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Just broke up with a porn sick man. Thanks FDS for helping me assert my boundaries and hold my own.

March 17, 2021
889 upvotes

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Post Information
Title Just broke up with a porn sick man. Thanks FDS for helping me assert my boundaries and hold my own.
Author luceario
Upvotes 889
Comments 39
Date March 17, 2021 11:52 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/just-broke-up-with-a-porn-sick-man-thanks-fds-for.767075
https://theredarchive.com/post/767075
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m6yosm/just_broke_up_with_a_porn_sick_man_thanks_fds_for/
Comments

[–][deleted] 123 points124 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So happy for you! I saw you post on AskFDS, its amazing how fast you moved on and you're so lucky! Congrats queen!

[–]PahapanFDS Disciple 205 points206 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Bravo! This is a great boundary to have for so many reasons and it really acts as an automatic litmus test. If a man watches porn, an incredibly exploitative industry rife with human trafficking, rape, and abuse, he's automatically a LVM. Studies have shown that porn usage correlates with reduced grey matter in key areas of the brain. It's detrimental to their own mental health and is linked to all sorts of relationship problems (the girlfriends/wives of men who watch porn having higher rates of body image issues and disordered eating being just one of many). And the way they react if you suggest they stop watching it is so telling, like heroin addicts who refuse to even admit they have a problem. It's disturbing how much they value their empty orgasms devoid of emotion and intimacy. They'll really pick images of women over their own flesh and blood girlfriend/wife.

[–]SayNadFDS Apprentice 69 points70 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Yep, even if he is caring and loving NOW, he might not be the same man a year from now. Porn is a form of drug and just like any drug addict - his mental and emotional level will slowly become unstable - one minute he will be all loving and caring, but the second something small and petty irks him, he will throw the tantrum of the century.

[–]DrildoBagurrenFDS Apprentice 54 points55 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That's what I was thinking. Porn use only gets worse with time and he'll still be jerking it to 18 year olds - possibly even dressed up to look younger - when he's 50. It's messed up and does no good for you.

[–]SayNadFDS Apprentice 49 points50 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Got a relative of mine like this, in his 50-60s. He is mad all.the.bloody.time. Like you can't even sit near him, you can feel the anger. Maybe it is a mixture of the addiction and his already bad temper, but those who are addicted to stuff including porn, are emotionally highly unstable. You can't form a normal healthy relationship with these people.

[–]File-OwnFDS Newbie 32 points33 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Pre-FDS, I dated a guy around my age (20s) I met off OLD, who was clearly pornsick. Couldn't get it up, was unable to text without making it sexual, emotionally all over the place and kept whining about how much he wanted sex just before I ended it. Never actually had sex with him (ironically due to his porn addiction/ED!)

[–]SayNadFDS Apprentice 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

emotionally all over the place

Yep, that's the words. A lot of men now are emotionally all over the place - which they ironically project on women, as usual. Can't remember the last time I meet a truly calm and collected men - if they are calm at work, they'll turn into another person entirely when driving ect.

[–]Emergency-Feed8216FDS Apprentice 40 points41 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn't call it an addiction per se but I agree it's progressive.

I don't know what to call it but equating it to, say, alcoholism, doesn't cut it. Bottles and pills don't cry out in pain when consumed but people do. Bottles and pills don't commit suicide but exploited people do. Therefore I think "compulsive sexuality" is leagues darker than the generally agreed upon definition of addiction. It requires submerging empathy in order to act on it rather than just leading eventually to impaired empathy as with substance addiction.

In another post I likened it to calling battering a "punching addiction." If that were so, why aren't these guys spending their lives at the gym compulsively punching leather bags? Why don't they all progress to randomly punching their bosses and armed cops?

I think of these forms of selective aggression more as "man eating bear" syndrome: that something primal, aggressive and heinous-- something also tied to our species' history of cannibalism and infanticide-- has been "awakened" that was better off left dormant. It's kind of like petroleum and mercury: yeah it's in the ground, but let's leave it there.

If Freud was right about only one thing it's that everyone carries this primal capacity for destruction equally (men more than women obviously), that there's no such thing as "moral evolution" of the species or "transcendant castes" and that each person, without exception, is responsible for keeping their own beastliness in check.

To the extent that men are told they're "exempt" in certain ways due to superior status or biological imperative or whatever, then the flagrant unleashing of destructive impulses is political. Toxic masculinity is a cult in the sense that cults, by definition, propose the existence of transcendent caste/superior race to whom the social contract and humanist rules do not equally apply.

Anyway, I'm sick of the addiction defense. It's a euphemism and negates victims.

[–]lucearioPickmeisha™️[S] 32 points33 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I love this. This resonates so much with my own views. Viewing porn is not only disgusting and disrespectful to a partner but requires ignoring the fact that you are potentially pleasuring yourself over someone’s trauma and abuse. It’s absolutely horrific.

[–]Emergency-Feed8216FDS Apprentice 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I read somewhere that a certain percentage of these performers are actually de.ad-- generally from vio.lence, su.ici.de and over.dose-- by the time most view the streaming video. Add nec.rophilia to the list of what's wrong with porn zombies.

And by the way, you are brave and right and I wish you the best of everything moving forward.

[–]_differentmentality_FDS Newbie 70 points71 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What a badass! Very glad to see women refusing to tolerate behaviors they aren’t comfortable with. I hope we see more and more of this!

