I've written on here before about how I like looking good but I hate the attention from men, especially from creepy or old and unattractive men. So as a heterosexual woman I had complicated feelings about that until I realized i like to get attention and compliments from women instead. The female gaze (idk if that's the right term) is so much more validating.

I notice it everywhere now. I was with friends and they had the h3 podcast playing on the background. Our friend (a woman) walked in and froze before going off about how beautiful hila Klein is. All of us (women) agreed and admired her beauty and style. Meanwhile ALL of the men didn't get it and were total assholes about it. Not just saying they didn't see her beauty but insisting that she was unattractive. 🙄 They were talking about another woman (who was being discussed on the podcast) and raving about how hot SHE was. i don't want to say who because I don't want to be bashing her. But. Although this woman was NOT ugly, she was so uninteresting looking. Above all else she was very childlike, and I know that that alone appeals to men, but other than that nothing stood out about her. But that's who men admire.

The truth is, ultimately the look they're impressed by is so easy to achieve. You can achieve it: first, don't accentuate your unique features. Hide those. Instead, accentuate your youth, boobs, butt and look as small as possible. Above all, just be a blank slate. That's the secret. Conventionally pretty but also blank enough so that they can project their fantasy onto you. 🙃 Their admiration is meaningless. But if you want it, that's how you get it.

But anyway, the point of this post isn't really just about looks. It's about EVERYTHING. Personality, hobbies, interests, thoughts, morals.

I was thinking about how many of my friends changed when they got together with their boyfriends. Myself too (my former pick me self). We change to adapt to their tastes. And a majority of the time their taste is handed down to them by the patriarchy in the form of acceptable "masculine" hobbies and conditioning from media.

One friend of mine was so charming, unique and witty in high school that we all knew, for sure, that she'd end up doing something really impressive with her life. I still know her and adore her because she's still those things, but it's very faded now. Her actual personality is buried deep and you only get occasional glimmers of it. Her new adapted personality is based completely off of what her husband finds acceptable.

It happened because he is really into racing and dirt bike stuff. Which is fine. But when she dated him she suddenly got way into that stuff too. Started listening to his music. Suddenly dressing like a mid west country girl (wearing beer t shirts, short jean shorts and baseball caps) instead of her own style. Because that's what he liked. She was suddenly really into drinking, racing and farming culture. It felt so forced. She even talks like him. It's like the world never got to really know her, or experience what she was supposed to be like.

I've had these conversations with her before and the devastating thing is that she agrees. But now that she has kids and a life with this man she is struggling hard to reclaim her old self. She has told me she feels like she got lost and isn't a person anymore. I never would have ever imagined her of all people to end up like that. I know she'll make it through and reclaim herself. But it's hard not to be angry and sad at the time lost and to wonder what she would have been like by now if it weren't for confirming to a man during her formative years.

And I'm not picking on her to be cruel. I really love her and it's not even about her specifically. It's about all of us. We pretty much all do it. I've done it myself. I dated a guy in music and dove way into that genre of music even though I didn't even LIKE it. If I would have stayed with him I might have never snapped out of it.

It's hard enough to be your authentic self. But it's near impossible to be your authentic self when a man is judging and influencing you. If they are your "audience" then chances are high that your audience is the patriarchy. You can get sucked in. You my can lose yourself and your uniqueness if you're chasing the approval of men. Part of the reason men make us miserable isn't even because of the specific men. It's because they're vessels for the patriarchy and the patriarchy makes us all feel like shit and lose ourselves.

I recommend chasing the validation and approval of women instead. We've all been conditioned not to. We're trained to think women's tastes are inferior. But fuck that. My advice is to start paying way more attention to your inner self (start by reflecting about what you liked when you were a little girl) and figuring out what YOU actually like. Then pay way more attention to women around you that you admire. Try spending time seeking out women's art, comedy, books, music exclusively for a while. During that time try to tune men out. Just for an experiment. Just long enough to tap into yourself.

Because a well rounded, happy life is about balance. A little bit of men's influence can be healthy, of course. But right now chances are their influence has taken up most of your soul and mind. Balance it out with women. There's a reason men's admiration makes you feel empty. It's because it's meaningless without balance. Im writing this as a reminder to chase the "female gaze" too (like I said, that might be the wrong terminology), seek out the validation and admiration of women. It feels so much better. And it's a way bigger compliment when women like you than when men like you.