Okay firstly, I’m using a throwaway for fear of him coming across this. I’m a newbie-lurker on my main, but couldn’t post from main. Please bear with me, this will be long but I’m going to attempt to dilute it into bite-sized chunks.

I don’t even know where to begin. I have (recently) diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder which has seriously impacted all of my adult relationships. My partner and I have been together for a little over a year, and when we got together, I was undiagnosed but suffering with BPD.

At the beginning of the relationship, he was wonderful. Unfortunately, I was a LVF at the time and let my BPD run riot. I was toxic, controlling, and emotionally abusive/ manipulative. He eventually got tired of fighting my incessant onslaught of BPD symptoms and general toxicity, and broke up with me a few months in. Up until that point I questioned whether I even liked/ loved him.

Well, him breaking up with me kicked me in the derrière. I realised, “holy shit, I actually do love this guy” and set about trying to win him back. Winning him back entailed taking full responsibility for my actions, and changing them. Which I did. It worked and he took me back.

However, from the point at which he took me back, he became intolerable. He is emotionally manipulative/ abusive, verbally abusive and entirely dismissive of anything I have to say. When I bring up his poor behaviour, it’s written off with the justification that “[I] emotionally abused and manipulated [him] at the beginning of the relationship and made [him] this way.”

I’d like to also add here that, around two months after we got back together (post-first break up), I put a roof over his head and paid for everything. Food, rent, electricity, clothes, you name it. I paid for it. I’m a chronically ill woman in my early twenties and can barely afford to do those things for myself, so it was a big undertaking. He has been consistently unemployed since we first got together over a year ago (a “struggling musician”).

Anyway, we moved in together over the summer of 2019 (after having lived together at my mam’s place) and it quickly went even further to shit. He was consistently verbally abusive, manipulative and held such contempt for me. This culminated, ultimately, in him telling me (approx. 1.5 months after moving into the flat I provided via personal connections) that he “only stays with [me] because [I] put a roof over [his] head”. The relationship ended. He moved into his band’s practice space (a warehouse - a man who will be 30 in two month’s time - living in a fucking warehouse in an industrial estate).

Now I need to let you all know, recreational drug use has always been a NO for me in partners. Including weed (which is illegal where I live). I’ve never been able to tolerate any partner getting high or taking mind altering substances (I’m even iffy about alcohol - and am teetotal myself). I told my partner this prior to meeting him in person, before our first date. He acknowledged it. He “quit” smoking weed around a month into our relationship just over a year ago. Prior to our first breakup, he smoked it behind my back once (allegedly), which I forgave him for. Anyway, basically from we got together, to when he moved out of our flat, he did not smoke weed or take drugs recreationally.

My BPD comes into it now. I find it very difficult to let go of people I am in love with. You could ask me, “what does he bring you?” and the only answer I could give would be, “consistent orgasms”. But still, I cannot leave. I feel emotionally harpooned. Any break up or feeling of loss within the relationship ends with me feeling suicidal and unable to control my emotions. I do not project this on to him. I keep it to myself, so that it cannot be construed as emotional manipulation. I am currently on a waiting list for Dialectical Behavioural Therapy to target this unwanted and totally unwarranted over-emotional response to negative situations.

So, when he moved out, and into his band’s practice space, he resumed smoking weed. A little over a week post-breakup, the emotional toll became too much and I caved. I texted him to pull him back in. I asked for him back, and told him I’d be okay with him smoking weed. Needless to say, this was a promise I knew I couldn’t keep, but I still made it. I know it was wrong.

This all happened around September 2019. In the ensuing months, he has hidden our relationship from his friends, he goes out and does what he wants, when he wants. I’ve relinquished any “control” over his behaviour. He smokes weed. He, up until recently, had fully private social media profiles while simultaneously demanding mine stayed public so he could keep tabs on what I was doing.

My problem is that I cannot tolerate weed. There’s a bit more to it, which is that he is aware that the act of smoking it hurts me, because he knows how strongly I feel about it. I understand this may seem frivolous or stupid to some of you and trust me, I wish I wasn’t weird about weed. Anyway, he continues to smoke (despite claiming it’s “not a big part” of his life), knowing it hurts me. I feel like I am expected to compromise again and again and again.

I feel like I am still being punished for my wrongdoings at the beginning of the relationship. I would understand this if my behaviour hadn’t changed, but I have done EVERYTHING to accommodate him and make him feel safe, loved and comfortable. He takes, takes, takes and asks for more. While giving nothing in return.

He very infrequently comes to see me. When he does, it’s post 1am and he leaves when he wakes up. I haven’t seen him pre-10pm in probably four months. I wash his clothes when he comes to mine, I feed him and he uses my electric shower. I feel used. He does not make time for me, instead prioritising “work” (see: sitting playing music and making videos with his band mates which makes him precisely £0).

He is verbally abusive frequently and refuses to take any level of blame for his actions. He, for months, would sit, night after night, lambasting me for upwards of five hours about how I was abusive, how I am a “piece of shit” and a “cunt”. I’m consistently told I need to “earn” him. And “prove” myself to him. TW for next sentence He has implied that I wasn’t actually sexually assaulted and that I was just a “slut”.

He laughs at me for living my life online and not having any hobbies. I have been chronically ill my whole adult life, falling sick at 18, and as a result can barely leave my house. He plays mind games, will verbally abuse me and then shout around my flat telling me to “fix it” (and by “it”, he means the argument he has usually caused by being incredibly aggressive for no reason) and gives me time ultimatums. For example, he will call me horrible names for no reason (the latest thing that caused a slew of abuse was because I didn’t set an alarm on time for him to get to his band practice) and then will storm out, and shout that I have “two minutes to do something or [he’ll] leave and never speak to [me] again”.

A year after my abusive attitude towards him, and all the changes I have made, all the good I have done for him, all the abuse I have tolerated, I still feel like I am “paying” for it. I am still having to deal with him doing what he wants, when he wants, bailing on me when he’s promised he’ll come down. He asks for so much, and I give it, and I get nothing back.

TLDR: I was abusive to my partner a year ago for three months. He left me, I changed my act and stopped being abusive. Have given him everything. In return, he is verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative and expects me to compromise 24/ 7 while giving me nothing.