me) seeing girls as young as 18 panicking at the idea that a woman might want to prioritize science/career/wellbeing/HERSELF over starting a family. Talk about cultural misogyny 😒

thewetdog_ · 2021-11-06T19:23:08+00:00

What is selfish about not having children? They literally don’t exist. Where do you draw the line - just having one is selfish against your second child that doesn’t exist? Or because your only child would be “alone”? But what about just having two, is that selfish as well?

Next time someone says you’re selfish, look at them with a deadpan blank expression and ask “what do you mean?” When they fumble be like “I don’t understand” and just let them dig themselves into a hole until they stop

Edit: my own comment on another post made me realize what they mean. You’re being selfish TOWARDS MEN. You’re not giving men kids, you’re not a mommy bang maid, you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do. Who the hell do you think you are? No man, no kids? So you just go to work and keep this money? Spend it on yourself? Come home and what? WAtch Netflix and order delicious food from a different cuisine every night? You get time off from work and what? Go on vacation with your friends? Enroll in a surf camp in Costa Rica at the age of 35? You’re not earning your keep in this world. See as a woman, independence is cute when you’re younger, when you’re proving how much of a contributing asset you’ll be to the man you settle down with… but after a certain age, it’s time to step into your role. Except now you’ve proven you can also contribute financially, that’s why at a certain age, “independence” become a bad thing for women. You’re supposedly to get in line eventually. And if you don’t, your selfish. Honestly now I want to make a post about this.

Mcccy · 2021-11-07T01:32:36+00:00

Tbh, screw them. Misery loves company. Our parents and grandparents were 'forced' to marry and have kids by their 20s (if not sooner) and waste their whole youth struggling mentally or/and financially.

Instead of realising you have a better alternative you're happier with, they decide to guilt trip you cause they were also pressured by their parents or simply got married cause they 'had' to after a certain age.

Like you said you don't have to give an answer, it's our choise and none of their business.

Keep doing what makes you happy

pretty_kill · 2021-11-06T18:48:10+00:00

Better to not have children than have children with a LVM just to have them.

I’m sorry society treats you this way. I wish we could normalize alternative lifestyles and life choices. Not having children does everyone else absolutely no harm. It shouldn’t matter.

Some-Air9442 · 2021-11-06T19:11:06+00:00

There is nothing wrong with you for being childfree.

Moreover, there is nothing wrong with “older” mothers having kids. There is nothing wrong with “single” mothers—I call them free mothers.

miaumiaoumicheese · 2021-11-06T18:25:52+00:00

I’m childfree too and I generally just don’t talk about it with other people because I don’t announce private things to no one and don’t explain myself to no one and there is something that I find sad about your answer - that woman has to suggest she can’t have children because the fact that she doesn’t want it is not enough just like your opinion and your plans about your own life aren’t reason to live this plans, doesn’t matter and have nothing to do with how this life looks like

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-11-06T20:20:41+00:00

I think faking tearful responses is stupid and a waste of time and energy.

I would just shrug and say I don't know. And then change the subject.

katiekat0214 · 2021-11-07T00:29:58+00:00

I'm like your sister, always childfree. I admire your struggle and your coming full circle, and agree, getting defensive is a waste of your energy. But I also get having a supply of zingers because of the badgering. It DOES get better.

In a world where as a woman you are GOING to be blamed no matter what, own it. If everyone in the entire world judges you negatively whether you have a kid or not, the only sane response is to please yourself. I just say "No kids, never wanted any" and if they persist with "but whyyyyy", I go grey rock and broken record: "Just didn't want to". I mean, that's what it all boils down to anyway, right? If he wanted to, he would. If we wanted to, we would. We didn't want to, so we didn't.

Personally I couldn't pull off the tearing up and saying "let's talk about something else" becaues there's no hurt, just relief and joy in not having kids. If you can do it, then do what works for you.

FireflySky86 · 2021-11-07T06:18:21+00:00

I am child free by choice, and I've always found it frustrating when people dismiss me by saying I'll change my mind "when I'm older/ meet the right person." It invalidates my choice and IMO the presumption that all women should have kids is extremely hurtful to other women who can't.

I agree that I don't owe anyone an explanation, as "I don't want to" is reason enough. I also don't feel like I'm not obligated to protect their feelings by not being honest about it either. It's really not my problem it someone gets angry at me for not wanting kids as it isn't anyone else's business nor does it affect them at all.

I get that your situation is different, and maybe you'd have some success in deflecting those conversations if people close to you are aware of it. They may feel uncomfortable bringing it up out of pity and avoid it, or they could still push the issue and suggest adoption. I also don't think that tactic would change minds or teach anyone to stop asking that question because their core presumptions would still be there.

I've always been upfront about my choice and the conversation doesn't get to go very far by just saying "I just don't want to" so it's what works for me. I have found that as I've gotten older, people mostly stop asking. I have a baby face, so if anyone does try to patronize me by saying "I'll change my mind when I'm older" they get pretty embarrassed when I tell them my age.

