For 3 years, I dated a very intelligent LVM who was very abusive and narcissistic. He stole my personality to create his own and I genuinely think he hated me. This relationship destroyed me but I was able to break the cycle and the trauma bond and left him.

A month later I met a guy casually and I truly wasn’t looking for anything but I am in a very rough place mentally and emotionally so I stayed with this new guy for comfort mainly. It helped me move on from my previous relationship so not all was bad.

Ever since we’ve been in an on and off relationship mainly because of my indecision. I feel like I’m settling— which speaks volumes of all the trauma work and self-esteem work I have still yet to do.

Here’s is where I am.

  • I’m highly educated (3 degrees and currently enrolled to finish another one at Cornell)

  • Speak 3 languages fluently and one in a very intermediary level

  • I have a 6 figures job

  • I have my own place

  • I’m well-traveled, well mannered

  • I have 2 very bright and well-behaved children that are always praised and adored at their school

  • I’m very independent, a free spirit, I give back to my community and help others as much as possible

  • I do a lot of reparenting and self-care that includes meditation, inner healing, a lot of reading. I practice detachment, acceptance, and other stoic philosophies.

  • I have a circle of trustworthy, HV friends

  • I’m a breast cancer survivor

  • Also divorced back in 2017

  • I’m an American citizen

  • I have some money in the stock market, retirement accounts, college funds for children, crypto, and about to start investing in properties.

The guy in question:

  • he’s the typical “nice guy” who is very charismatic and persuasive with words — although I’m an action-oriented person so I only watch what people do not what they say so his words mean nothing to me.

  • He’s a singer in his country of origin

  • He doesn’t speak English or any other language other than Spanish

  • He has poor grammar and it drives me insane

  • He didn’t graduate college

  • He lives rent free in a room at his best friend’s apartment.

  • He has bad table manners and it’s actually quite embarrassing.

  • He just came back to the US “because he loves me and wants me to marry him and to get me pregnant”

  • He plans to overstay his visa, apply for a talent visa or just obtain his documents through marriage (from me)

  • Since he’s on a tourist visa he works illegally doing DoorDash — a job is a job so I’m not judging

  • He has a kid that lives with her mom back in his country of origin. He is not very well educated and has been raised poorly in my personal opinion. Interrupts adults, is disrespectful, and his parents don’t seem to see anything wrong with it when I mention things like: “we are having a meal at a restaurant, no phones allowed at the table. or “we are in a public place the phone needs to be on mute or he needs to wear earphones” they all look at me like I’m the one with an issue for just having common courtesy.

  • His dad says to me at one point that his favorite hobby was to ask for money and never pay it back. That he cannot go back to the city they are from because he owes money to everybody. He seems to be the same way when it comes to asking for money.

  • He doesn’t plan dates. I love flowers and I bought myself flowers every week and one day during an argument I told him that some things are just cheap gestures that mean the world and he doesn’t even do them, like flowers for example! So now he buys me flowers but of course, they mean nothing to me because I have to ask…

He is a nice guy who stuck with me during difficult times in my life: the end of my abusive relationship, the last days and death of my beloved grandma, etc. I think that I feel indebted somehow.

I’m a sucker for intellectual conversations, for traveling and enjoying other cultures and he is not there at all. I have better intellectual conversations with my 12 and 14-year-old children than with him. Oh, he loves gossiping too. Every night he calls his mother and they spend so much time talking about people, it’s ridiculous.

Putting all this in writing is giving me the perspective I am missing. I think the issue with me is that I have been abused my whole life and I’m emotionally stunted. I have grown so much and I have made so much progress compared to how I used to be and for that I am proud but what I see is that I still second guess myself and I accept the love that I think I deserve by choosing from my wounds and out of lack.

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy who was more in line with who I am and what I want in life. He’s an engineer, speaks multiple languages, 6 figure earner, works oil and gas, well-spoken and well mannered, well dressed, and even one day he had to take a round trip for work he told me in advance that he was going to be traveling and that he would message me once he was back in town which I thought was very thoughtful. He planned a dinner for us last Saturday, chose a great restaurant, and of course, I was feeling undeserving and I blocked him 2 days before the date. I behaved like a very LVW and now of course I regret it.

I understand trauma messes with us bad but seriously, how do I stop the self-sabotage. Is this a sign I’m not ready for any type of relationship outside of myself until I heal? I feel like lately, I’ve been very impulsive when it comes to relationships: giving chances out of guilt and in hopes this guy I’m seeing become a HVM in the future (yes I know how ridiculous that sounds). Blocking a man who was consistently showing to be HV out of fear of not being worthy and therefore behaving like a LVW.

I am thankful for FDS because I have come a long way from my pick me days, and it’s all because of you ladies. Thank you.