[–]Only_Lime2520FDS Newbie 96 points97 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I remembered who the fuck I am and I broke up with him.

This is beautiful!
You're my goals sis. The fact that you have a high sex drive just shows the masterful level of self-control & self-respect you have when you to decide to leave.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lundy Bancroft on pornography. From Why goes he do that.

THE ROLE OF PORNOGRAPHY In pornography that is geared toward heterosexual men, women are portrayed as very simple. They are always in the mood for sex, and they never say no. They have no sexual needs—or needs of any kind—of their own; all they seem to care about is the man’s pleasure. They require no commitment, no sacrifice, and little money. When a man is finished with them, he turns off the video or closes the magazine, and they’re gone. What could be easier? Most pornographic images regrettably fit well with the abusive mind-set. The woman is available and submissive. Reduced to a body, and usually further reduced to just her sexual organs, she is depersonalized. The man owns her, literally, because he owns the video or magazine or computer image. The woman is sometimes even depicted as being sexually excited by verbal abuse, roughness, violence, or even torture. Cartoons and jokes in pornography often insult or degrade women and their anatomy, or even make rape appear funny, feeding anti-female ways of thinking. For many abusive men, pornography has shaped their sexuality since they were teenagers or even younger. It has helped to form their view of what women are like and what they ought to be. When a graduate of what I call “The Pornography School of Sexuality” discovers, for example, that his partner does not find a slap in the face arousing, he thinks that’s evidence of something wrong with her sexually, not him. His mind-set is: The women in the magazines and videos all like it, so why don’t you? A large percentage of abused women report that they have been pressured one or more times to behave like the women in pornography, often to the point of acting out a specific scenario that the man finds enticing but that she experiences as repulsive, frightening, or violent. Abusers thus sometimes directly model their sexual interests on stories or images from pornography. Partners of my clients report to me on their efforts to set limits regarding the presence of pornography in the house, especially where children might get access to it. These women have good instincts. Abusive men absolutely need to be kept away from pornography, as it feeds the precise thinking that drives their abusiveness. Women who like to use pornography themselves should try to avoid doing so with an abusive partner. I have received numerous reports over the years from women who have told me that they were being pressured or required by their abusive partners to watch pornography. This seems largely to be a strategy to break down the woman’s resistance to performing certain sexual acts the man wants, although the actual effect is often to increase her repulsion rather than to create desire. Pornography tends to be filled with abuse of women, so his drive to make her watch it can also come from wanting to prove to her that his degrading treatment is normal.

[–]barbedwiredaisycrownFDS Newbie 46 points47 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

All the power, love, and support to you Queen! 💖💛 we love to see it.

[–]VigorousBeanFlickingFDS Newbie 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good for you! There absolutely are HVM out there who don’t use pornography.

[–]flowers4uFDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good job OP! From your history it seems like he was overall not caring about your needs during sex and getting lazy in the relationship too. Just curious if he knew porn was an issue for you?

[–]lhatwFDS Newbie 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yay!! You go girl 💕✨🤩

[–]oceanstainsFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Queen shit

[–]chunkycasperFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats ❤️

[–]KateJ1982FDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes! I wish more women would remember who the fuck they are!! Love to see it!

[–]bodysnatcherzFDS Newbie 20 points21 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Genuinely curious - did he know you had this boundary? Like was it an ongoing issue in the relationship or something new?

[–]lucearioPickmeisha™️[S] 42 points43 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He didn’t know that I would leave him if I found him watching it, if that’s what you mean. However, he did know that I have very strong opinions about it and that I find it horrific and actively campaign against it due to the objectification and degradation of women that is perpetuated by pornography. So, I’d have to hedge my bets that he definitely knew it would be extremely hurtful to me to find out that he had been watching it.

[–]bodysnatcherzFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

he did know that I have very strong opinions about it

This is what I was wondering 🙂.

[–]sassyheatherFDS Apprentice 44 points45 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

10 bucks says he knew and was trying to give her the “But all men do it, it’s normal” speech

[–]DrildoBagurrenFDS Apprentice 43 points44 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Even if a woman doesn't bring it up, why do men feel that they are naturally ok to watch porn in a relationship. They genuinely count on women having zero boundaries when it comes to porn, and expect us to just accept it. Most of them don't even say that they watch it - a lot of them will deny it even if asked. A lot of women also have no idea what "watching porn" even means and would be disgusted if they actually saw what their partners got off to. Some women watch it with their partners and men think that, because these women exist, then it's ok to demand that all women put up with it.

[–]sassyheatherFDS Apprentice 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. To each its own and no judgement but to all women with that boundary - never settle, there are men who don’t need porn 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–]abstractsadgurlFDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Definitely entitlement

[–]ENFP_CanadianFDS Newbie 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

YES!! So happy for you.

[–]Throwawayrightaway28FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hell YEA!

[–]zombieeezzzFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

👑👑👑

You rock.

[–]onions_r_evilFDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good for you sticking up for yourself!

[–]4evanevaFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are an inspiration!

[–]Dexaroo5716FDS Newbie 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Woot!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 it a win 💯

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

So proud of you!!

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[–]_queeeen_FDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Congrats. 💕

[–]charizardineFDS Newbie 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was the right decision, queen! Wish you all the best. <3

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So proud of you ❤️ Imagine how we could change the world if we all stood up like this...

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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