This is extensive, please bear with me. What NOT to do with LVM
My personal boundary was pushed recently. I’m trying to get back into going out, meeting people talking and generally having a good time by overcoming my anxiety and reluctance. I had dinner with a guy and he was not quite what I was used to—being open straightaway and discussing his dating life. I said okay, some people like sharing and commiserating over bad date experiences. We had a good enough time that we went for coffee after dinner and kept getting to know each other. He mentioned that he was a hugger. RED FLAG. He also blurted out that he can’t have sex with anyone he’s not emotionally connected to. RED FLAG. At the end of the night he did hug me and I was stiff. I just wasn’t comfortable with hugging strangers.
Texting later, and subsequently nearly every night, he kept being open and discussing his previous exes and using language to express his displease at what they’d done. RED FLAG. I told as much that I didn’t relate my life journey through the lens of how any of past exes were horrible. I try to understand my behavior and response to what happened within any relationship. Bringing up how one did me wrong is unhelpful IMHO. Also, I said I hadn’t made a complete opinion on whether I liked him. We needed to find out more about one another.
This guy related his personal journey to accepting himself to me and encouraged me to discuss myself more intimately. Like what makes me tick and my rules for living and whatnot. RED FLAG. He admitted I gave him pause being slow to open up after I told him that HE gave me pause by continuing to talk about his relationships with others flippantly. Despite this, we found common ground on self discovery and acceptance of ourselves. He claimed he was at a level of being able to see himself in his mind and work things out via drug experimentation. Higher plane shit. RED FLAG. Most of his ramblings made sense, but I asked open-ended questions for him to elaborate. Still evaluated if I could deal with his openness. You know where that went. Therapist mode activated.
Last night we got into it over an incident from Saturday night. My new hobby thing was nearby where he was with a meetup group. I’d said earlier I needed hugs and he told me we could hang out after his group thing* Fresh from almost panicking at my new hobby, I really didn’t want to join the group but see him quickly to say hi. He hugged the shit outta me from behind and insisted I go and meet his friends. I said I wasn’t in the mood and he got upset and persisted. My fight or flight mode was activated so I left when he returned to finish up with friends. We went back and back forth texting with him finally calling me, saying I was letting my anxiety win and hanging up on me. Then he texted sorry and agreed to go find a place for us to talk. I felt guilty for saying no and heeding myself over not being ready to meet his friends.
*This group thing was for depressed and recovering depressed and anxious people.
During our talk, he proceeded to cry a grand total of six times. Why? Because he saw his scared old self in me who was full anxiety. And he was “emotional”. Y’all he was high. I did not coddle him or fall into that lazy trap. Clearly he was manipulating me to feel bad about not letting him disregard my boundary. This was ten o’clock at night, I was tired af.
He insisted on walking me to my transportation home. Fine. A friend calls to ask where he is and if he wanted to go to a bar. The guy talks shit about me being cowardly in a joking way, pulls me in to hug me, gets annoyed that I step back. I tell him I was offended and conflicted because he’s a stranger trying push up on me. On the way to my train he stops to hug me repeatedly and assure me that it’s okay to do that (it’s not even been ten or so days we’ve started talking).
What he was angry about which caused him to deride me through text was that I reminded him of his ex(he kept using her name to describe my actions). She did this just like I did. She wasn’t happy about that just like me. Told him I was not her and to stop trying to punish me for whatever she did. He slipped and called me by her name I think. By that time, I was letting him go on while I was doing something else. I gray rocked him. ‘We can talk when you’re not upset. Let’s talk tomorrow.’ Oh my gawd. He sent me some websites on how not to ‘feed the bad wolf’ aka negativity, transcend like him through getting high, and said “give it a day” to learn to speak his emotional language.
TL;DR. Ladies, if a guy starts talking about his exes, excuse yourself and disengage. He’s going to unload his drama and want you to fix or play along recreating that drama. I know I did some Pick me things; I was fully aware I was choosing to do them to get along. This man was unstable.