People are still going to make presumptions no matter what you do. The only thing that may eventually change minds is more normalization of child free lifestyles and removing the stigma of "childless women."

moonseekerinflight · 2021-11-06T19:03:38+00:00

It's better to grieve not having kids than to be sorry you did. I wasn't sorry when they were little, mind you. But they became more and more selfish as they grew up, and I seldom see them or their children now. I've asked them to be brutally honest about why, and they have nothing. Deer in the headlights stare. Busy, something something mumble. But I become Darling Mommy when they need something. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I know it sounds crazy, but I think they were jealous when they saw their kids becoming attached to me. It happens every time they bring them around, then I don't get to see them for another half year.

scrotes_beGONE · 2021-11-06T18:20:59+00:00

I'm going to get artificial insemination, whether I meet a grade A man or not. Lol. If you do want your own kid, give it a try! I think more women should look into this, since it makes no sense to have to settle for a less than beautiful/worthy scrote when it comes to having a BABY. Most men end up dragging the relationship, anyway.

modernmedusaa · 2021-11-06T22:13:49+00:00

Lmfaooo you know what is SELFISH

When incompetent broke mentally ill adults decide they want a little minion to boss around then regret it and spend the next 18 years bullying & belittling them everyday until they need lifelong therapy

Narcissists who refuse to give their kids up for adoption and spread their mental illnesses to them only for social services to leave them on their own

Broke people who live just below the bread line deciding it’s a great idea to bring 5 kids into poverty

Don’t get me started on idiots having children at 17 ….unless you’re born into wealth that’s a stupid idea

That is SELFISH - a lot of people should not have any kids….look at the state of society ….it’s rare I bump into people who aren’t in therapy bc of their childhood etc

It’s SELFISH to have children when you don’t have the money to afford them or the time to bond with them or provide for them properly

I honestly think you should need a license to birth children …it’s insane that even drug addicts & prostitutes are allowed to give birth and sociopaths who don’t even like kids but still have them?

Realistically most men are a fucking nightmare to parent with….many of us saw our mothers lives and thought yeah no thanks I’m good

We already have way too many broken homes as it is and most children from abusive homes will not be offered help because there’s a long long waiting list

So actually it’s pretty mature & SELFLESS to be child free given the circumstances & you have more time to work on yourself & become a well rounded person & help those who did not get a good childhood

I don’t understand people’s obsession with passing on their genes like the world is going to become extinct of humans anytime soon - there’s already enough pollution & nut cases on this planet

Like yes in an ideal non misogynist world it would be nice to have children & be supported ….but in reality in this patriarchal society it’s more like the Hunger games & women are dumped on

Not to mention the amount of male pedophiles around these days & the fact these scrotes are serial cheating in 6 months & want you trapped with 5 children so you can’t leave

Many people just have kids out of boredom/ lack of purpose/ loneliness or to avoid facing their own problems and that produces more dysfunctional adults

So yeah next time someone asks you that question - shove that in their face

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-06T19:22:32+00:00

I love your plan!

Novemberinthechair · 2021-11-06T21:29:06+00:00

My goodness, how we think alike. My philosophy is the same as yours, and yes, I have used that tactic to deflect. In my case, I sigh deeply, soften my face and say, "My ovaries are unreliable. "

LanaDelDesperate09 · 2021-11-06T18:24:03+00:00

Hahahaha “I get to make them uncomfortable”. I really really like your energy and this strategy! I could not pretend to be sad about it, but I’ll give this answer a try sometime in the future just for fun 😂. I’m usually straight and put people in their place “I don’t want to be as poor as you with a stupid child”. I’m usually brutal about it and I get joy from it too. 😂 people need to learn is not their place to ask my any types of questions!

East-Willingness513 · 2021-11-06T22:10:56+00:00

I’ve always wanted kids and now I have one and am trying for another. When I was younger >25 I would always ask people after they got married when they would have kids, or after they would have a baby, if they were going to have another one.

Now that I’m older, I realise how insensitive those questions were but it never came from a place of “you HAVE to have kids as a woman!” It was more, just being raised with the idea that people stereotypically get married and have kids.

I know that a lot of people can be pushy and straight up nasty about it but I think the majority are just going through the motions. I wish more people were just like “oh we don’t want kids” or “it’s not on the cards for us” so that it would be normalised in society.

I think tearing up and making people feel guilty is just cruel, most people are asking from societal brainwashing not because they’re evil.

ms_monquis · 2021-11-07T01:45:44+00:00

Oh I’ve done this.

When I got married, strangers and semi-strangers (bc my family already understood) would ask impertinent things like “so when are you going to have baaayyybeeeess?!” I got so bored of the question I would look down, let my eyes tear up and say “…I’m BARREN okay!”

Because fuck your for even asking. It’s beyond none of your business and YOU should feel uncomfortable for asking.

glitterandspark · 2021-11-07T18:08:17+00:00

When people say I’m selfish for not having kids I just agree with them. That usually ends the conversation because they’re expecting you to defend yourself and get a gotcha moment out of their twisted logic. They want you to get pissy over defending your life choices. So, If you want to “win” these debates- just stop participating. Nothing you do or say will convince people who feel this way to agree with you, let alone respect your opinion.

Title	It doesn’t serve me to tell people that I’m happy not having had children.
Author	ArugulaIsAwesome
Upvotes	408
Comments	43
Date	November 6, 2021 6:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qo5uc6/it_doesnt_serve_me_to_tell_people_that_im_happy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/it-doesnt-serve-me-to-tell-people-that-im-happy.1085580 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085580