Just a reminder that not all marriages follow the same pattern, or go through "rough times". Such universal statements about marriage are misleading, and unnecessarily negative.

795 points182 commentssubmitted by 7evenh3lls to r/Marriage2

I'm not only referring to this sub, but what I generally read about marriage. Sometimes I get the impression that many people have the idea that a marriage has to follow a specific pattern: You date for 1-2 years, get married, buy a house, have children, grow apart, get bored with each other and the dullness of daily life, then fight to overcome your difficulties or something like that.

Not all marriages are the same, there is no path you have to follow. Some people experience such difficulties, but not all of us. Not all marriages go through literal crises at some point. For example:

  • Marriage does not automatically transform your relationship. If you really know the person you're getting married to, and you lived together before, chances are that absolutely nothing changes.
  • You don't have to change, or grow apart. If you're not getting married super young when you don't know what you want in life, that doesn't need to happen. It's much safer to assume that your spouse will not change at all, which includes bad habits.
  • You don't have to get bored with each other. You can lead interesting lives, share passions, love talking with each other, and have fun until you're 100.
  • People stress how difficult marriage is, but what they usually mean is that parenthood is difficult. Parenthood is optional - you can be happily married without children.
  • Marriage does not need to include settling down, (immediate) home ownership, and dealing with crippling debt.
  • There's no reason you have to argue about finances for all eternity. Some rare, big expenses might require (heated) discussion, but if you generally agree on how to budget, you won't have to fight with your spouse about their shopping habits.
  • Not all marriages are "hard work", or require constant compromise. Some spouses just get along and agree on most things.

That's just examples, but you get the idea. Some marriages just work out. Constant conflict, or rough times are not inevitable parts of marriage.

That is all.

Edit: If you think I'm wrong and that marriage is hard and everyone goes through a valley of despair eventually, at least make the effort to provide some examples of what you mean instead of just insulting me. Condescending statements like "Let's talk in a few years", or "I don't have the time to discuss this now" aren't convincing arguments.

Edit II: I think many people here misunderstand my post. I was talking about chronic arguments about the same crap over and over, or an enduring mismatch of world views. That is why people say that marriage is hard work, they argue constantly and when shit hits the fan they disagree about the fundamentals (big budget decisions, household management, kids or no kids, loss of job, how to deal with family members, health etc.). Some people however wrongly deduct that I mean that you never argue over what's for dinner, or that I'm some sort of child hater because I said people equate "marriage" with "parenthood". None of this follows logically from my post.