I think we’ve all been there, a relationship went wrong, and you’ve felt like you needed “closure” so you could move on. You did know why it went wrong; deep down you did; but for some reason you felt like you needed the words said out loud by your ex-partner for you to be able to move on.
Discussion I’ve seen surrounding the need for closure, equates the need for closure to an unwillingness to let go, or a desire to get back together. Which is often true, but I think it can be symptomatic of other things, too. I mean, how many of us have completely moved on from an ex, level up-ed, found a new, much partner and still felt the desire for our ex to see us on days we look good, just so they know how much they’ve moved on? It’s definitely not the behaviour of a HVW, but we are just slaves to our thoughts, which if unchecked form our desires and behaviour.
I reckon a need for closure is part and parcel of a break-up with a LVM. They make you feel so bad that you naturally desire a complicated explanation for it all, and no amount of reasoning that it's actually just because he's just shite will satisfy you. A break-up with HVM would not leave you with this yearning, as this communication would be straight forward and their behaviour understandable. The fact that you ever felt a need for closure is a big sign that they were a LVM not worthy of a second though, in my opinion. They make you feel this way on purpose, so please don't beat yourself up for nOt BEIng OvEr YouR Ex too much.
Anyway, here are some other reasons I have found to be causes of a need for closure.
- Gaslighting
I think this is a big one. If you’ve spent a whole relationship being gaslit and emotionally manipulated, you’re obviously going to find it harder to accept ‘being over’ as truly ‘being over,’ and you’re going to desire some form of definitive closure so that there is no way you have mistaken that it’s over, and later on, the reasons for its end.
- Low self-esteem/lack of trust in yourself
This is similar to the first one, but if you don’t trust yourself and your intuition, you may not feel confident enough to read between the lines between a break-up and see the real unspoken causes for it.
This is one I have struggled with the most. I recently had a male friend from college ghost me. I know that it’s because I told him I don’t date casually, or do FWB, so I don’t take it personally. But if I have a day where my self-esteem is low, I really want to text him and ask why, because I stop believing in myself, and start thinking there’s another mysterious reason to do with me. I always talk myself out of it, but a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to.
- The influence of the media – Women not having the power to start and end their own stories.
The media is the worst, don’t get me started. But through soaps, TV series and movies, we have definitely been fed this script that relationships never really have definitive ends, and that a character’s need for ‘closure’ only ever brings them back to their ex. (I brought up Ross and Rachel in another post already, but Rachel’s need for closure from Ross bringing them together definitely helped tell young impressionable viewers that ‘closure’ is not an end, but another start.) We are never shown scenes were powerful women decide that they’ve had enough, and they’ve decided to bring themselves closure and move on! I remember going to a counsellor after my last relationship with a LVM, and her having to spell out to me that he didn’t have to bring me closure, but that I could bring it to myself. Never underestimate the influence media has on you. (This is a topic I’m becoming passionate about; I will probably write about in much more detail soon.)
Ladies, you don’t need closure! Take this post as a sign to believe yourself about the reasons you know to be cause of a past break-up and move on. What is the benefit of questioning the more than probable truth – that you were too good for your ex and they realised you and acted up or dumped you? What is the benefit to believing any other story, especially one that turns you into the bad guy?
If you’re struggling with this, I would highly encourage to write out how you’d imagine the closure conversation would go down if it were to happen. Write out their lines, and write out yours. I guarantee you’ll find its your voice that forms both sections, which is a big a sign as any that the person who needs closure is not the woman you are today, but the woman you were then.
You can give that woman closure, and you don’t need any scrote for it. You can be nice to her, the younger, pre-level up version of you. A favourite way I do that for myself is to buy myself something I felt I couldn’t have back then. One of my exes hated me wearing white runners, so guess who got new white runners recently…
Just a reminder, I would consider this a sign that you have not completed your journey to High Value Womanhood yet. But it is achievable, and you will get there!
