You're gonna want to shake me when you read this. Sorry.

I'm married to a LVM.

I decided I wanted a divorce a month ago. We tried for a baby for a month and I started imagining him as a dad and realized I couldn't do that to my future children. I told him I wanted to wait until we move out of our 1BR apartment and I finish college. I'm trying to save up money and still scared to pull the trigger.

Will I regret leaving him? Will I ever find what I'm looking for or am I chasing a fantasy? Will I be ok alone? What if its a long time?

And then this LVM shows up to my work. I don't even like him as a person half the time. He's a spoiled rich boy, lazy and rude. Except when we're getting along, he makes me laugh and flirts with me. I think I'm over this stupid crush and then he gives me a breadcrumb of attention and suddenly he's all I can think about.

Ive pushed my husband away so I dont chicken out and change my mind about divorcing him. My husband's already pretty distant so he suspects nothing yet.

Also, like a dumb ass, I won't stop telling people I'm gonna ask him for a divorce. Coworkers and friends. People I don't really know or trust. I feel so bad like hes gonna be the last person to know about his own divorce in our tiny little town. He doesnt deserve that. But its all I can think about and I just want anyone to listen to me. I have friends and family I can talk to but maybe telling others makes it feel more real. I just can't seem to pull the trigger.

I already feel so starved for touch because I don't want to touch my husband anymore. He stinks badly due to bad hygeine. The guy at work wants to hook up before he moves in a few days. Reading here helps strengthen my resolve not to cheat on my husband but why is it so hard to say no in the first place? I'm usually a good person but I feel so guilty over all this.

I swear I read the handbook. It's the reason I realized I need to leave my husband. Maybe I need to read it again and again and again until it sinks in. I hear the lessons in my head like, "Don't ever get a crush." And it makes sense intellectually, so why do I get obsessed so quickly when he has made zero effort? How long am I gonna have to talk myself out of these stupid behaviors?

Thanks for giving me a place to be brutally honest with myself. Just writing this out has helped me get some clarity.